Comments bynentwined, 601–620 back. Include replies

on THE MISSING HEART by Prince of Void 17 Dec 2002, 11:37 AM
THIS HURTS.
on some deleted poem 17 Dec 2002, 11:31 AM
sorry, umm. no thanks. :) [or is that: no! down boy, down! no sun/son for you today!]
on Ever Felt by nightii 17 Dec 2002, 11:19 AM
interesting. I'd like these three images to be more intertwined, somehow. 7
on Seasons by impaired 17 Dec 2002, 11:14 AM
sorry. umm. it's pretty, but I couldn't make my way through "yet another seasons poem" (though I know I'm also to blame for writing such things...) maybe if you clothed it more esoterically, or obfuscated it through stronger metaphor?
on terrorism and break dancing by w~* ATHENA *~w 17 Dec 2002, 11:11 AM
I liked it up until "there was a summer I learned to like beer" -- that threw me off of the rhythm I'd build up, and... dunno, randomized everything else to dust.
on some deleted poem 17 Dec 2002, 11:12 AM
anything with nascent and butterflies gets kudos from me. (well, no, not anything, but I like it) -- the subject I think is a bit tired, and could possibly benefit from more of the playful treatment you start the piece out with.
on Love is just a word by trev086 17 Dec 2002, 11:16 AM
love is definitely a word used too much. especially for poems.

I'd recommend trying to work on the rhythm of this piece so that it flows more naturally. (try reading it outloud and see where you stumble... count syllables and compare stress if you're really bored...)

beyond that, eh.
on some deleted poem 17 Dec 2002, 11:21 AM
bare -> bear.

seems a little forced, and the rhythm fell apart here and there... I can't say I took anything from it.
on some deleted poem 17 Dec 2002, 11:22 AM
I wrote like this when I was in middleschool. I liked it then.
on Deaf by sav876 17 Dec 2002, 11:24 AM
a try. I like the sentiment of the last line and how it puts some twist on the rest, but... the rhymes feel canned, the rhythm flat...
on some deleted poem 17 Dec 2002, 11:31 AM
"In your shoes I'll walk a mile" -- this line made me stop reading. a) forced into a 'poetic' form, b) cliche. try to say it some other way? or simpler?
on The Phoebe Snow by horus8 17 Dec 2002, 11:32 AM
cute, but the last stanza didn't wrap it together for me. 6
on making progress (a piece of it) by Limness 17 Dec 2002, 11:33 AM
this isn't amazingly original, but it's very pretty; well done, really. 8
on some deleted poem 17 Dec 2002, 11:35 AM
too high-and-mighty-for me. eh. felt like bad death metal lyrics, honestly, even with the "postitive" tone.
on The Dreamer by Nicholas Jones 17 Dec 2002, 11:40 AM
very well done. 9
on Surreal... by Yardbird 17 Dec 2002, 11:47 AM
good surreal, but no rhyming?
on some deleted poem 17 Dec 2002, 11:13 AM
hmm.
on Swimming by [mojo] 17 Dec 2002, 11:17 AM
I almost REALLY like this. :/ it doesn't flow pleasantly for me, but ... almost. 7
on Epitome of Pathetic by royalflesh 17 Dec 2002, 11:17 AM
cute. well done. :) 9
on happy hour by Limness 17 Dec 2002, 11:22 AM
cubefarm. eh.