| Re: The life of a clerk by Schlinkey |
8-Dec-06/5:10 AM |
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I like the idea, but it's overdone in a few places; toning down the language here and there would work well for me. Also, you keep a strict pentameter as far as I can see, but the metre's messy - it's mostly where the 'big words' come in, but you can also get away with varying the syllable count now and then to play with the metre.
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| Re: Prayer by amanda_dcosta |
8-Dec-06/5:14 AM |
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I'm tempted to suggest adding rhymes to this - it needs to move a little more easily.
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| Re: Particle Deceleration by MacFrantic |
8-Dec-06/5:15 AM |
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Well, I think this is marvellous to read but if you want me to find any meanings below the surface it'll have to wait awhile.
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| Re: Cloche. by howl |
10-Dec-06/10:28 AM |
This is very good indeed. A couple too many instances of 'the' for my taste.
A subway, a tram and a policeman with a torch? Where are you?
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| Re: The blankness of his life by Nicholas Jones |
10-Dec-06/10:29 AM |
This simply has to be favourited.
Don't think you need the 'what?' at the start of line three. Other than that, wonderful. Can you please write something happy though?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
10-Dec-06/10:33 AM |
Nice - as Nicholas says, it's a bit awkward. I think it would work well with some loose rhyming. I hate rewriting other peoples' work, but this is something like what I mean;
Four A.M. and I am awake, reading Dunn
sipping cold coffee and needing a
cold corn muffin, like it were the last one
of a condemned man
I know that changes the scene a little, but it's more the sound that I like there.
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| Re: Self Portrait by Dovina |
10-Dec-06/10:34 AM |
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| Re: Ode to the Bun by Stephen Robins |
10-Dec-06/10:38 AM |
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How can your face be like a fat isoceles triangle? Is it trying to imitate Fraser's legs?
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| Re: From pains inside by Prince of Void |
10-Dec-06/10:40 AM |
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| Re: Happy birthday to myself by Prince of Void |
2-Jan-07/1:17 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jan-07/1:25 AM |
Dovina's got a point about the vagueness, I'm afraid. Slender moments failing? How do moments fail? Mortality's dust falling is quite a good idea in a post-apocalyptic way. You could turn this into a pseudo-biblical style piece to accommodate the language (epoch, eon, halcyon etc.) as it seems a little OTT as it is.
As an aside, Redhill isn't a million miles from my home, although I can't remember having ever been there.
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| Re: Russian absinthe by AlexandraLeaving |
2-Jan-07/1:26 AM |
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I quite like this and I don't know why.
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| Re: Fanatic by Dovina |
2-Jan-07/1:31 AM |
Love the last stanza and like the idea within 'greenly', although I hate the word itself. 'Factuality' really doesn't sit well as a line end, 'fact' would do just as well for me.
Too many uses of 'he'; maybe you're trying to show his idealistic egocentrism, but it sits awkwardly with me. Still effective though.
Happy New Year :-)
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jan-07/1:33 AM |
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This is good. I like the stop-start beat but it could be altered here and there.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jan-07/1:34 AM |
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| Re: Same old rancour (a yellow stream of consciousness) by ecargo |
16-Jan-07/1:52 PM |
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Hey there ecargo, I wasn't going to sign back to poemeranker but I saw you about and thought I'd say the hellos. Long time no speak, how's the kayaking?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
16-Jan-07/2:04 PM |
Ninety percent of the lines are beautiful, but they seem like just that; a collection of nice lines. The picture is vivid, and I think it's beginning to do what you want it to do, but it needs more substance. I'd change the last line as well - it didn't work for me.
How's life treating you these days?
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| Re: Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina |
16-Jan-07/2:17 PM |
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I quite liked some of it but then as Stephen will tell you, I'm incapable of disliking anything, and as rockmage will tell you I have no talent, so it's a pretty pointless compliment.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
16-Jan-07/2:31 PM |
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Hell yes. This is damn good. Line 14 I think you can do without 'the' (trips the rhythm as it is), the rest rocks my world :-D
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| Re: Give it up Max by Stephen Robins |
18-Jan-07/8:51 AM |
Top closing stanza.
I have a David Gower-based poem in production for you.
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