Re: last night was like the last one by hendrimike	24-Feb-06/10:25 AM
I quite liked the rhyming scheme although it would benefit from a little more invention - 'in/in', 'long/along' etc. don't really seem to be pushing your creative boundaries at all.
Re: Spruce Bruce the Barnacle Goose Learns About Moulting by Blue Magpie	25-Feb-06/4:46 AM
Yes, amusing in its own way. Stanza 4 line 2 doesn't make sense - I think you want to change it to something like 'Do you want folk to think you're a dunce?' There are a couple of other typos in here, but I'd be pretty pedantic to go through listing them. Enjoyable.
Re: Harp Song of the Prawne Men by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	25-Feb-06/1:36 PM
Far and away your finest offering for a long while! I myself pray that I never have to choose between life and prawne. And I pray to Jesu that the same applies to you.
Re: Filler by MacFrantic	1-Mar-06/8:56 AM
Cool
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Mar-06/9:05 AM
Lovely, although (unusually for you) the rhythm seems shaky in a couple of places. Stanza 3 line 2 is a syllable short and line 4 is one too long. I'd remove 'her' from line 4 and add something, maybe 'Enchanted, stunned, you gasp...' (that doesn't quite fit the feel of the piece, but you get the picture.) I'm not convinced that stanza 5 does justice to the rest of the poem; it's a little formulaic ('fear', 'darkness', 'sight' etc.) and I'd use simply 'magic' to keep the rhythm. Stanza 7 would work better with 'Slow (as <something>)...' These are all rhythmic suggestions, of course - I think the content of the poem is mostly fabulous! Also, when I read the last stanza I misread it as 'Butterfly wings, butterfly still', which sounds really nice to me. I also loved 'Porcelain doll, dainty face'. This can have a 9 in anticipation of being edited.
Re: isomers by skaskowski	1-Mar-06/9:08 AM
I'd prefer to see stanza 2 keep a constant rhythm with stanza 1. I do like the idea of this, though.
Re: the disadvantages of dropping out by FreeFormFixation	1-Mar-06/9:11 AM
Makes me think of someone else's pet cat dying in your house.
Re: Whalecrack by wlshepherd	1-Mar-06/9:16 AM
Heh, personally I love nonsense poetry. I do, however, prefer nonsense poems to keep a strong sense of timing...also, I'd like to see more imagery than you give here. Gave me the impression of a beggar (slum being patched up with an abandoned piece of plastic, sea-gull egg (coin), tragic injury etc. etc. etc.)
Re: Together They Fell (Prose) by Fayt	1-Mar-06/9:27 AM
Hmm, not bad. I'd cut the 'it was given that nickname due to...' bit; make the reader do a little work. I'd also cut the phone conversation bit (from 'he replied...') You repeat 'huge steel pole', it would be more effective if you could give differing descriptions of it - maybe try and reflect the personalities of the characters in the way they see the pole. Personally I'd take out the last paragraph and replace it with 'Together they fell.' There's a lot more I could say about this, but it's a long piece so it's probably worth editing it a little at a time. Great promise though. I'll give it a 7 for now, mainly because otherwise the comment counter won't work!
Re: beauty by Adriaan	1-Mar-06/9:36 AM
Fireflies-cigarette, fantastic analogy. I really do like your haikus (senryus, whichever is appropriate.)
Re: There by Dovina	1-Mar-06/9:41 AM
When you get there, chill for a while, have a drink, then find somewhere new to go. How else could soap operas have survived for such a tragically long time?
Re: Pine Boxes (revised) by Joe-joe	1-Mar-06/10:36 AM
Loved the first line. Was 'peak' an intentional typo (i.e. the neighbour 'peaking' over the top of the blinds like a mountaintop etc.)?
Re: Simon's Legacy (draft) by Caducus	1-Mar-06/11:22 AM
Emotive, as usual
Re: =, <>, & . . . by Dovina	2-Mar-06/4:28 AM
I thought this was going to be a poem about <~> at first...
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Mar-06/6:59 AM
I love: "the great ice cube mountain/And the family carriage gasped" and "Charm the old gentleman..." No idea about aligning though, I'm afraid.
Re: Under the Spoon by MacFrantic	2-Mar-06/9:22 AM
Good fun, this poem. In keeping with recent trends here, 'Alligator' should be changed to 'masturbator'. Seriously, it would work.
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Mar-06/9:28 AM
I reckon this would work fantastically if a) 'fantastically' is a word, and b) you linked 'Can only see each other/Strangers' with 'It wasn't a journey of love'. I know I have an advantage reading this, but that was sort of on my mind all along.
Re: Together They Fell (Prose) by Fayt	2-Mar-06/11:46 AM
Ah dear, I am trying to write something but can't get even a single line on the page. Therefore I shall return to this as I promised. You might want to put an introductory line before the diary entry; when I read it I thought at first that you were 'being philosophical' by defining the central theme of the story; sometimes that trick works, but it didn't do it for me in this (and then I realised that it was a diary entry). Stylistically, you would do well to think how you're structuring each section. For a long time you create passages which are simple 'She did this, then she did this, then she did this...' with a little descriptive elaboration thrown in. It would read better if you were to change the sentence layout and give more description. For instance, 'The sun was shining as 'X' stood up. He blinked and turned around' is more interesting than ''X' stood up, then he turned round'. This also means that you don't start each sentence with 'she' or 'he'. It's quite tricky to explain what I mean, if you want I can send you an example sometime to better illustrate my point. Throw in some metaphor along the way, too. You don't have to make it directly relevant to the actions of the people - you can merely include extra things, such as something they pass in the street, which has symbolic relevance. Simile is another good technique to get used to. In this story you should liken the bridge to something - don't just tell me what it is, tell me what it looks like, what the traffic sounds like etc. etc. etc. I've already mentioned about the phone conversation; dialogue is tricky to master, particularly telephone dialogue which limits the amount of body language you can talk about. If you do decide to keep this, my suggestion is that you add embellishment to it. For instance rather than saying simply '"xxxxx" "xxxxx" "xxxx"', say '"xxxx," he cried..."xxxxxx," he said, sullenly...he exclaimed "xxxx!"', and so on. You get the picture. I'll wrap it up here for now - with prose it makes more sense to edit a little at a time and note the improvements; not only that but if Internet Exploder screws up and loses this comment I'm going to scream! Anyway, keep going with this. It might sound like I'm suggesting you get rid of half the content, but it's not like that at all, there is plenty here that I'd keep, and more still that I'd keep, but with a little editing. Till next time!
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Mar-06/10:10 AM
Very nicely paced...fast, then slow. I'm not sure about 'hmm...', it makes you sound a little unsure.
Re: At Last in the Garden by ecargo	5-Mar-06/10:14 AM
Stanza 2...awesome. Just awesome. 'Flat rewards that shimmer like false water' is absolutely fantastic! 'Scorpion comfort' is equally as good. Stanza 1 repulsed me. In a good way, that is.