Re: a comment on Sir Magnedrol vs. The Dragon (part 1) by Phalkon	27-May-04/11:47 AM
No. Yes. No...maybe. No, definitely no. Well if you made it about you, or some actual human experience instead of this kiddy story type thingy. You have skill, I'll grant you that, but why errant knights and dragons? And please don't scream allegory or deeper meaning because if there is any then you completely obscured it with your Dr. Suessian foolishness. Also, why do you say one of the fellows 'cleaned' dull weapons instead of 'sharpened'? No, not even Spongebob, with his deprecatory charms, could salvage this. Well, maybe if you dressed him up as a Damsel-in-distress. Give it a whirl.
Re: Sir Magnedrol vs. The Dragon (part 1) by Phalkon	26-May-04/4:36 PM
Boring.
Re: Lorca: Canción del Jinete by Sasha	26-May-04/9:39 AM
This is a damn good translation. One of the best I've ever seen, and I've seen tons. Now whether or not you should call it "both of ours" is beyond my rights to decide. My guts tell me your trampling on the genius of another, but on the other hand you've done an excellent, and I do mean excellent, job of maintaining the tone of the original, and still you have created verse that stands on it's own "English" merits. So i can see why you feel some sense of ownership. It's a tough call. I give you a ten because it works beautifully as a translation, and you did mark it as "Other" when catagorizing it. Perhaps Mr. Kaolinfire can add it as a catagory.
Re: Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	2-Feb-04/11:11 AM
You are so fucking brilliant '...Laquered land...' '...Lowly throne...' '...Entwined in shame...' I wish I had your talent for words. Who the hell are you? it's been a pleasure, sincerely, your the tops.
Re: Take Four by NanceXToo	2-Feb-04/11:06 AM
Fantastic potential. How many times have you re-written this? It deserves some strong attention. Your beginning really needs to be done over. Sometimes you can get to the point more precisely if you try for less words to make the point. Of course that's my ultimate arguement, I'm all for concise language. For example "When you re-crafted me for the third time" "Re-crafting me for the third time". It's the tininest difference but you go through this poem and tighten it up I think you'll be pleased. I like your poem, and your use of like words to accent the huge differences between you. Keep practicing.
Re: Cold Rain Road by middenHeap	28-Jan-04/11:03 PM
Mighty damn good.
Re: The Hermit by sykes	28-Jan-04/10:48 PM
You really need to catch up on your reading. This is old hat.
Re: Tomorrow by sykes	28-Jan-04/10:45 PM
I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. Where, O Death, are your plagues? Where O grave is your destruction? Hosea 13:14 your intentions are the highest, but your poetry unfortunately is lacking. More righteousness, less prettiness. Go for the jugular. That's what Jesus did.
Re: Kernel of truth by annabellee	28-Jan-04/11:43 AM
More focus please. i lose my way from 'burning embers...' to 'Should you bind her...' can you stay with one metaphor, or at least build a segue? You also say 'ruled by none...to grasp herself from the observer' that makes no sense. also 'She knew what to decline' seems inappropriate for someone who's being threatened by imprisonment. It's all over the place. Focus.
Re: Jennifer Entire by Goad	28-Jan-04/11:27 AM
Well let's see... I am without question an e.e. cummings holdout. I found him when I was altogether weensy, and still learning English. He was key for opening the complicated lock of language. I think I learned more about English syntax from him then I ever did from all the nice ladies deconstructing sentences on the chalkboard(Just to think of those long drawnout afternoons in class makes me want to lay my head down on the desktop and drool), so I have to disagree with the notion that such experimentation is a drawback. Up intil the first 'entire' I was throughly pleased. Especially the way 'oh California' sets the beginning lines as overture to what follows. From first 'entire' to second 'entire' I can't make out what you mean. It's frustrating because then it picks up again and I can follow the thread. Could you change the 'entire-ly' to 'entire'? Let's say: 'explained dark dark hair and eyes an entire one apart yet some finger reaches' In my humble opinion this poem might benefit from more nonsense, as it were, largest wave breaking in tantalizing sun tantalizing curl of bluegreen glass & foam, the ocean has pounded shores trillion times entire though they too have never become 1. Well that was fun, Hope you don't mind. Please keep exploring. It's not often enough I get served an exotic dish.
Re: a comment on I LOVE YOUR HATE AND RIDICULE by http://janglingjack	27-Jan-04/8:20 PM
Excuse me, but your assertion that most poets are assholes is simply that, an assertion. Completely unwarranted. Perhaps you mean to say most of the participants on this site are assholes. In which case it could be argued that most of the folks here are only excercising their freedoms and their anonymity, of which there is so little of in this beleaguered existence. What would you do/say if you knew you could get away with it? That sort of thing. What I mean to say is you really should spend a moment contemplating your own remarks before you flippantly and offhandedly soil the name of so universally revered and diverse a group as "The Poets".
