Re: Math Poem 2 by Dovina	28-Dec-04/7:49 AM
Much better. The start is a bit weak, I would say if you want to write a maths poem use mathematical terms to give the poem better precision. 'Bumping about in randomness' and 'loosely connected', are too vague. They turn the reader off immediately. Other than that there is a more obvious natural progression in this poem than the previous one.
Re: Elopement by Sasha	31-Dec-04/5:07 AM
I have no doubt you write well.
regarding some deleted poem...	31-Dec-04/5:12 AM
I believe you have done a similar one before. The calm reflection just before you are engulfed (little point in panicking now). A slight poem but then again a slight time frame.
Re: Point Blank by jroday	2-Jan-05/7:15 AM
Not a particularly incisive analysis. Poems need to be more subtle and crafted. The only poem I see here is the bit where jesus comes down as a jew and everyone is suspicious of him. Also don't use caps they are the most artless device of communication ever.
Re: My Wife by Dovina	3-Jan-05/3:00 PM
I couldn't help but notice a fish made an unannounced entrance and then just disappeared. This is how it should be.
Re: Nectar of Infinity by MacFrantic	13-Jan-05/6:18 AM
The last verse seems a bit tacked on. The rest is very nice to read but you do know that people don't write like that anymore.
Re: Peptalk in the Dugout by Dovina	13-Jan-05/6:37 AM
It is correct that players of the old 'games of ball' can be a tad coarse but to suggest gentlemen use the kind of immigrant slang employed in this poem I will not believe.
Re: Peptalk in the Dugout by Dovina	13-Jan-05/6:38 AM
This is overpunctuated. It sounds less the team talk of a games master and more the team talk of an RSI inflicted Stephen Hawking.
Re: A love apple's just a tomato (edit of "Uprooting") by fevriere	2-Feb-05/9:56 AM
Comma after love in fourth verse I presume. Love's only potatoes made me giggle. Personally I would have put it at the start, dare the narrator to explain herself on the whole love spud thing.
Re: Separation by Dovina	8-Feb-05/3:02 PM
I very much doubt you are an authoritative source on theology, so anything you write about religion per se is going to be misinformed and consequently valueless. The bit where you bring together the Lutherans and methodists and catholics and represent them as a kind of hierarchy is I guess interesting, but you go too far in your conclusions later on, and what the hell is all this about spewed from the mouth of god. The metaphor is utterly random and unrelated to the rest of the poem. I thought metaphors had to be built up.
Re: Hunger by Dovina	21-Feb-05/6:25 AM
In free verse each line should always be semi-independent from the preceeding text i.e. it should stand on its own, therefore the instructions should be to you not the reader. Other than that be wary of using labels for abstractions 'mental formulations' 'volition'. It is always better to show than tell.
Re: Help me find a poet (This is an actual question, not a poem) by Plaidypus	21-Feb-05/11:48 AM
That description is not much use. But if you are serious about them having more poems than you have ever seen, go to the users page click on poems at the top to sort users by number of poems and check through see if you recognize any names. It may have been Christof or poetandknowit or edpeterson I guess.
Re: Advertising says: by Dovina	2-Mar-05/11:39 AM
Eat healthfully? If you really believe advertising is some great contradiction because some people want you to spent your money on their tat and not someone else's but that someone else wants the opposite then I would at least suggest portraying these people asking you to be fat or to 'eat healthfully'. And what is the spacing all about, 44 words on 31 lines!
Re: Fastso by Dovina	7-Mar-05/8:28 AM
I don't think fat people tend to be jolly. I think they tend to be poor and hence have nothing to be jolly about :(
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Mar-05/2:36 PM
Cute. But with it being a joke and all, I think the short lines and excessive punctuation are a bit too portentious. I mean punchlines shouldn't be so tortured, right?
Re: You Fell Asleep First by jessicazee	7-Mar-05/2:40 PM
Should have kept ethnic studies. This is pretty much prose as well so there was little need for all the flashy effects. Not bad.
Re: Death is a Three Step Process by dancin_n_da_moonlite	7-Mar-05/2:46 PM
Sudden Death Syndrome. Don't get the rest of it though.
Re: Death is a Three Step Process by dancin_n_da_moonlite	7-Mar-05/3:52 PM
sad noess depres sion suic ide. Got ya. Probably a bit ambitious to do an acrostic in this manner and have it make sense.
Re: Apostrophetic Loss by Dovina	10-Mar-05/2:16 PM
I think you need to stop being so angry. The anger in this poem is the worst type of anger, dull anger. All this talk of in-crowd and rules, dull, dull, dull and the least said about the ending the better. The first verse was quite well constructed I thought, the poem did lose its discipline afterwards though.
Re: To those that would teach poetry by INTRANSIT	10-Mar-05/2:32 PM
I'm having a bit of trouble with the metaphor here. The teacher is metaphorically holding a pistol to your head by forcing you to write. 'And then I would forge you a sword to be used against me later.' It is unclear why the effect of holding a pistol to your head would 'forge a sword' or how that sword could be used against you. The end is fine, although I missed that you wanted pushing to write first time (it seemed unexpected).