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Love and Time ( sad... ) (Free verse) by pinay_miss_azn
If I could turn back time I'd go back to the place we first started our journey on the day we first met. It is also the place our journey ended... On the day I would last lay my eyes on you again... The day I would last brush my lips against yours... The day I would last feel your fingers entwined with mine... The day I would last hear your sweet and soft voice with my ears... The day I would last see your smile that took my breath away... For that day was the day you were taken from me...by a long kept away secret...it was leukemia... I would give anything to be anywhere with you instead of standing here in the pouring rain... In the place your body now lies... in a casket...beneath the earth... How I wish it were all just a bad dream... A dream that I would soon awaken from and look to my side to find your peaceful sleeping face...But it's not a dream... I woke up this morning to find your angelic face on the pillow next to mine...gone... All that is there is a pillow on the empty side of the bed. Everything is so different... now that you're gone...because I've gotten so used to seeing your sweet morning smile the moment I wake up for so many years that all I can do now is weep and reminisce about all the times you were here...by my side...times that I will forever cherish in my broken heart... But now...I am here...raindrops mixed with tears trickling down my face...A rose in my hand...I slowly bend down and carefully lay the delicate rose on your grave...I turn around.. I shut my eyes...once again, wishing it were all just a bad dream. I open them again...it's still raining...I'm still standing here... " and you're still gone...", I whispered out loud... Suddenly, a soft wind rushed passed me... A soft tired smile crept upon my face as I looked back at your grave...Then I whispered, " I guess I'll see you in heaven... "

Up the ladder: Untitled 18
Down the ladder: my memories

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Weighted score: 4.9403987
Overall Rank: 9099
Posted: July 8, 2004 3:21 PM PDT; Last modified: July 8, 2004 3:21 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 10-Jul-04/5:51 AM | Reply
yep. That's sad.

Two suggestions and it will increase the impact:

- shorten it by leagues
- use the linebreaks to your advantage, otherwise leave them where a normal speaker would put them

Basically, the event itself is the main force - its up to you as a poet to take this event and convey it to the reader with power and impression. Not that you haven't done that to a certain extent - there's room, through reduction, for growth here.

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