Replying to a comment on:

Operation Candy Apple Tango (Pimple) by thepinkbunnyofdoom

He’s planned out his invasion full scale He’s got diagrams and maps with miniature models lying on the floor Making sure he’s got everything thought out like never before Loaded up his weapons and its off to war With boxes of chocolate, stuffed animals, and jewels with gems He’s bunkered down, in a hole lobbing serenades Try as he might, he’s getting no back up No ground support So he grabs his goggles and that leather jacket she once said was cute He takes to the sky in his spitfire He bombards her with letters and notes that could make any woman fall But she just shoots him down So he loads up his boats and sets sail But she just lets his flowers float on by It doesn’t matter what he does She just covers him in napalm and lights it with her flaming tongue It’s killing him, this disastrous campaign

god'swife 22-Jun-03/9:07 PM
Keep lines 1-10. Go directly to line 20, leaving out 'so' at the beginning of the line. Go directly to 'it's killing him'

That's a fairly good poem. Can't you see all the other lines sound like a telephone conversation between to imbeciles? No one, and I mean no one, is ever going to be interested in reading those kind of un-important conventionalisms. IT'S BORING, a huge waste of time and will turn off your audience. It's like meeting this really interesting looking guy and then you walk over to him and he opens his mouth and turns out to be a milk-toast whiner self-involved bore.

Tedium. That's what I'm talking about, TEE DEE EM. Strip the poem of it, This is the only thing I've seen of any worth from anyone besides the usual suspects. Come back witht he revision and then you can work on turning this into one basic good poem.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001