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You Fell Asleep First (Free verse) by jessicazee
I played cribbage against a Canadian and won, fifteen twelve, his nobs, logging off finally the sound of you breathing knowing the sound of you sleeping I’m being quiet as I can I’ll shut the light off now, won’t flush, sneezing into my armpit I didn't ever hear that board creak before (thanks for trying to be quiet last night, your cough and footsteps were what I needed, don’t forget I brought home banana cream pie, it was free, my modem dialing is computer for I love you, my phone calls are touching, I’m touched enough to make a worrywart of anyone) it’s the second Conan when I take the clean pillows put in the earplugs talk about breakfast eggs bacon and toast as good as a screw

Up the ladder: Vibrissae
Down the ladder: Wrapping a Gift

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.2
Weighted score: 5.2622466
Overall Rank: 3976
Posted: March 5, 2005 12:57 AM PST; Last modified: March 6, 2005 10:59 PM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 163.1.146.224 | 5-Mar-05/2:48 AM | Reply
I wish I had a degree in Ethnic Studies. It would be well ace.
[10] crooked_smile @ 205.188.116.135 | 5-Mar-05/8:47 AM | Reply
ooh i love this
im not sure if you were trying to convey an "inner" meaning, or if you were just giving an illustrative piece but either way i think its excellent - 10 -
[10] that_funny_girl @ 205.188.116.135 | 5-Mar-05/9:33 AM | Reply
i agree with crooked_smile - 10 -
[n/a] jessicazee @ 152.163.100.195 > that_funny_girl | 6-Mar-05/10:58 PM | Reply
thanks for the ups. I have a new version, the title for now is 'you fell asleep first'...wanted to make it a new one but this site says I have to wait 2_hours_...I might be in my attic drinking whiskey by then...
[10] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 | 7-Mar-05/5:07 AM | Reply
I know a Canadian here whose knobs log me off every time.
[9] Dovina @ 12.72.33.85 | 7-Mar-05/8:42 AM | Reply
Except for some confusing spacing and "my phone calls are touching," which seems to change the focus, I like it.
[9] edpeterson @ 68.79.19.251 | 7-Mar-05/10:53 AM | Reply
Liked it better before. The language seemed clearer. The stuff you have added is interesting, but poorly worded, imho.
[8] richa @ 81.178.193.41 | 7-Mar-05/2:40 PM | Reply
Should have kept ethnic studies. This is pretty much prose as well so there was little need for all the flashy effects. Not bad.
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