| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Ambiguous Love Poem For A Girl I Once Knew (Free verse) by poetandknowit I could write you a love poem.
It might make everything easier.
You could recite the thing driving
from my house to your house to his house,
practice the packed punches of iambic meter
and rhyme, finally grasp the subtlety of tone,
comprehend that flow means nothing to
the edifice and foundation of a well
fabricated compound sentence.
I could castigate the busy morning sun and
make your double bed the equidistant of creation.
It might loosen your thoughts while you lie
naked next to him as he moves to make you forget
our night walks through miles of snow packed
city streets wrapped in endless laughter.
Gives every swollen inch of himself to make you
remember I bounced the check book--
the vodka clinging to my breath,
the taste of another woman against my lips, the
fifteen pills swallowed each day so I wouldn't
knock the lamps over
or kick the dog
or eat fast food
or sleep with
my back to you.
I could write an epic
casting your lover as Hades or a monstrous
sea urchin with a thousand throbbing tentacles,
and you as some perfect Bacchanal goddess
over an elfin fairy world.
But I am a man of simple words like
gin and bourbon and wine
and women no longer have shape since
I've started drinking again to
calm the shakes,
and kill your goddamn smile,
and my wallet is only half full or half empty and
I still misplace my glasses but can
always find my car keys, but
the grocery store seems lonely now.
I could write you a poem to make things right
but I am not a poet, and
the next time you drive by my house
I will not be home.
Up the ladder:
Deja Blue
Down the ladder:
A moment, homeward
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.178571
Posted: August 19, 2002 6:37 PM PDT; Last modified: August 19, 2002 6:37 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.178571 Overall Rank: 1017 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[6]
Tarquin De La Bog @ 213.1.45.14
|
19-Aug-02/6:51 PM
|
Reply
As much as I'm loathe to say it, this isn't bad. 6. It's evident that you're trying to be a smart-arse, but you pull it off. Nobody likes a smart-arse though, so just remember that when you're next out and about and telling everyone how good you are. Smart-Arse.
But I am good. And I'm cute on top it.
and egotistical that's lovely
why, p&k! you surprise me! i will read this one again. i liked it very much after a first glance. nice job. your other stuff seems shallow, paired with this pithy (and maybe a little self-pitying, which is understandable) piece.
And just to show exactly how mature you are, you go through each of your critics' poems and put a 0 there, which is funny, because we are after the comments and not the votes. Does that make sense? We like the banter. So putting a 0 there when you didn't even read the fucking poem just shows your ignorance and immaturity. Did you tell your mother on us? Go back into all of our poems and leave a comment regarding the poem. Say something to us. We love the banter. Or at least I do, I cannot speak for the others. And THEN YOU PULL OFF YOUR POEMS!!! IS THAT HOW WE PAY? By Getting Rid Of You!!!!
Thorns is not shallow. Maybe misguided, but not shallow! I have explained away the other stuff to death, so I do not want to waste space. The are tidbits of a longer work that quite frankly is rubbish.
Damn! I like it. Hunny? Is that you? 7/10
p&k--who were you referring to? i most certainly did not give you a 0.
Sorry, she deleted all of her shit before I could post what I wanted to say. I could not waste it so I posted it here. It was to the Shewolf writer of the save the kitty poems.
z..is right this is fucking way..way beyond any of your other stuff..congratulations sir..you now have my respect and ear..not that that fucking matters none..i'll drink to that, in fact at this point in time i'll drink to anything..if i was working at horus8 right now i'd give you one of my odd little awards, but somehow i feel this is above it and below it all.so fuck it..i no longer hate you, then again i might hate you more here's a 10 for your whore!k
h! A 10? methinks the merlot might be gracing you with winegoggles. it's good, but not quite there yet. something is missing to make it a 10. still, after a second read, it holds its head high.
poet, worthy of printing out and sticking on my wall.