Re: Virginia Beach in Spring by andrewjthomas	27-Jan-04/2:35 PM
How does he feel? it's no clear sothe questionat the end is confusing. I like it, the question, but i can't contemplate it, because it's unclear how 'he' feels. I like this poem over-all. I think you should anthropomorphise the seaweed and say ' the absent-minded seaweed clings...' you do it with the tugboats, and it's always charming in a poem. I think poetry owes so much to mythology and the ability to bestow inanimate objects or creatures with human attributes. It makes the world more our own.
Re: The woods house by zodiac	27-Jan-04/2:21 PM
yes i read this and gave it a ten. I don't think of this as choppy at all. It's not so much an actual rythm I speak of , but more the why the words go together. Which in this poem is flawless. take the last stanza: You have summer and fall which naturally flow together and all at the beginning of the line which ties into fall(all/fall). They wandered in the circling hills(wander/circling). the strange freedom of the forsaken. You see the words go well together- wandering circling strange freedom- freddom forsaken strange. it's hard to point out, but the words flow into each other and as the eye moves along the words echo back to the previous words. At the end you say 'I love her' twice, then in the last line you you say he cannot even remember 'her name'. It makes a difference, like a prayer or an incantation, it's not just the meaning of the words that matter but the sound of the voice in speaking them, the lull or crash of the vowels and the consonants. Like certain chords evoke certain feelings. It's so hard to express. It can't be forced. It only works when inspiration takes hold. There are tools, meter, rhyme, assonance, etc., but in the end it's inspiration that allows the artist to create. There's a word that's on the tip of my tongue, you know when actors get on stage and make it up aas they go along. Starts witht the letter 'I', I can't remember. Sometimes my poemes come, and then I have to go back and replace words or phrases with the appropriate ones. For example once I wrote 'He grew annoyingly afraid' but it was really suppose to be 'unknowingly afraid'. I think MEXICO has some great emotion in it, but it's not spellbinding like this one.
Re: You've Given Me by broken_wing11	27-Jan-04/1:57 PM
Without the benefit of music this comes off terribly simplistic. Rework the last two stanzas. 'Everything I'm dreaming of' is too much something that's pulled out when one is at a loss for anything better. 'Amazement + glee' glee? There are better words to use that rhyme with 'me'. Unfortunately many of your stanzas have been seen and heard before. With the exceptions of S2 + S3 + S4 which I like quite a bit. I think it's important for people to express this kind of acknowledgement. Love is the most total act of a soul, reflects the nature of the soul. So this person of yours, this Beloved, deserves praise and for me, this kind of literature provides a lesson in loving. Best of luck. Do try to spread your wings a bit.
Re: a comment on Captain Cannibal by Lenore	26-Jan-04/2:28 PM
That's like saying I cook, but I don't feel obligated to make the food edible, or nutritous. And with that I'm off to the kitchen. Time to make an after-school snack, and start on dinner.
Re: a comment on Captain Cannibal by Lenore	26-Jan-04/2:22 PM
You do not feel obligated to make your poetry understood? that's preposterous. Words are for making things understood. Even "The jabberwocky is understandable, or anything ee cummings. Anyone who dabbles in the arts is obligated to make something,(thought/emotion/experience)whether collective or individual, understood. Art is a studied action. It has a purpose. Human expression, to be experienced by other humans. Much is left to interpretation, but there is always an underlying scheme. Otherwise it's drivel.
Re: a comment on Captain Cannibal by Lenore	26-Jan-04/1:55 PM
I see. Well then, you should make this poem cry-out with wit. Go back and do the whole thing over again. Try reading anything -=Dark_Angel=- for inspiration. Please get rid of the stagnant pools of seaman, please?
Re: Captain Cannibal by Lenore	26-Jan-04/1:10 PM
"stagnant pools of seamen"? The only thing missing from this poem is the well thought out use of the word 'gay'. What's this poem about? I liked the 5th stanza. Much wittier than the rest of this ballad. But seriously, what is this poem about? What insight are you trying to convey to your audience?
Re: Pilgrimage by Christof	19-Jan-04/10:54 PM
I think you could do without 'But' at the start of the last stanza. Otherwise perfect. the best use of prepositional phrases I have ever ever seen. the last two lines of the first stanza are beautifully constructed. A lovely percussion, well thoughtout wiht a terrific fallowt-through in the next stanza L2S2 is as pretty a thing as I've seen. Sort of a cross between e.e. cummings and Dylan Thomas I think. Top-notch. (Do get rid of that first 'but' S3, the more I read it, the more out of place it seems) Kisses.
Re: a comment on The woods house by zodiac	15-Jan-04/12:38 PM
Best of luck to you. I haven't got the kind of nerve it takes to display my soul for such judgements. Good for you, may your efforts be rewarded.