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Eight (Free verse) by amateurR He took me there
There.
Where-
Good quality cardboard
Hides
Bad stuff.
A blow pop?
Some candy, maybe?
Oh, I know you like it.
Orange is your favorite.
Come on now
Seven-year olds-
Can do better than that
You're eight.
Big is bad
Small is good
Big in small-
Is even better.
He took me there.
Up the ladder:
Bitch!
Down the ladder:
It could be a vase....
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.4166665
Posted: September 17, 2002 9:32 PM PDT; Last modified: September 17, 2002 9:32 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.5735493 Overall Rank: 12596 Comments:
[4]
god'swife @ 209.178.176.197
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19-Sep-02/4:26 PM
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Reply
This lacks compassion. It's scary which is good but you need to develop your characters more. Read 'No Angel Came"
I read this one, hated it, read it again and had to raise my score. The imagery is good. It's eery. The last line seems anticlimactic, though. If you built up to it the way you built the rest of the poem from the sam at the beginning, it may gain that punch that is missing. I think the characterisation is fine; anything more would almost be too intimate. It is, indeed, very cold.
good work, you get a/.d d a a 8 no 9 no 10 no 9. NO u8! 9! OKAY 9!a
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