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Same (Free verse) by <~> Listen to the voices:
The sea mumbles, complaining of the coast
In that ancient aquatic tongue only oceans understand;
Feathered whispers tossed into the air
Roll off tongues of surging glass
Weathered a green that never was naive;
Gulls circle, squabble, float alone together
Integral, apart, balanced like a Calder above this shore
Bask in the colorings of a palette beyond pigment:
Painted rays stain my worn frame,
Work me into belonging, with sea and surf
Despite my city clothes
Like pioneers in pieces at the British Museum,
Brave New World of Lux et Veritas, circa 1800;
Here plum shadows pool under pines,
Cool quiet night wells up softly spilling
Over sand, darkening its reach across the strand;
Water, Air join in that clasp
As grasses, needles shush the cold in
Evening sweeps out into the seas, the skies
Aspire, irrationals:
Conspire to soothe my spirit
As the sea soaks the sorrow out;
Trapped in flesh
Amidst these currents
Salt drying on my cheeks
I breathe
Up the ladder:
white harvest
Down the ladder:
Ignoranus
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.857142
Posted: August 24, 2002 12:05 AM PDT; Last modified: August 26, 2002 12:08 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.0373454 Overall Rank: 1229 Comments:
[8]
god'swife @ 209.178.177.68
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24-Aug-02/12:48 AM
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Reply
Amputate the first 2 stanzas and you've got a 10. Try it.
My dear flower, I know what you mean by mrs.g, I was referring to our friend mr. p&k. I just took off my poem Queen Anne's escape yesterday, and last night I wrote aa poem with -there's gangsters and henchmen taking over this town. So the rest of you keep quite and for God's sake keep down. Innocents and victims end up hospitalized, and everyone's accountable if any one dies... The title of this poem is "Unsuitable for sensitive viewers" I typed half of it in last night and decided to remove it because it sounded to much like an arrogant complaint. what do you think about that? zinnia p&k?
part the first: yes, and no. self-censorship? this is a hard battle; either way you lose. loose the parable on the gathered masses. if you feel arrogant writing it, then maybe it needs to be written in a different voice, froma different point of view? part the second: i took your advice re: the first 2 stanza, partially. i visciously slashed at the kernel that seeded this poem; it's a better swimmer without its old skin, methinks. and, part the third, since we seem to be the only ones alive tonight, either of you have any instant-grat criticism for me? i'd like to put this one to bed, and then to do the same for me. it's late here in the east.
Wow, this is a very mature piece of writing. It's almost perfect. There's just a couple of small tweaks that will make this a thing of beauty forever. 3rd stanza/line 3: darking it's reach should br changed to darkening the seas reach, or some other synonym for sea. the way the sentence is structure now, it is the Cool quiet night's reach darkening. Line 5 shush has got a great sound so I want you to keep it, but how does cold get shushed in and evening get swept out by the same agent? Last stanza 1st line: With irrational intent all conspire or Irrational intentions conspire or without rational intent (skip to next line) All conspire to soothe...
s3 is about the shadows. perhaps 'let the sea soak the sorrow out' needs modification? in my head, the sea is staining the sand, and the shadows do the same, and they reach for each other, so the cold is in the shadow/shade of evening, swept out (pine/grass broom) to darken the skies? as the sea does the sand? but with fewer words
Or this irrational conspiracy... or just plain, all conspire... or maybe not irrational at all. The thesaurus says: unreasonable, stupid, ridiculous. If your trying to convey the inability of these natural forces to have a common intent then I think you're going to have to go for another word.
ugh! this is fun but so difficult in this format. O.K. S3 last line: out INTO the sky sounds better. And evening sweeps seperates the image from shushes in, so try; Evening sweeps out into the skies. S3 line4: Darkening it's reach really throughs me for a loop. I have no suggestions though. S4 line 3: Change amidst to amid. line 4: Salt drying on my cheeks. Infact the line in this stanza with the strongest impact for the last line is I breathe. So try: All conspire to soothe my spirit- Trapped in flesh- Amid these currents- Salt drying on my cheeks- I breathe. I'm sorry I have to go this is so much of what I love! Will do it again soon but I promised my son a massage and I have work in the wee morn. So it's au revoir.
I'm so obssesive compulsive about writing that I can't leave it alone til I'm satisfied. Last attempt I hope! Last Stanza: All conspire to soothe my spirit- Trapped in flesh- Amid these currents- The salt dries on my cheeks- And I breath. By Jove I think that's got it.
"here plum shadows pool under pines". hell yeah.....that's arousing to the eye. you're arousing to the mind and an american treasure. and it's always a pleasure to be pleasing to you "literarily" and "literaly". touched your's truly H.
i have to thank doylum for that inspiration. he was complaining about his bruised plums...and, not wanting to dwell on that thought, i asked myself, what else is plum? and the ever-loquacious mrs g helped me peel it down to where it is now. have you ever seen the sea, here in the east, h? especially in maine? so very different from your left coast wash.
What's your favourite color, number,book,letter, aDDRESS? nah just kidding..i do highly suggest t-rex though..ummm. back to poetry..
yeah..so what's your favourite movie? ha ha! i'm drunk sorry Fuck..you liTTLE SHIT BRING A FUCKING MARTINI AHHHHHHHHH! a tiny tender rapscallion fetches it6 quickly..i'm momentarily soothed.. soo z..ahhh where did you get your user name from? a twist on the tv character? if i was larry rivers..i'd lick your but..i'm an aniMALLLL! WELL aCTUALLY a russian witch in the off limit area of siberia
green. 8. (reserves answer for later). e. 1313 mockingbird lane.
a room with a view. "truth! beauty! love! he screams as he falls out of the tree" plus there's male full frontal. <Hector! if i've told you once...if the guest wants a mortini, ask them how many olives! don't just assume they want 8! damn you boy! yes, baba, you may do the honors. here's the crop...> my user name? ah, zzinnia...drought resistant summer flower. glowing red. tall. proud. lasts forever, even when cut. heart shaped leaves. so many metaphors, only one flower. no, please, don't. <eet is an-ee-mal! hector chuckles from the gravity boots.> 249 view(s)
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