| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Operation Candy Apple Tango (Pimple) by thepinkbunnyofdoom Heâs planned out his invasion full scale
Heâs got diagrams and maps with miniature models lying on the floor
Making sure heâs got everything thought out like never before
Loaded up his weapons and its off to war
With boxes of chocolate, stuffed animals, and jewels with gems
Heâs bunkered down, in a hole lobbing serenades
Try as he might, heâs getting no back up
No ground support
So he grabs his goggles and that leather jacket she once said was cute
He takes to the sky in his spitfire
He bombards her with letters and notes that could make any woman fall
But she just shoots him down
So he loads up his boats and sets sail
But she just lets his flowers float on by
It doesnât matter what he does
She just covers him in napalm and lights it with her flaming tongue
Itâs killing him, this disastrous campaign
Up the ladder:
Zinnias are a funny flower
Down the ladder:
A Better God
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.111111
Posted: June 22, 2003 9:09 AM PDT; Last modified: June 23, 2003 1:24 PM PDTWeighted score: 7.0109897 Overall Rank: 64 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[7]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
|
22-Jun-03/11:23 AM
|
Reply
Sounds like another molested Denny's breakfast. I would suggest a grammar & spelling check, because there are a few minor problems, in every line.
[n/a]
thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.21.223
> horus8
|
22-Jun-03/12:40 PM
|
Reply
Shit I see several. Damn Damn Damn. I work it in word so I'm actually quite suprised. I'll fix those right away.
[n/a]
thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.21.223
> thepinkbunnyofdoom
|
22-Jun-03/12:47 PM
|
Reply
Disregard that Last statement I thought I saw a few but nope. No typos. I still have no clue what your talking about as far as Grammer.
[7]
horus8 @ 24.126.113.154
> thepinkbunnyofdoom
|
22-Jun-03/1:01 PM
|
Reply
My bad, I didn't see the (zit), and for some reason I had disastrous spelled (Life with Tanya) forgive me.
Keep lines 1-10. Go directly to line 20, leaving out 'so' at the beginning of the line. Go directly to 'it's killing him'
That's a fairly good poem. Can't you see all the other lines sound like a telephone conversation between to imbeciles? No one, and I mean no one, is ever going to be interested in reading those kind of un-important conventionalisms. IT'S BORING, a huge waste of time and will turn off your audience. It's like meeting this really interesting looking guy and then you walk over to him and he opens his mouth and turns out to be a milk-toast whiner self-involved bore. Tedium. That's what I'm talking about, TEE DEE EM. Strip the poem of it, This is the only thing I've seen of any worth from anyone besides the usual suspects. Come back witht he revision and then you can work on turning this into one basic good poem.
I decided to keep lines 1-11, and then went to 20. I like this much better thanx. I thought it was long winded myself, but its too many ideas put together at once for me to decide what to edit presently. Baby Steps. Thanx Alot.
What a good girl for taking good advice. Now that you've cut away the unneccessaries you can go about expanding. Write this thing down on paper. Stare at it. Take it with you. If you here some adjective that just bowls you over or some sound/idea find a spot to stick it in this poem somewhere. Give some ideas about him, for example int he first line you say 'he's planned out...' well after that I certainly would like some small detail about 'him' what's he like? Does he always plan, what has planned before? Did it fail? Is he no planner at all? Bring me into the sphere of these people. I really love the 'taking to the sky' and the spitfire, give some more props here blue sky, goggles. I don't know it's not my poem I'm trying to give you a rough picture of how to work. Really let your imagination take you to that unknown destination. Picture the reality but then let your created truth season things up.
Which weapons?
Ouch. Yet again Mistaken for a Girl, But thanks for the suggestions they really are helpfull.
Goodness! What would Kristie think? The fact that you write "poetry" at all already puts you in the NONCE ZONE... but whimsical love ballads about dreamy, leather-clad hunks in spitfires? Hmm... Do you worry about such things? Of course not. You're perfectly secure in your sexual identity. There's nothing noncey about having a creative outlet... is there? Do you read her your poetry? I'm sure you sing to her. Does she like it? I'm sure she says she likes it. But do you believe her? Even if you do believe her, do you value her opinion? Or is she just another flesh tube to you? Not that I blame you or anything like that. Afterall, what do teenage girls know about music? They're just silly. She even told me she thought you were a bit of a creep for trying to pretend to be British! What tosh! Nevertheless, who wouldn't prefer the real thing. Someone who actually knows the difference between a butter knife and the small sack-like growth hanging between the hind legs of a crushed gibbon. Someone who can discuss, at length, and without embarrassing references to the importance of better education for the working classes, a vast plethora of proposed changes to the LBW rule. Someone who could tell you the supine stem of confiteor without spontaneously congealing into a vast splat of jellied confusion. Someone like me, for instance. Someone like me.
Hmmm... D.A. getting personal. I don't act very British around her other than when I sing and I've yet to sing for her. No to the reading her poetry, and the rest of your statement is just bull shit(No wait lets use Briticism Bollocks). But thanks for giving me a laugh. D.A. other hating you to my utmost I find you to be one of the most one of the best sources of amusement I've ever found. Besides you'd merely discombobulate her.
Reminds me of battles ive fought.. yes.. the scars still hurt. I give it a 7, good imagery and expression, but it could use a little more imagination I think.
Precisely why I'm bisexual. A summer and winter home.
If I could offer you some advice it would be take more risks, and find and mix layerably more stimulating subjects and materials. For example, put tis poem inside of a diner with al of the weird characters that would accompany the diner of your imagination, 100 year old waitress with a tit job. gay tough guy rapist trucker, and so on. think U turn (the movie) then mix in this subtextualesque story of a chick that ignores you piece. capeesh.
Cute! i think DA has an obsesson with you - congrats! Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.
Ah... but then I have to stand in line.
As subtle as a 10 inch dick on a midget.
Very funny and cute. I like.
440 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
