Re: Cool car!! by DR Limerick	6-Jul-04/11:28 AM
Bogatar and "open top car" go very well, even if a little telegraphed.
regarding some deleted poem...	6-Jul-04/12:02 PM
nicely cadenced. Stays on the elegant side of cryptic.
Re: Paradelle of Progress by Dovina	6-Jul-04/7:18 PM
Difficult form; I've got a crown I've been working on for about 2 years. Keep at it.
Re: by jessicazee	7-Jul-04/4:32 AM
nothing wrong with this one.
Re: A Piñon Limb by Dovina	7-Jul-04/10:52 AM
Not too shabby at all, nope, not at all. Because of the length I feel okay picking on a line, this one :"Where winter rains paint frozen needles," needs a meter tweek I think. But really, it doesn't hurt the thing much - well done.
Re: Bankruptcy (2) by INTRANSIT	7-Jul-04/5:15 PM
feels firm - the rhyme closes it well.
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Jul-04/7:01 AM
In a huff? I smile everytime I see one of your names. Thank you for this fine tribute, my third on this site, if memory serves. (you should stoop to my level and delete this, you really should - that will show me the arrogance of my ways)
Re: Dylan's Odyssey. by Don-Quixote	10-Jul-04/5:27 AM
couple few interesting words in there. Brainsky Monitory would make a nice ditty I think[sky].
Re: Distance by wilco	10-Jul-04/5:29 AM
2 out of three aint bad - good stuff wilco. Either of the last two stanza could be full blown poems with all the trimmings if you wanted.
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Jul-04/5:29 AM
I think that works much more clearly, I don't get the "huh?" pause anymore. Nicely done.
Re: The chance is lost inside all of my tears by Prince of Void	10-Jul-04/5:33 AM
this expression, "to plant one's fancy" - is this a euphamism for something...? this phrase "passion to dance like butterfly on " sounds very "English as a second language" - intention? This would make 5 or 6 very nice poems (if taken with something lighter in between sittings), but as it is - its a bit tedious, imho. Maybe too effective at evoking defeat.
Re: Sugared petrol isn't sweet if your ass is black & blue. by Y2kSlamPoet	10-Jul-04/5:39 AM
Its a good story, kept me reading even if I had a shameful egoist moment of "prose on a poetry site... grrrr". But its a sweet one. btw, the fix for sugar in the gas tank is a simple one. Involves simply replacing the fuel system. that last paragraph, in particular, would make a good poem; it has the crux of the thing - that this tough man would become tender at the though of dissapointing his dad.
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Jul-04/5:43 AM
not bad, KC - I'd like to see this reworked with a more steady sylable count. It's easy to see where you extend the meter in one line to compensate for an even longer extension in the next. Just a matter of tweaking it here and there. With this rhyme scheme if it were about lost love, or say, kittens - it would be horrendous. But with this lesser of the oft-used relationship themes, you should be able to get away with it.
Re: Love and Time ( sad... ) by pinay_miss_azn	10-Jul-04/5:51 AM
yep. That's sad. Two suggestions and it will increase the impact: - shorten it by leagues - use the linebreaks to your advantage, otherwise leave them where a normal speaker would put them Basically, the event itself is the main force - its up to you as a poet to take this event and convey it to the reader with power and impression. Not that you haven't done that to a certain extent - there's room, through reduction, for growth here.
Re: First Love by pinay_miss_azn	10-Jul-04/5:54 AM
This AA BB CC is *very* tough to pull off. Same for the night club act ending.
Re: A Child Once More by Quarton	10-Jul-04/5:58 AM
The rhymes kill this thing, Quarton, and its such a universal thought that's been captured in quotes and one-liners that to describe it this way - even though you've got some good word choices - is an uphill battle. More like a brick-wall battle.
Re: Johnny Depp by Rilke4ClosetLesbians	10-Jul-04/6:02 AM
Once I got past your name I could almost read the poem objectively. "a picture" can go, along with the hips allusion. The ending seems a little too abrupt - or trite. Interested to see the rewrite.
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Jul-04/6:04 AM
image works for me.
Re: Ellis Evans: Rhyfel- War by Sasha	10-Jul-04/6:05 AM
what's the Welsh look like?
Re: Ze invsible limerick by DR Limerick	10-Jul-04/6:06 AM
Cute idea. Let me try an invisible comment: