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Swimming (Free verse) by [mojo]
I swam into the sun, Once upon a time. Once within a tide, Once when having fun, Once when deeds were done, When stories were created, And not just being told, Tattered and worn memories related, Regurgitated By us now we're too old, And the water feels too cold. But I swear I swam into the sunrise, With the taste of salt and beer, With the smell of brine and fear, With the sound of splashing cheer, With five o'clock bravado, I could have touched it's face, But the water's so uninviting now, And time's a lonely place.

Down the ladder: July 6, 2002

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.076923
Weighted score: 5.0562353
Overall Rank: 6794
Posted: September 10, 2002 12:30 PM PDT; Last modified: September 10, 2002 12:30 PM PDT
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Comments:
[2] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 | 10-Sep-02/11:42 PM | Reply
INDECENTLY INNAPROPRIATE! what the fuck are you gabbering about...our small pud in christof's mouth with piping hot bravado(oh! what imagery 9!)....fuck-it! wear your tuxedo...hows that for imagery....what a waste of invisible ink...vanish?! your mojo is minus beak. see my kale gun ...duck! 2/10!
[n/a] [mojo] @ 195.92.194.17 > Bachus | 13-Sep-02/11:44 AM | Reply
I welcome all comments, good or bad. However this latest offering from Bachus is simply indecipherable. I would appreciate an elaboration/translation. Or would that be a waste of time? What did Christof have to do with it? I'm afraid the reference to a tuxedo goes way over my head. Maybe I'm stupid, or maybe Bachus was trying to sound so clever that he confused himself. If you don't like one of my poems please tell me. Even better offer some advice, but please, keep this sort of nonsense to yourself.
[7] Limness @ 24.44.185.41 | 12-Sep-02/8:11 AM | Reply
Perhaps a companion would make this swim possible once again?
[7] nentwined @ 66.92.183.34 | 17-Dec-02/11:17 AM | Reply
I almost REALLY like this. :/ it doesn't flow pleasantly for me, but ... almost. 7
[n/a] [mojo] @ 195.92.168.176 > nentwined | 29-Dec-02/3:26 AM | Reply
Thanks (almost :) .Any suggestions? Any specific places you find the rhythm jarring. This isn't one of my favourites, maybe i could improve it, with some advice?
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