regarding some deleted poem...	29-Jan-04/4:55 PM
This is an intriguing idea, and I like the kick-in-the-pants last line. is line 2 the way you intended it? It seems to be missing a word. A little nitpick: since you seem to be going for terse, tight & pithy, why not get rid of the unnecessary the at the start of S.2L.2. and "to" in S.3L.3?
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Jan-04/5:00 PM
At first this seemed substantially more interesting than your usual fare, but I was disappointed never to learn what your crime was. But there is no actual depiction of a crime to warrant the dismay of the introduction, instead it degenerates into generic bitching and moaning. I'm very disappointed, I was all eager to give you a good vote for a change.
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Jan-04/5:03 PM
Ms. Swift. Why write the same pome over and over again? What is the pointe? Fuck, I mean point. Goddamn Dark Angel and his spurious e's.
regarding some deleted poem...	30-Jan-04/4:15 PM
NICE twist.
Re: Your True War Story by zodiac	1-Feb-04/5:22 AM
This is the best of your war pomes, I think. But this habit of posting pomes on top of other unrelated pomes is disconcerting -- perhaps you should consider investing in another nick? "Coming home without enough character to kill" is simply wonderful.
Re: On The Floor of the Hospital by Fear of Garbage	1-Feb-04/5:45 PM
I don't understand what the red books are about, or how they relate to the rest of the pome. Last line is stunning. "snapping like thorns off of cotton" is incredibly apt. monitor is spelled wrong. The two lines about the nurse -- you get much done with few words. more more more more more more. I want more. Quit school and write 12 hours a day. Or something.
Re: The Postcard Shop by Fear of Garbage	1-Feb-04/5:58 PM
I can't find a context to encompass the details.
Re: Something's gone wrong by zodiac	5-Feb-04/3:44 PM
I tried to find something to nitpick on this pome, but I can't (I'm not sure why I'm the only one who thinks it's a 10) Last line is killer. Ok, I found my nitpick, but it's only a personal preference: I prefer wouldn't to couldn't. I think your narrator's more a wouldn't leave than a couldn't leave.
Re: Let's Let the Flies In, Thomas by NanceXToo	5-Feb-04/4:19 PM
The last line appeals muchly to me as a good Canadian. The one line I don't like -- and I dislike it quite strongly -- is "but I lost my voice when you lost yours" It's a cliche in an otherwise quite original depiction of remembering a lost mate. And your narrator just doesn't strike me at all as someone who's lost her voice. It jars.
Re: I don't fit in by devina	7-Feb-04/1:19 PM
I notice you made no comment on my pome when you came to my page to whine about my cruelty--kinda makes what you said somewhat hypocritical, don't you think? I change my vote to a 10. There's your green bar where you want it. Everyone who counts will know exactly what that 10 means. You posted your pome without any intention of improving it. If you'd had any intention of improving it, you'd have fixed the glaring grammatical and word-use mistakes. You say hole instead of whole. You say knew instead of new. You said "what everyone do". These are incredibly stupid mistakes of grammar, but are not really that important. Here's the real reason everyone who counts condemned your pome: You chose as a topic something that is written about constantly, and didn't bother to say anything at all new, original or creative about it. The entire pome is "telling" -- ZERO "showing". Not a single concrete detail, just cliche after endless cliche. There is absolutely nothing in 23 lines that allows us to identify anything at all about the narrator, or their situation. Nothing. Not a color, not an image, not a glimpse of character, no people, no buildings, no trees, no rooms, no anything. No carefully manicured metaphors, nor sprawling similes. Nothing at all of interest. Why didn't you just post "I don't fit in and I feel shitty about it." There isn't anything else in your 23 lines but a repetition of that. If you had ever read anything at all about poetry anywhere, you would know that all telling with no showing is THE cardinal sin of poetry. You can break any other rule -- ANY other rule -- and get away with it if you do it creatively and skillfully, but not this one. How is it that you don't know this about poetry? Or that you failed to see it in what you wrote? If you are too lazy too learn anything about writing before you post your babblings, why should anyone take you seriously or show you any respect? In any other field of endeavour in life, could you walk in without making any effort to learn what's what and expect anyone to respond to you with anything other than derision? People being cruel just for the fun of it is a very effective force for improving your poetry. Here's why: they know nothing about you. Nothing at all. The only ability they have to be cruel is what the pomes you post give them. In other words, those pointlessly cruel comments are indeed pointing out exactly what is wrong with you poetry, if you are willing to listen. A lot of the commentary & posturing I do on here is because I want to provoke people into being cruel to me, or more specifically, to the pomes I post. Because I WANT to know when I've written something stupid, so I can improve. Is that enough actual targeted criticism for you? Or did you even bother to read this far. You don't deserve targeted criticism, because you haven't made enough effort to learn anything on your own yet. You fucking stupid bint.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Feb-04/1:26 PM
This has also been debunked. It was written by hand & tuned to be easily comprehended. Randomly altered text shows, in general, no such ease of comprehension.
Re: before I forget by moonUnit	7-Feb-04/1:36 PM
I'm giving this an 8 too. It's not really an 8 for me now, but I think it has the potential to be a 10. "I will be out" bothers me -- what, out of prison? out on your own? out for lunch? out of the office? I agree with biteme that the cracks...red umbrella line is excellent.
Re: After the ice season ~ shamelessly lewd revision by zodiac	8-Feb-04/1:27 PM
Once again I admire your ability to construct naturally flowing inversion-free rhyming lines. well I suppose there is one inversion, but it seems totally natural. I find myself wanting to know something about the reason for the long ice season... This has just a hint of "O western wind..." about it. Was that a source of inspiration at all? What if you made an explicit reference...would it add or just be trite?
Re: Gone Wrong by XpunkXgirlX	16-Feb-04/3:16 PM
Jesus christ it must be difficult to walk down the street of a typical american city these days what with all the debris from exploding/shattered teen hearts, the corpses littering the sidewalks of kids who just couldn't handle their life of never being hungry and having the best medical care, schooling, clothing, & toys in the history of mankind. Whine whine whine whine whine whine whine. You are no punk. You're a fucking whiner. There's another 16 year old on here who actually knows how to write. She's called Fear of Garbage. Maybe she's 17 now. Look her up: THAT's poetry. This is not poetry. It's whining.
Re: The feeling by devina	16-Feb-04/3:36 PM
This love, it vibrates?
Re: Burn by XpunkXgirlX	16-Feb-04/4:35 PM
wow, in the course of this pome you slit your wrists, drown, bleed to death, and are apparently chopped up into pieces. How will you ever recover from such dire abuse in time to post another pome next week? Recovering would take weeks, if not months, of hospitalization. So if we see another post in the next couple of weeks we'll all know the pome was bullshit hyperbole.
regarding some deleted poem...	17-Feb-04/1:35 PM
Oh yes, most definitely. By an endless variety of meticulously conceived means, each more exquisite than the last, each going beyond what you thought the last time was surely the pinnacle.
regarding some deleted poem...	19-Feb-04/11:59 AM
you are entirely right. The fireworks are only going off in your head. Does voting for your own pomes help you maintain the illusion? just curious.
Re: Goodbye by Sunshine Conkey	21-Feb-04/10:11 AM
ick. passive aggressive faux-self-sacrificing whining. stay away.
Re: A Wanderlust To The New by fevriere	17-Apr-05/6:03 PM
"So what is this thrumming coin on the strand?" is very nice.