Re: You are a Fool, Dad by AskittlesK	28-Mar-04/6:20 AM
Too simplistic; I don't buy it. The 1/begun rhyme did it in.
Re: a lie by tre	28-Mar-04/6:23 AM
Good. This touches something real. I'll suggest to extend it slightly so that you don't end on a question - this is not a good way to end (a difficult thing to do well).
Re: my secret by tre	28-Mar-04/6:30 AM
It kept me reading though I was thinking "too much, too many words" - This theme of unrequited love/breakups is soooo done - BUT - you put a nice slant into it with some fresh ideas: "You kissed me in public. You didn't care" the "wife" angle. The trick will be to pare it down a bit without losing the sense of realism or honesty - to not make it a cathartic fabrication/built-thing. And this time, the question in the ending works pretty well. Would have more punch if there was some reference to it earlier on (but not the word music). I want to give it a nine, but I'm held back by the theme - you could very likely tweak this up to good effect.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Mar-04/6:35 AM
it's back!! The ending sentence works in this one MUCH betterly. After some quick consideration I like that alot. are you saying feet as a unit of measure along with the clay pots? I miss this line: "The warm wind and sun's precise words, the dandelion clock"
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Mar-04/3:19 PM
Brilliant. Just fucking brilliant.
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Mar-04/6:38 AM
yes, ah... the author of this fine work should be showered with gifts. And praise, praise and gifts. And money. Monies should be deposited into his paypal account. yep, that's what I say. In fact, I'll ah, MATCH, any monetary gift that anyone cares to make...
Re: We Are Born by Bobjim	29-Mar-04/6:42 AM
oh jesus.
Re: What I Am by no1sangelz23	29-Mar-04/6:48 AM
Write - write your heart out.
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Mar-04/6:50 AM
interesting. Kindof a cool idea. But too long. Shorten it by half and I'll actually like it.
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Mar-04/6:51 AM
I think I just read this...
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Mar-04/4:50 PM
I'll limit my crits to two simple things. One, is basic - try to show, not tell - and really, try not to do both (like you've done here). 2) loose the buts.
Re: The Girl With the Tye-Dyed Hair by wilco	29-Mar-04/4:54 PM
First stanza - the age old confusion: do they congregate to the girl or the bar? This makes brain go "huh? OH, okay" The punch line falls flat, imho. dunno [shrug]
Re: Old Glory by Richard	29-Mar-04/4:57 PM
Nice concrete. These are unusual enough that I won't fault you for the content - which isn't so horrible as _others_ may lead you to believe... As a concrete - an 8
Re: Dreams and Galaxies by embersandenvelopes	29-Mar-04/5:02 PM
Not bad vsuede. I think you said "spell" one time too many, and you have a capital "A" where you don't want one. This is one of those that I'm sometimes guilty of too though - it's pretty, has some clever language, but one walks away not quite knowing what it is about. That's fine to an extent, but I don't think you got away with it here (at least with me).
Re: From the Top of Apartment Stairwells by embersandenvelopes	29-Mar-04/5:03 PM
A tastey snippet - but needs more to be more.
Re: Scattered Spaces by embersandenvelopes	29-Mar-04/5:06 PM
and so.... ? again, need more context methinks. Some nice language though.
Re: peppermint by the indign	29-Mar-04/5:08 PM
Hmmmm. A little punctuation would not hurt this - not that I'm not for a little artistic freedom, but in this case - its a distracting omission. I almost like this - pare it down a bit and I think it will be more palatable.
Re: searching by francis nor capule	29-Mar-04/5:19 PM
"i won't promise the stars [OR]the moon" - this is a common mistake. Its a nice sentiment.
Re: dying love by singinkygal	29-Mar-04/5:26 PM
Needs to stand out from this very crowded "lost love" room.
Re: debating by FreeFormFixation	29-Mar-04/5:29 PM
I liked it, sure. Clangs along nicely enough.