Re: Daughter by pkdrunner	27-Aug-02/5:32 PM
Aaah! Good poem. Last 2 lines could be a poem onto themselves.6
Re: Voices by justintotennis	27-Aug-02/4:55 PM
Caught mommy and daddy going for it huh?
Re: Jesus was a necromancer by horus8	27-Aug-02/4:52 PM
Lots of comments no votes. I'll give it a 3. not your best
Re: The boy who shot birds by Bachus	27-Aug-02/4:34 PM
Thanks for the news update. Have you thought about starting a political/poetry zine?
Re: Love and Marriage in Da Nang by Tascobar	27-Aug-02/4:14 PM
Repetetive and predictable. 5 dolla no holla. Shit this joke is probably older then you.0
Re: The Snowglobe by josh_5o	27-Aug-02/10:33 AM
The writing is too simplistic. The comparison between the snow globe/heart is good, but you need more discriptive words. Use less of these words: again, for, had, has, that,the,was. These words are to be avoided whenever possible. For example: line 6- Makes white flake snowmen- can replace the entire sentence. keep trying.
Re: Horseflies and Mayflies, Incessant Today by Christof	27-Aug-02/10:19 AM
You've got a natural classic style. I picture a stable-hand, fond of his master, who lost his spritual guidance and his job all in one blow. More of that erotic tension found in "the red shoes". The mare scarred him but he loves and misses her. Because she is strong and potentionally dangerous, but willing to please. There's a beauty beyond telling in that. To tame a gorgeous beast, be able to stand near it, and befriend it is thrilling. Lines 11 & 12 are my favorites, but I can't aticulate why. Ends well, with the insects accentuating his void.
Re: father Worked Nights by poetandknowit	26-Aug-02/3:39 PM
don't change anything it's perfect.
Re: Work by poetandknowit	26-Aug-02/2:35 PM
The working class hero. My very favorite. I'm in love with the sound of it, and I think it's so easy to relate to. Lines 10 & 11 have some kind of grammatical confusion to them but I can't pin it down.Swayed easy with my touch... Sat nights laughing crazy in the dark..... 10
Re: father Worked Nights by poetandknowit	26-Aug-02/2:23 PM
Terrific. Sort of Carl Sandburg for the domestic violence set. Father lived in a factory is a perfect set up. I thought he was a workoholic, and then it turns out his home is an abuse factory. I love the twist of it. 10. Only change might be to replace 'the' from line 10 to 'my'.
Re: Yesterday I cried by 1Sapphire1	26-Aug-02/2:09 PM
I get an honest sense of what this experience is like, but again it's all about the editing. You've really created some beautiful images: The girl crying behind her sunglasses, hands of cowards, The dead making miracles, the living, not the dead as the ultimate sufferers. Say the same line over and over in different ways, for example, hands of cowards could be cowardly hands etc. Try to avoid the overuse of prepositions and small words which don't add to what you're discribing especially of, the, and, that. Example: presence of God might sound/look better as God's presence. Or the 1st line in the second stanza might work better as ....remain in the hearts you touched.... These are just tools writers use to hone down meaning. For the majority of successful writers it takes many revisions and I mean many, before they feel their poem is finished. I like your poem. I lost my father 7 yrs ago, I miss him more every year.
Re: Same by <~>	26-Aug-02/12:54 AM
I'm so obssesive compulsive about writing that I can't leave it alone til I'm satisfied. Last attempt I hope! Last Stanza: All conspire to soothe my spirit- Trapped in flesh- Amid these currents- The salt dries on my cheeks- And I breath. By Jove I think that's got it.
Re: Same by <~>	26-Aug-02/12:09 AM
ugh! this is fun but so difficult in this format. O.K. S3 last line: out INTO the sky sounds better. And evening sweeps seperates the image from shushes in, so try; Evening sweeps out into the skies. S3 line4: Darkening it's reach really throughs me for a loop. I have no suggestions though. S4 line 3: Change amidst to amid. line 4: Salt drying on my cheeks. Infact the line in this stanza with the strongest impact for the last line is I breathe. So try: All conspire to soothe my spirit- Trapped in flesh- Amid these currents- Salt drying on my cheeks- I breathe. I'm sorry I have to go this is so much of what I love! Will do it again soon but I promised my son a massage and I have work in the wee morn. So it's au revoir.
Re: Same by <~>	25-Aug-02/11:49 PM
Or this irrational conspiracy... or just plain, all conspire... or maybe not irrational at all. The thesaurus says: unreasonable, stupid, ridiculous. If your trying to convey the inability of these natural forces to have a common intent then I think you're going to have to go for another word.
Re: Same by <~>	25-Aug-02/11:34 PM
Wow, this is a very mature piece of writing. It's almost perfect. There's just a couple of small tweaks that will make this a thing of beauty forever. 3rd stanza/line 3: darking it's reach should br changed to darkening the seas reach, or some other synonym for sea. the way the sentence is structure now, it is the Cool quiet night's reach darkening. Line 5 shush has got a great sound so I want you to keep it, but how does cold get shushed in and evening get swept out by the same agent? Last stanza 1st line: With irrational intent all conspire or Irrational intentions conspire or without rational intent (skip to next line) All conspire to soothe...
Re: Same by <~>	25-Aug-02/11:05 PM
My dear flower, I know what you mean by mrs.g, I was referring to our friend mr. p&k. I just took off my poem Queen Anne's escape yesterday, and last night I wrote aa poem with -there's gangsters and henchmen taking over this town. So the rest of you keep quite and for God's sake keep down. Innocents and victims end up hospitalized, and everyone's accountable if any one dies... The title of this poem is "Unsuitable for sensitive viewers" I typed half of it in last night and decided to remove it because it sounded to much like an arrogant complaint. what do you think about that? zinnia p&k?
Re: Our lord and saviour, the land of 60 million micks, as wonderful and noble as the pink empire. by ==Doylum	25-Aug-02/9:24 PM
Doylum I recieved your comment, and sent you a reply. I saw them both in the comments page and now they've disappeared. Anyway thank you for replying and if you could point out which common phrases, besides thick as thieves, I used in the poem. I try to be as unique as possible but after so many thousands of years of story-telling in human culture it's not so simple. If you have the time please let me know. Also I noticed it's even difficult for the humorist onboard to write without using well worn phrasiology, espacially of the piratey kind. Studied Persona? What happens if they find you actingreal, or I guess I should say not acting at all. Don't worry I won't tell.
Re: Esplanade by Wulf	25-Aug-02/6:16 PM
Why does the word Esplanade have to do with this? An esplanade is open public space. Does it have another meaning I can't vote without some clarification
Re: A piece i shall never play again by ==Doylum	25-Aug-02/6:04 PM
You got a knack for rhymning. Not enough sentiment though.
Re: Life On Earth by dougsoderstrom	25-Aug-02/2:02 PM
I apologize for being rude. i'm embarrased by that first comment I left a few days ago. The point I was trying to make is it's better to use allegory if you want an emoitional response from your audience.