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Deja Blue (Free verse) by RosiePosie
swatting flies lazy summer heat I was fifteen nothing to do watching the weeds blister sat on the trampoline out back, black searing heat beneath me boredom pounding freedom knocking you strolled by impossible grace for such heat with your baseball cap and sandy hair brought the beach to me showed me how the waves crash unavengeful now I sit here think of the beach see you blowing in the wind somewhere know I?m not the same

Up the ladder: Quatrain

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 02
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.179487
Weighted score: 6.179434
Overall Rank: 1016
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:13 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:13 AM PST
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Comments:
[3]... anonymous @ | 12-Jun-01/3:56 PM | Reply
pretty. I think it could use more flow in the lines -- it's too stocatto for my taste.
[3]... anonymous @ | 19-Jun-01/1:44 AM | Reply
has a very personal feel -- the mention of the trampoline I think. Ditch "boredom poundnig/freedom knocking". Beach image doesn't link to the trampoline image. Beach/sex, fine. But too odd following trampoline. Also, beach/sex is kind of a tired metaphor, except for "the waves crash/unavengeful". Not sure if I like that or not. Would have to see the rewrite.
[3]... anonymous @ | 4-Apr-02/1:33 PM | Reply
clean voice, nice. nostalgic.
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