Replying to a comment on:

Swimming (Free verse) by [mojo]

I swam into the sun, Once upon a time. Once within a tide, Once when having fun, Once when deeds were done, When stories were created, And not just being told, Tattered and worn memories related, Regurgitated By us now we're too old, And the water feels too cold. But I swear I swam into the sunrise, With the taste of salt and beer, With the smell of brine and fear, With the sound of splashing cheer, With five o'clock bravado, I could have touched it's face, But the water's so uninviting now, And time's a lonely place.

[mojo] 29-Dec-02/3:26 AM
Thanks (almost :) .Any suggestions? Any specific places you find the rhythm jarring. This isn't one of my favourites, maybe i could improve it, with some advice?




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001