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the small drop (Free verse) by richa Water, runs off the gutters
onto sodden stone borders,
a small drop hangs
from long grass like the wet
wax on a candle
and it is this small drop that
the gods long look down on
through the glass
house of this earth, and weigh
from every angle
as though they were a sunlight.
Up the ladder:
Vestigial Tail
Down the ladder:
Now
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 9.2
Posted: January 25, 2004 5:32 AM PST; Last modified: January 25, 2004 5:32 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.5006523 Overall Rank: 2682 Comments:
Good as always. Comments: 1.) the comma after 'water' shouldn't be there. Maybe you could put a line break there instead. 2.) there should be some kind of punctuation after the end of the first stanza 3.) 'a sunlight' is weird when just 'they were sunlight' would be just as good. You get a nine because, though it's not perfect, it's better than all the crap getting unwarranted 9s and 10s on this site.
So your response to mark inflation is just to give higher marks? That'll definitely help!!1
Yeah. guess I'll stick with only semi-topical comments.
I agree with zodiac except I don't mind "they were a sunlight". It made me pause and consider the last line more deeply. If you want to demarcate "Water" set it off with a colon or by giving it its own line.
Hmm, just a thought, what about "disguising themselves as sunlight" or posing as sunlight, or something along those lines?
Loved it. Made me think. Its one of those poems that makes you read it again.
Wonderful, richa. Perhaps '..and weigh through it every angle'. I think it fits more with what you're getting at (or at least my simple understanding of your intent).
What do you think about your likening a drop of water on a blade of grass to a drop of wax on a candle? One drop for another drop? If this poeme had been about a drop of wax on a candle, would you have likened it to a drop of water on the tip of a blade of grass? If so, then buncombe.
A drop of water could be in a number of states of motion; one could be dropping every few seconds, one could be hugging the tip.
The wax on a candle is more the latter. Would I compare a drop on a candle to a drop on a leaf? (mutatis mutandis) only if I wanted the wax to be silver!? 290 view(s)
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