Shuushin10 Jul 2004

yep. That's sad.

Two suggestions and it will increase the impact:

- shorten it by leagues
- use the linebreaks to your advantage, otherwise leave them where a normal speaker would put them

Basically, the event itself is the main force - its up to you as a poet to take this event and convey it to the reader with power and impression. Not that you haven't done that to a certain extent - there's room, through reduction, for growth here.