I am rather partial to the second stanza of this piece. The varying rhytms are really what makes the poem. The third stanza is a little weak and a little cliche, but it wouldn't take much work to polish it up. I really, really like the flow of the first stanza. And I'm sorry I haven't got a more useful comment for you, but I'm a little distracted today.
the thought of you, evergreen, putting this on your wall is to good to be true, yes do it, do it, cuz the irony is to much, read it again, this time guess who you are.lol!!!!!. p.s. your fucking pathos is incredible in 5 to ten years you will be the woman in this poem..you are too fucking much..yes..hang it..hang it next to your mothers picture of jesu...ha!lol all the way to huntsville..ha!
stanzas, iambic peters, line34, line35, what the fuck are you people talking about....this is a beautiful honest tragedy with the makings of the trojan war, and your like wow!"i like the second stanza" un fucking real. you wretchless lasses hold this close to your "structured" love of poetry, but in the end this is a winner, because of it's rotten stench of honesty and love torn madness, jesus christ you fucking broads are to much the irony is totally fucking killing me...it's like a bunch of fucking nazi's trying to tape back together everything they've destroyed whilest they mumble, "hey? why did we rape and burn and shit all over this again, oh yeah because we loved it that much" un fucking believable i'm goinna give it another ten just because it says the exact reverse of what you dripping cunts think...oh and what happened to mr. bogs figures that indecipherable cursived tampon string would retreat. once again p&k. i'm barely humbled, and yes you are a poet, writer whatever artist, aware man of mischief 10/10
I was determined to be annoyed by your stuff as you keep telling em to edit my work in an irritating high-handed manner but... bugger it, I think this is really great. Your self-denying but defiant last stanza breaks the heart.
I enjoyed this immensely-9/10
As lovely as it is saucy... it's a cool 8 and some change, atleast in my opinion, Da1
One of the best things I've read here for some time. Frankly i like something with a bit of edge. This is up there with the other bloke ;) (but edgier). Love the way the title suggests the poem is ambiguous, yet for me it has just the right balance between ambiguity and plain narrative. Too much obscure imagary around here for me lately. This cuts through some of the wool like a knife.10 (and i'm fussy).
What a sad and beautiful sap. Drunken Romantics, I used to collect them. Your poem makes me lonely for my derelict sock monkey. I admire the way you make him fall apart, right before our very eyes. Be careful Mr., your tender heart is showing.
I think this is great, simple words like gin and bourbon and wine, now where have I heard that kind of thing before- Mr Babitt
no man who sleeps with his back to his lover can be in the top 15 list. unless, of course, he's gay. it's an unwritten law. you are false, sirrah.
yeehaw =)
This is what I wanted to hear, feel and see tonight.
it's nice! the thought is honest and clear.
Write me one of these.
Ambiguous Love Poem for a Girl I Never Knew.
Why would you want to severely criticise the sun, the giver of life ? You also use a lot of " ands" are you ralted to babitt-he uses them a lot to-dead language pilgrim-get a live. I liked the ending it made me laugh, you may have potential, get over yourself first, you are in denial. 7/10
They're the same person, Strider. For someone so wondrously critical, you apparently have some problems with basic writing. Pity.
Thanks. I am glad I have at least some potential. Mum and pop think so. The sun thing is a play on John Donne's "The Sun Rising". It is an allegory. Does that make sense? Poets use that sort of thing sometimes, you know, to give the poem a little something more. And I suppose I use "and" as a stylistic choice. It is definitely a comtemporary American sort of thing. I use it much the same way you use too many commas, except for different reasons. I want to keep things moving. You automatically have the line break pause; well at times, I want to run right through it. Like a red light. Take the challenge see if something its me.
life-typo
this is beautiful
i like the penultimate stanza!
I'm bored. that's seconds I can't ever get back.
Thankyou for this. It's a bleak day up here and I have not yet been able to shake off the feeling of complete inaction that i woke up with. You have moved me and i now feel inspired to go and write one of me own as i haven't posted anything for a while. Keep up the good work. (I haven't voted because i don't understand the way they work out the average. eg. 3 votes of 10 will give an average of say...5.7, when correct me if i'm wrong but should it not be 10? And anyway, i don't really think that you can "rank" a poem. It is understood personally to every reader
You obviously are not a poet. Wrapped in endless laughter.
I'm not? Bummer. I am glad you pointed that one out to me.
I have a really nasty feeling that this poem could well apply to me in thirty years' time. It's incredibly beautiful, but not what I need at this time.
Great stuff. I really enjoyed it.
lo and behold, yet again, by confessing children, but the same time not really confessing you achieve the unachievable. 24 tens, from a place where apparently the confessional works by not actually working. hooray. i'm impressed.
Fair doos
one of the ten best poems on this site. hands down. if not, than the best in the subject it deals upon.
Do you still think this?
Of course not, but I've grown up since then.
lol i think i like the comments more than the poem
260 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
