| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Blinded (Lyric) by Dostoyevsky Time slipping down frozen sand grains,
Through a soul thats trapped in chains,
Loosing my self in a drowning pool,
For you im anything, i play the fool,
Locked up hearts in a gilded cage,
Nothing more than writing on a page,
Words to you are lifes little game,
Written for you, they dont mean the same,
Perfect dreams of you like siren songs,
For you i'll leave where my heart belongs,
Lost and alone on a cloudless night,
You are my inspiration, my one, my sight,
Up the ladder:
On Wanting to Know The Truth
Down the ladder:
Back In Time
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Posted: January 27, 2003 11:25 AM PST; Last modified: March 12, 2003 2:20 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.7310586 Overall Rank: 11790 Comments:
[6]
marvelis @ 205.188.208.106
|
12-Mar-03/8:03 PM
|
Reply
started strong but diminished after the first 4 lines. Too many commas, although it was intentional I guessing. But the idea is very good in my opinion.
yay wonderfully good i love it
Did I not say before that "Loosing" should be "Losing"? Not to worry.
I still don't like the 1st 2 lines, they still need something less frequently used. Perhaps: "Thoughts sliding down onto the floor From a mind which reamins so unsure" Keep working on it and it'll get there in the end. Why delete all the previous comments? Keep them to remind you of the progress you make (it also makes people really impressed when you've got loads of comments and they'll look at your poem and leave their own comment). Anyway, I've given you my thoughts on yours, now give me yours on mine ya selfish bastard.
Right, here it is. I've been thinking about this one a bit and whereas there's some good stuff I believe that you should try to inject some beauty into it. The bit that gets me is 'drowning pool'. That has no relevance to the poem. Use a better adjective-one that's more truthful or change the line a bit. What about "Tumbling under this troubled pool". Well maybe not that but you get the idea.
184 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
