Re: A Kiss Beneath The Blossom Tree by Caducus	24-Jan-04/4:57 PM
Wow. Wonderful. So well-crafted. Beautiful images. I loved your father's head "bowing like a cumbersome tulip" as he mowed. What a wonderfully apt image. It's been a long long time since I read narnia so I had to google for Mr Tumnus, but then it became even more poignant. This is so excellent you will obviously be taking it other places than pomeranker--do you want comments? I'll plunge ahead: There are a couple tiny edits needed: in st. 2 blossoms needs an s; in st. 3 incense is misspelled; and in st. 4 should it be "and HE met my Mother there"? In st. 2 the second use of Mum seems awkward, mightn't it be better to use mother? "His solace was the hills" bothers me slightly. Normally, solace would be found in the hills. "solace was found in" is a clichéd phrase you probably want to avoid, but maybe you might consider something like "His solace was in the hills/And he found my mother there too" (I dunno that that's better) and maybe one more line to indicate why she was in the hills that day??? "loving words" at the end of st. 3 seems a little weak & generic in comparison to the rest. No idea at all how to fix that since I'm not entirely sure what you mean by his father's wrath remaining in his loving words. I can think of lots of ways for that to be so, but I'd like to know which one you mean. SO good...
Re: A Glass of Water by Princess_Snowflake	25-Jan-04/6:18 AM
A glass of water's the bestest drug So 9 or 10 per day I chug But I get more leverage From the beverage If I leave some ergot growing in the jug.
Re: the small drop by richa	25-Jan-04/10:08 AM
I agree with zodiac except I don't mind "they were a sunlight". It made me pause and consider the last line more deeply. If you want to demarcate "Water" set it off with a colon or by giving it its own line. Hmm, just a thought, what about "disguising themselves as sunlight" or posing as sunlight, or something along those lines?
Re: Martyrs in suburbia - (we wander like breezes) by zodiac	25-Jan-04/10:37 AM
MOST enjoyable. Is "I'll be the seed that's threshed in that fiery immortal catechesis" a metaphor for posting on pomeranker? That line's the only one that bugs me, because I'm not really sure what you mean by the fiery immortal catechesis. st.2 l.4 I think it should it be I look across TO where or I look across the aisle and see or something. In any case, what you look across isn't what you're looking at. How's THAT for a nitpick, lol.
regarding some deleted poem...	26-Jan-04/1:55 PM
yeah whatever. And my buddy Bob has a god, the Glorious Jenny, who is a 4 billion year old vagina that is the size of a galaxy and has a yeast infection, and if you don't believe in her you have to spend a billion years in the Twat of Punishment. A religion that actually had any intrinsic value would not need to try to frighten people into believing.
Re: The Ballade of Hollis Browne by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	26-Jan-04/2:01 PM
you will burn in hell for blaspheming the born-again bob, you infidel goat.
Re: Sequence by http://mulberryfairy	26-Jan-04/2:14 PM
This totally works for me, just as it is. But they booted me out of Eratosphere.
Re: Captain Cannibal by Lenore	26-Jan-04/2:43 PM
This should be a pimple, I think.
Re: Pine by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/3:02 PM
Some good stuff in here. Please do a little bonsai with it. You intrigued me, but by the end I no longer gave a fuck what you were tired of. Just post the pome, not the whole worksheet for the pome.
Re: Reconstruction by andrewjthomas	26-Jan-04/4:41 PM
mmmm, yummy word soup. I'm such a sucker for syncopation. L. 6 feels isolated, can he get a companion clause? L. 8 is too weak rhythmically to stand with the rest, get a spondee or two in there. You could just delete "so" for a spondee. L23-24. get rid of "these" and "of", and match your tenses: I sing battle hymns to Dixie, cotton and unbroken/But it just feels folktale. you wishy washy out near the end! How about "in the end when we heard", and find a way to get rid of courtesy if you can. i agreed with zodiacs suggestions also, except that I don't mind sweet. lol, we had a fight over the word thing once.
Re: To those that would teach poetry by INTRANSIT	27-Jan-04/2:25 AM
Interesting, I don't read this as a FU at all, but rather expressing eagerness to learn and be pushed to learn even though it can be torturous. INTRANSIT?
Re: My happy warm faith poem by Jeremi B. Handrinos	27-Jan-04/12:14 PM
there ya go. where's little_big_nose when I need him to rub his nose in something? uh, "Though I have a loving...blister." is an incomplete sentence; are you sure you didn't want a comma there instead of a period? I particularly love the "You are getting sleepy..."
Re: Here In The Heart of Amber by Lenore	27-Jan-04/1:06 PM
Quite nice, I enjoyed it. Hmph, I'm reading some of your pomes after participating in the big argument on Captain Cannibal and contrary to your babblings there about eschewing technique and concreteness for the sake of iconoclasm, most of your other pomes seem to be about tangible things and show considerable attention to technique and structure. So I will make an actual editorial comment: "where fossils keep in destined place" doesn't make sense to me. keep what? or did you mean keep their destined place? Did you mean, as in, will the food keep until next week? If so the colloquialism seems out of place with the rest of the pome.
Re: Stronger by devina	30-Jan-04/2:50 PM
Those little fuckers.
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Jan-04/3:03 PM
Up until the end you almost had me fooled, but the last two lines give you away as a fraud.
regarding some deleted poem...	31-Jan-04/3:55 AM
What made this pome interesting to me was the hint at the end that the poetry was beginning to become important in and of itself to the narrator. This aspect could be greatly enhanced by ending something along the lines of so I finished it and and banged her and then while she was smoking I had another look at it and saw where I needed to change a line.
regarding some deleted poem...	31-Jan-04/5:24 AM
Make sure you're aware that richa, zodiac & I aren't saying the pome is bad because it's about sadism. On the contrary -- for me at least -- the dynamic you (unwittingly?) describe in the first verses is nicely set forth (except maybe for S.3 L.2). It's just that the last word invalidates the whole thing. Change it to satisfaction, or pleasure, or even desire & it's an 8 or maybe a 9 for me.
Re: Perversions by razorgrin	1-Feb-04/9:34 AM
Cool, limericks that are actually limericks! Most excellently done. More please.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Feb-04/9:55 AM
cool, this is just like e.e.cummings, except without any of the quirky insights, tender tributes, extraordinarily keen & cutting observations, or eloquently captured (without any direct reference) universal meanings that are in his poems; allowing one to focus without distraction on the genius of the uncapitalized words and cascading colons. Perhaps it wouldn't be so annoying if I weren't currently in the process of re-reading the cummings oeuvre. explicit shards fluttering on tomorrow's wings is very nice, throw out the posturing and build a pome around it.
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Feb-04/3:09 PM
This is marginally better than the others, Lydia Evelyn Crystal Lane Swift. But only the first stanza. You can keep the fourth for now too. Throw the others away and write what happened to you, not what happened to the Hallmark card. Did drops of passion fall on you? Nope. Maybe drops of sweat fell on you. Did you like his sweat falling on you, even though liking dripping sweat isn't something you'd feel comfortable saying you liked? Whatever, write something that actually happened to the physical you, not the this-is-the-Hallmark-version-of-my-life-why-does-it-make-me-feel-shitty you. Wow I just hyphenated 15 words. I've been living in Germany too long. In German they probably have a word for exactly that 15 hyphenated word phrase. It'll have a bazillion throat-gargling syllables, but it'll be one word. No doubt I'll be mocked for making this comment, but I don't give a fuck. You hear that! I don't give a fuck! lol