on Blinded by Dostoyevsky
6 Apr 2003, 8:09 AM
Right, here it is. I've been thinking about this one a bit and whereas there's some good stuff I believe that you should try to inject some beauty into it. The bit that gets me is 'drowning pool'. That has no relevance to the poem. Use a better adjective-one that's more truthful or change the line a bit. What about "Tumbling under this troubled pool". Well maybe not that but you get the idea.
on Broken Man by Dostoyevsky
6 Apr 2003, 8:03 AM
It's quite difficult for me to read these while listening to Wishbone Ash.
Do I notice just a hint of Plato in here?
Also I can see that only myself and Lunar have read this one. All I can suggest is that you spend time reading the works of others.
Have a nice day-see you tomorrow.
Do I notice just a hint of Plato in here?
Also I can see that only myself and Lunar have read this one. All I can suggest is that you spend time reading the works of others.
Have a nice day-see you tomorrow.
on The lyric of the cabbage by Dostoyevsky
6 Apr 2003, 8:00 AM
The commas, the commas...NOOOOO
You are most certainly better at writing these lighthearted ditties than the poems of yours.
I'm thinking an 8 sounds about right.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
You are most certainly better at writing these lighthearted ditties than the poems of yours.
I'm thinking an 8 sounds about right.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
on Past by Dostoyevsky
6 Apr 2003, 7:56 AM
Right, here goes. I really like line 13, it works...although I agree with z that a bit more elaboration would work. You think that my work has too many intricacies, which may well be true-but here I think you could easily afford to offer more description to the reader. Make me see the peasant, make me see the illusion. Get rid of the 'random images and thoughts' because that tells nothing. If you must keep the thoughts, let the reader know what they are and why they are relevant. Definitely keep the line after-it's great.
You must expand and explain the delusion and the truth because they're meaningless as they are. I saw that you want people to take your work at face value which is cool because that lets you go full on crazy with description-but that means you must describe and tell everything that needs to be told in order to make sense of the poem.
Okay, that's that for now. I will not vote on this yet because I expect you will want to edit it. At the moment it wouldn't get a very high mark, but I will come back to mark it when you've redone it.
Definitely remove the commas. They are unnecessary in this format.
PS Why you in a stress with me?
You must expand and explain the delusion and the truth because they're meaningless as they are. I saw that you want people to take your work at face value which is cool because that lets you go full on crazy with description-but that means you must describe and tell everything that needs to be told in order to make sense of the poem.
Okay, that's that for now. I will not vote on this yet because I expect you will want to edit it. At the moment it wouldn't get a very high mark, but I will come back to mark it when you've redone it.
Definitely remove the commas. They are unnecessary in this format.
PS Why you in a stress with me?
replying on His Dying Words (2nd draft) by Ranger
6 Apr 2003, 7:42 AM
Why are you in a bad mood with me?
I didn't want fire and passion in this because it's supposed to be a sad poem. Please also give me an example of an intricacy, this wasn't something I wrote deliberately to look clever, it was done in approx 10 mins and I later edited.
Oh well, thank you for giving me your opinion.
I didn't want fire and passion in this because it's supposed to be a sad poem. Please also give me an example of an intricacy, this wasn't something I wrote deliberately to look clever, it was done in approx 10 mins and I later edited.
Oh well, thank you for giving me your opinion.
replying on Frozen Angel by Ranger
5 Apr 2003, 9:36 AM
We do indeed, I'll tell you later. Thanks for your comments!
replying on Spring Rolls by Ranger
5 Apr 2003, 9:33 AM
That's okay, I get the impression that it's not that great as a meaningful poem...I've got plans to change it, but it'll take a while.
See ya monday!
See ya monday!
replying on Beauty, sleeping by Ranger
5 Apr 2003, 9:32 AM
Thanks GW, I am a musician but not very knowledgeable one...but I know what you mean. Thanks for your advice, I like this one but I also like your suggestions so I think I'll write it again to compare.
Always appreciate your suggestions!
(What's rampion?)
Thanks once again!
Always appreciate your suggestions!
(What's rampion?)
Thanks once again!
on Our Sweet Lady Lispalot by lunar
5 Apr 2003, 9:25 AM
Hey Lunar, just noticed you're online too...can't stop cos I've got to go out, but I still think this one's great! 9
replying on Sublime Street Morals by thepinkbunnyofdoom
5 Apr 2003, 9:23 AM
I noticed.
Quite a good poem! I like the ending-the final line wraps it up nicely. Good stuff.8
Quite a good poem! I like the ending-the final line wraps it up nicely. Good stuff.8
on Which Ever Way The Wind Blows by Katie
5 Apr 2003, 9:20 AM
I've just seen your profile and I think that you're the best teenage poet on this site! How's Florida at this time of year?
on Which Ever Way The Wind Blows by Katie
5 Apr 2003, 9:17 AM
This is wonderful! It's a shame nobody else has looked at it yet. I love it all. 10
on Bizzare by Bobjim the II
5 Apr 2003, 9:10 AM
And I thought you were joking about the whole sickness thing. How silly of me.
replying on A Haiku-cum-thingy (really) by Bobjim
5 Apr 2003, 9:08 AM
You still can't spell plagiarised. I keep telling you how to. Grr.
You didn't listen to that Jeff Buckley CD yesterday. Bastard.
Oh and before I forget, I will grease the wheels that will carry you to the bottom fifteen with a nice slippery 0.
You didn't listen to that Jeff Buckley CD yesterday. Bastard.
Oh and before I forget, I will grease the wheels that will carry you to the bottom fifteen with a nice slippery 0.
on Ode to necrophilia by Bobjim
5 Apr 2003, 9:05 AM
Not nearly enough zeros. At all. Here's one more for your count, though, young Bobby J.
replying on Morman On A Bike by Blindproject217
3 Apr 2003, 11:44 AM
Sarcasm! Mr. T, I would like to take this opportunity to be really really selfish and ask you if you'll let me know what you think to my poemes because I respect your ability.
replying on Morman On A Bike by Blindproject217
3 Apr 2003, 11:42 AM
You rule, Dark Angel, I've never laughed so much to a comment!
replying on Bible Quoting Fag Killer (So it is said) by Blindproject217
3 Apr 2003, 11:38 AM
Alternatively you could write about a shoehorne. That's a feat that I've not managed yet. Throw in a couple of prawnes, a pair of soiled underpants and a pirate's nest and I think you'll have written pretty much the perfect poem. Let me know when you've done it, I have a ten waiting.
I agree with Tintagiles, the last line should be 'prawne', not 'pawn'. At least that's what I thought upon a first read.
I'm glad to see that you're a nice person, however don't be too Kantian in your life because as I've found it's a pile of crap and people will take advantage of your niceness. Just get along with everyone who deserves it. Take it easy, write what you want and enjoy it.
Good Evening to All.
I agree with Tintagiles, the last line should be 'prawne', not 'pawn'. At least that's what I thought upon a first read.
I'm glad to see that you're a nice person, however don't be too Kantian in your life because as I've found it's a pile of crap and people will take advantage of your niceness. Just get along with everyone who deserves it. Take it easy, write what you want and enjoy it.
Good Evening to All.
on all in my head by calilegzzz
3 Apr 2003, 11:29 AM
Give this a twist towards the end, dedicate it to your mother rather than someperson we'll never really know about. If you want to keep the subject the same then it needs more complexity and slightly less cliche. I quite like the opener/concluder.
on why can't i say 'teabag' on the radio? by bondjedi
3 Apr 2003, 11:24 AM
Fair enough...