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Past (Lyric) by Dostoyevsky An empty cup with no bottom,
In an dusty room, lies her empty soul,
Like a solitary apple thats rotten,
And me the lowly maggot hole,
Finally, slowly the bell tolls the time,
And a peasant sits with his heart in tatters,
Humming, lost to the towers chime,
The infinte illusion shatters,
Random images and thoughts in a fractal pattern,
Emotions revolving like colours in a wheel,
Thinking of my moon, my saturn,
The one that dosn't feel,
She, the empty cup, the room, illusion,
Is real to me, the impetious youth,
That i made her fit my delusion,
I cower from this hidden truth,
Up the ladder:
Osmosis on Parade
Down the ladder:
Waiting to exit
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.1666665
Posted: February 6, 2003 1:44 PM PST; Last modified: February 18, 2003 12:34 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0448236 Overall Rank: 6980 Comments:
[9]
Shardik @ 24.126.113.154
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6-Feb-03/6:09 PM
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Reply
I liked this. I gave you the blue nine a couple of hours ago. cheers.
[n/a]
Dostoyevsky @ 172.182.181.14
> Shardik
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7-Feb-03/1:56 PM
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Reply
thank you
this is unfinished
please explain, i would like to make it better
well, you end it with a comma. and what happens to you when you cower from the hidden truth? and why is it hidden? and who is the peasant? and who is the dreamer? and where does the cup with no bottom lead to? and why has it no bottom? is it always full? no. it is always empty. does her soul suck away at you?
these are some of the questions you leave unanswered. while it is fine to leave things unanswered, you need to give me one solid thing i can hold onto. and you just don't. your thought are scattered here. collect and organize them. and then re-write it. and check your punctuatuion! the flow could be very effective with the right markings in place. does that help at all?
I cnat answer those questions cause the situation in real life is not resolved, but thankyou verym uch for your comment, i think they are really good points and i will take them into consideration, i need ot get closer ot my subject to understnad her more, oh and im the peasant, this is my odd attempt at a love poem, hehhehhe i need help
Pretentious shite. Well, at least I'm honest.
yes but why? i want CONSTRUCTIVe critisism not DESTRUCTIVE critisicm richard. I also want ot learn how to spell but thats another days work
very lovely i like the wording-i did post that poem i showed u by the way
Check line 12, and do you mean fractal or fractual. lol. i'll wait.
heres a grade coz u have none yet- why dont u re do blinded also- it is one of my favorite poems u know!
Very good, Keep it up.
Right, here goes. I really like line 13, it works...although I agree with z that a bit more elaboration would work. You think that my work has too many intricacies, which may well be true-but here I think you could easily afford to offer more description to the reader. Make me see the peasant, make me see the illusion. Get rid of the 'random images and thoughts' because that tells nothing. If you must keep the thoughts, let the reader know what they are and why they are relevant. Definitely keep the line after-it's great.
You must expand and explain the delusion and the truth because they're meaningless as they are. I saw that you want people to take your work at face value which is cool because that lets you go full on crazy with description-but that means you must describe and tell everything that needs to be told in order to make sense of the poem. Okay, that's that for now. I will not vote on this yet because I expect you will want to edit it. At the moment it wouldn't get a very high mark, but I will come back to mark it when you've redone it. Definitely remove the commas. They are unnecessary in this format. PS Why you in a stress with me? 158 view(s)
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