It kept me reading though I was thinking "too much, too many words" -
This theme of unrequited love/breakups is soooo done - BUT - you put a nice slant into it with some fresh ideas:
"You kissed me in public. You didn't care"
the "wife" angle.
The trick will be to pare it down a bit without losing the sense of realism or honesty - to not make it a cathartic fabrication/built-thing.
And this time, the question in the ending works pretty well. Would have more punch if there was some reference to it earlier on (but not the word music).
I want to give it a nine, but I'm held back by the theme - you could very likely tweak this up to good effect.
This theme of unrequited love/breakups is soooo done - BUT - you put a nice slant into it with some fresh ideas:
"You kissed me in public. You didn't care"
the "wife" angle.
The trick will be to pare it down a bit without losing the sense of realism or honesty - to not make it a cathartic fabrication/built-thing.
And this time, the question in the ending works pretty well. Would have more punch if there was some reference to it earlier on (but not the word music).
I want to give it a nine, but I'm held back by the theme - you could very likely tweak this up to good effect.
on some deleted poem
28 Mar 2004, 6:35 AM
it's back!!
The ending sentence works in this one MUCH betterly. After some quick consideration I like that alot.
are you saying feet as a unit of measure along with the clay pots?
I miss this line:
"The warm wind and sun's
precise words,
the dandelion clock"
The ending sentence works in this one MUCH betterly. After some quick consideration I like that alot.
are you saying feet as a unit of measure along with the clay pots?
I miss this line:
"The warm wind and sun's
precise words,
the dandelion clock"
on debating by FreeFormFixation
29 Mar 2004, 5:29 PM
I liked it, sure. Clangs along nicely enough.
on some deleted poem
28 Mar 2004, 3:19 PM
Brilliant. Just fucking brilliant.
on some deleted poem
29 Mar 2004, 6:38 AM
yes, ah... the author of this fine work should be showered with gifts. And praise, praise and gifts.
And money.
Monies should be deposited into his paypal account. yep, that's what I say.
In fact, I'll ah, MATCH, any monetary gift that anyone cares to make...
And money.
Monies should be deposited into his paypal account. yep, that's what I say.
In fact, I'll ah, MATCH, any monetary gift that anyone cares to make...
on We Are Born by Bobjim
29 Mar 2004, 6:42 AM
oh jesus.
on What I Am by no1sangelz23
29 Mar 2004, 6:48 AM
Write - write your heart out.
on some deleted poem
29 Mar 2004, 6:50 AM
interesting. Kindof a cool idea. But too long.
Shorten it by half and I'll actually like it.
Shorten it by half and I'll actually like it.
on some deleted poem
29 Mar 2004, 6:51 AM
I think I just read this...
on some deleted poem
29 Mar 2004, 4:50 PM
I'll limit my crits to two simple things. One, is basic - try to show, not tell - and really, try not to do both (like you've done here).
2) loose the buts.
2) loose the buts.
on The Girl With the Tye-Dyed Hair by wilco
29 Mar 2004, 4:54 PM
First stanza - the age old confusion: do they congregate to the girl or the bar? This makes brain go "huh? OH, okay"
The punch line falls flat, imho. dunno [shrug]
The punch line falls flat, imho. dunno [shrug]
on Dreams and Galaxies by embersandenvelopes
29 Mar 2004, 5:02 PM
Not bad vsuede.
I think you said "spell" one time too many, and you have a capital "A" where you don't want one.
This is one of those that I'm sometimes guilty of too though - it's pretty, has some clever language, but one walks away not quite knowing what it is about.
That's fine to an extent, but I don't think you got away with it here (at least with me).
I think you said "spell" one time too many, and you have a capital "A" where you don't want one.
This is one of those that I'm sometimes guilty of too though - it's pretty, has some clever language, but one walks away not quite knowing what it is about.
That's fine to an extent, but I don't think you got away with it here (at least with me).
on From the Top of Apartment Stairwells by embersandenvelopes
29 Mar 2004, 5:03 PM
A tastey snippet - but needs more to be more.
on Scattered Spaces by embersandenvelopes
29 Mar 2004, 5:06 PM
and so.... ?
again, need more context methinks.
Some nice language though.
again, need more context methinks.
Some nice language though.
on peppermint by the indign
29 Mar 2004, 5:08 PM
Hmmmm.
A little punctuation would not hurt this - not that I'm not for a little artistic freedom, but in this case - its a distracting omission.
I almost like this - pare it down a bit and I think it will be more palatable.
A little punctuation would not hurt this - not that I'm not for a little artistic freedom, but in this case - its a distracting omission.
I almost like this - pare it down a bit and I think it will be more palatable.
on searching by francis nor capule
29 Mar 2004, 5:19 PM
"i won't promise the stars [OR]the moon" - this is a common mistake.
Its a nice sentiment.
Its a nice sentiment.
on dying love by singinkygal
29 Mar 2004, 5:26 PM
Needs to stand out from this very crowded "lost love" room.
The 1/begun rhyme did it in.