Re: a comment on Bein' Vegan by poetandknowit	4-Oct-02/9:23 PM
Funniest idea ever. Of course, whether we eat honey or not, the Tyrannical Dictator Queen Bee is going to oppress the workers, so we might as well indulge.
Re: Bein' Vegan by poetandknowit	4-Oct-02/9:21 PM
bumbled bees - I read "humbled bees" at first (it's late) and it worked just as well. Oh, we do torture those bees for that sweet, sticky taste of heaven...
Re: Eight by amateurR	4-Oct-02/9:03 PM
I read this one, hated it, read it again and had to raise my score. The imagery is good. It's eery. The last line seems anticlimactic, though. If you built up to it the way you built the rest of the poem from the sam at the beginning, it may gain that punch that is missing. I think the characterisation is fine; anything more would almost be too intimate. It is, indeed, very cold.
Re: Truths by Nicholas Jones	4-Oct-02/8:46 PM
The essence of the poem is good, but the expression could use some work.
Re: Instructions to a Sculptor by Christof	4-Oct-02/8:42 PM
Fabulous extended metaphor. This one made me stop and think. I can't find a weak spot in it. The rhythm is good and the slant rhyme (chisel/skull) contrasting with the true rhyme (four/score) mirrors the poem itself: made perfect with the addition of the flaw. (I know this is really convoluted, but this is what my mind made up)
Re: Work by poetandknowit	4-Oct-02/8:36 PM
I keep getting stuck on the "and, and, and." Is this deliberate? The rhythm is very forced. Still, I love it after "Against her the hollow resonation..." It seems to find the flow here that it was lacking in the first part. The cadence of it all brings to my mind the image of a train roaring through the night, rattling on its tracks ("hollow resonation", "rhythmic dance", "swayed easy", "skipping", and, of course, "the last whistle." Those last two lines are beautiful, pure art. I could give you a 20 for them.
Re: Paysage Moralise by vulcan	29-Sep-02/10:16 AM
You mean French?
Re: God's Rod (toilet drink poem) by horus8	2-Sep-02/10:35 PM
Hee. Melikes.
Re: My Torcher Chamber by angel born in hell	2-Sep-02/10:32 PM
One who spells as badly as you should not even be permitted to attempt to write poetry. This is one of the biggest pieces of shit I have ever read. How old are you? 12? This is a shining example of emotional immaturity. Grow up. Cheer up. Can the angst. Lose that bad dye job. Buy clothes that are some colour other than black. Smell a flower. Pet a kitten. For crying out loud...
Re: Black Heart by brazen	1-Sep-02/8:23 PM
The difference between a poet, and some jackass with a pen is that to a poet, poetry is an art. The poet works at his/her words, trying to find the perfect combination to create the impression of spontenaiety, to create the perfect image. You don't believe in revision? Obviously, you are just some jackass with a pen. This poem is trite and boring.
Re: saving myself for marriage by Venus	30-Aug-02/10:24 PM
uh... hmm... right.
Re: would i be considered crazy by silvertongueddevil	30-Aug-02/10:19 PM
This is a delicious, intense metaphor. I feel, however, that it is not very well crafted. I couldn't hold on to the images in my head because of the way they run into one another. Think about how you would read this poem to the subject, and punctuate for maximum effect. I feel like I say this again and again to people, "Read your work aloud," but poetry really is an art of sound and it needs to be spoken or sung.
Re: Mind Set Adrift by RaychelW	30-Aug-02/9:46 PM
Cutting a sentence into lines does not a poem make. You should say this poem of yours out loud a few times, and find the natural divisions of the words. Listen carefully. Think about where you want to shock the reader with an unexpected linebreak. Buried treasures/full of pleasures would make an elegant internal rhyme if you were to bring those lines together.
Re: Ambiguous Love Poem For A Girl I Once Knew by poetandknowit	19-Aug-02/7:40 PM
I am rather partial to the second stanza of this piece. The varying rhytms are really what makes the poem. The third stanza is a little weak and a little cliche, but it wouldn't take much work to polish it up. I really, really like the flow of the first stanza. And I'm sorry I haven't got a more useful comment for you, but I'm a little distracted today.
Re: Walls by razorgrin	13-Aug-02/12:17 PM
Amen on your last point there, poetandknowit, m'dear.
Re: Walls by razorgrin	13-Aug-02/12:07 PM
Psst... Hey razorbabe!
Re: Walls by razorgrin	13-Aug-02/12:06 PM
I say this because although some of your images have potential, they are lost in the writing. You have the inspiration, but you have yet to master the craft. Not that I think a college writing course could turn most people into good writers, but as a poet and a critic of poetry, a solid basis in form and theory certainly does no harm.
Re: I know. But I like it. by Shin-Bojangles	13-Aug-02/11:56 AM
For the moment, this rocks my world.
Re: Day of Reckoning by Lenore	13-Aug-02/11:53 AM
Horus8: I vote 10 on that comment. Applause!
Re: Walls by razorgrin	13-Aug-02/11:51 AM
Again, poetandknowit, I find it hard to believe that you have ever sat through a college writing class...