Re: a comment on Operation Candy Apple Tango by thepinkbunnyofdoom	23-Jun-03/12:54 PM
What a good girl for taking good advice. Now that you've cut away the unneccessaries you can go about expanding. Write this thing down on paper. Stare at it. Take it with you. If you here some adjective that just bowls you over or some sound/idea find a spot to stick it in this poem somewhere. Give some ideas about him, for example int he first line you say 'he's planned out...' well after that I certainly would like some small detail about 'him' what's he like? Does he always plan, what has planned before? Did it fail? Is he no planner at all? Bring me into the sphere of these people. I really love the 'taking to the sky' and the spitfire, give some more props here blue sky, goggles. I don't know it's not my poem I'm trying to give you a rough picture of how to work. Really let your imagination take you to that unknown destination. Picture the reality but then let your created truth season things up. Which weapons?
Re: Operation Candy Apple Tango by thepinkbunnyofdoom	22-Jun-03/9:07 PM
Keep lines 1-10. Go directly to line 20, leaving out 'so' at the beginning of the line. Go directly to 'it's killing him' That's a fairly good poem. Can't you see all the other lines sound like a telephone conversation between to imbeciles? No one, and I mean no one, is ever going to be interested in reading those kind of un-important conventionalisms. IT'S BORING, a huge waste of time and will turn off your audience. It's like meeting this really interesting looking guy and then you walk over to him and he opens his mouth and turns out to be a milk-toast whiner self-involved bore. Tedium. That's what I'm talking about, TEE DEE EM. Strip the poem of it, This is the only thing I've seen of any worth from anyone besides the usual suspects. Come back witht he revision and then you can work on turning this into one basic good poem.
Re: Pistolero by Wulf	18-Jun-03/9:09 PM
Clearing leather? What's that? The last line in S1 is muddled, last of S2 also, it's the sentence structure, it's confusing. I love the title, what a beautiful word.
Re: A meeting at Maverick, then dinner. by <{Baba^Yaga}>	18-Jun-03/12:12 PM
Ahhhh! the asterick, the bloody asterick! Nets and cloves and family, oh my. Nets and cloves and family, oh my! Get ride of the bye byes and the parentheticals.
Re: The Contract (2nd draft) by scitz	17-Jun-03/7:16 PM
Ok, well the first 4 lines show some promise, but then your lack of gravity makes people sink? What fucking universe are you from? Yuo lose it after that. It's all blah blah blee blee blue. Love is a blemish that blows you of course? And what's up with this WE business? It's you brother, you're going stagnantly on about. Lines 15 & 16 are the epitome of stupidity.
Re: An Invitation From Poetry.com by scitz	17-Jun-03/7:01 PM
Hurrah hurrah!!! No forced feeling, no pointless meandering, just the funny ugly poignant facts. God bless you.
Re: Good Bye by JoeDiamond252	17-Jun-03/6:54 PM
Rebecca pressed a steel barrel to my temple cocked the gun with her fist. Raped my shine. Even the mighty sun, someday will Be murdered By the dark. There's your poem kiddo. The rest is trash. Think, boy. I would have given this a three, maybe, but you dropped to new levels at the pitiful end.
Re: Leaving me Lost by JoeDiamond252	17-Jun-03/6:43 PM
keep the first line. burn the rest.
Re: Claustrophobia by INTRANSIT	17-Jun-03/6:35 PM
Funny, yesterday I was in Dutton's in Brentwood, and I too was so overwhelmed. Four giant rooms reeking of paper and binding. You know the kind, stacks on the floor, wooden ladders for reaching up up up into the nethersphere. Classical music. Anyway, I swooned when I walked in. I had to sit on a pile of encyclopedias with my head between my legs. My friend Scott fanned me with the newest copy of The New Yorker. Poets! We give so much power to the words. Jesus it's like an axe coming down. The last line is genius, all those esoteric implications. Bravo.
Re: Shut Up (Angry Progression) by thepinkbunnyofdoom	17-Jun-03/6:19 PM
This is pointless. Where's the story? You don't know shit about poetry do you?
Re: No Tomorrow by mikehi	17-Jun-03/6:17 PM
Stop preaching.
Re: Me, Myself and I by gracefulangelofsin	17-Jun-03/6:14 PM
very prosy and far too generic. Be specific and for god's sake give yourself some kind of form to work with. This is screaming for constraints and direction. did you read this after you posted? After the tenth line the grammar is awful. I feel... that's the same as a painter writing the word green across a canvas. The poet's job is to make the reader feel. Not to say I feel, I feel. Describe the violence. "People" which people. Either tell me or forget about it. This pussy-footing around is useless.
Re: a comment on Goddess of the vineyard by INTRANSIT	13-Jun-03/9:42 AM
So you're talking about cause and effect? Spiritual influence? An exchange of love or pain or anything? so the attendant at the gas station has some kind of spiritual influence over me?
Re: a comment on Goddess of the vineyard by INTRANSIT	13-Jun-03/8:43 AM
Ohhhhh... viruses?!
Re: a comment on Goddess of the vineyard by INTRANSIT	13-Jun-03/8:33 AM
Once a life has been entered, it is there for eternity? Sounds deep, please explain.
Re: Touchdown by Mona Lisa	13-Jun-03/8:12 AM
My brain hurts. wow. Poignant at the end but difficult to follow at first, put me off a bit. That "'Gap' cap" thing you do at the beginning there is also a big turn off. Do you really need it? Can you make it, I don't know, more... I don't know. I think that line just needs to go. I'll look at it again later. Overall I thought it well written.
Re: a comment on Goddess of the vineyard by INTRANSIT	13-Jun-03/7:50 AM
So are there other Goddesses? Maybe you should write about all the Gods involved? (In touch with me?).
Re: Goddess of the vineyard by INTRANSIT	12-Jun-03/7:39 PM
When they're ready she just walks away? Are you sure?
Re: Jellybean Land by JoyLuck	12-Jun-03/12:25 PM
My son loves these. He actually ate vomit. I like grass, and dirt tastes so much like dirt, it's satisfying just to know there are flavor engineers taking so much pride in their work.
Re: a comment on one starry night by crwncka1	12-Jun-03/11:04 AM
Can a single locust be heard, and if you heard one wouldn't you run screaming into town elling the locusts are coming? Don't they travel in swarms? What, do they go on vacation? Sweet poem, but locusts?