| Re: From the Ashes of Descartes by Quarton |
10-Jan-03/1:03 PM |
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This is really good. I agree with Vulcan re: the third stanza--it really is the best--the images are great. Could you somehow sustain the imagery throughout? S2--"crumbling foundation" really is a cliche--might want to work something else in there.
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| Re: Curse fait by Freethinker1602 |
10-Jan-03/12:35 PM |
You sure I'm a baffoon? Not a bassoon or a buffoon? A buffet maybe? No--a bouquet!
Sorry to disillusion you JoyfulySlotterdKitty, but I gave you a two because your poem was juvenile, trite, and completely uninteresting both in content and execution. Nowhere did I "jest at your longing"--I did poke fun at a couple of the comments on it, but so? Get over it.
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| Re: a comment on Epistemology (2nd draft) by Ranger |
10-Jan-03/10:14 AM |
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Why can't it end with a verb? "The dog ran." Grammatically correct and complete, isn't it? "The shoehorn--the parson's nose the pirate procured lubricated--glistened" would work if the shoehorn is indeed the parson's nose and if the one that the pirate procured is lubricated. Otherwise? Not so much.
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| Re: Curse fait by Freethinker1602 |
10-Jan-03/10:00 AM |
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omg awww dat was so good i love it mami i can so rel8 2 wat u feel
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| Re: a comment on ice dreams by w~* ATHENA *~w |
10-Jan-03/9:51 AM |
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| Re: a comment on I Retry My Resolve by Nicholas Jones |
4-Jan-03/6:11 PM |
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Absolutely. That's why I had "a moment" in my first comment. But I think there should still be some sort of context, even in poems that are "snapshots" and "feelings". Your resolve about what? Why'd you fail the first time? See what I mean? It could be done subtly. I'm just sayin'.
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| Re: I Retry My Resolve by Nicholas Jones |
3-Jan-03/8:51 PM |
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Abort, retry, fail? "Therefore I shall distrusted" doesn't make sense. Typo in last line. But that's minor stuff--overall, this just doesn't do enough or show enough. What's the story, the moment, the message?
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| Re: a comment on Just clubbing fur seals by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
3-Jan-03/8:00 AM |
Because he could? Sheer contrariness? The most famous example of a villanelle is Dylan Thomas's _Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night_: http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?prmID=1159. The two repeating lines have to be very strong for the form to be effective.
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| Re: The dance by purplestain |
3-Jan-03/7:39 AM |
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| Re: suicide weather and dreary imaginings do no good by xanthippe |
28-Dec-02/12:38 PM |
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You have some good stuff buried in here, but it's going to topple from the weight of all the extra words. Careful, too, of the contradictions--if the sun shows no sign of returning, why does it appear in S2? Lose some of the deadweight--concrete offers no shade/drought-dead trees bring no relief/ the stars have not been seen in years/coastline utopias (no asses)/complacent minds wobble and faith can't stop the change, etc. Work with the good stuff--but WORK with it. Good luck. This could be quite good.
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| Re: what I saw at work today by Bill Z Bub |
28-Dec-02/12:18 PM |
Good work, Mr. Bub. Deserves a better title.
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| Re: Deep Inner Pain by razorgrin |
26-Dec-02/5:37 PM |
Hee--yum! Juicy.
I want more night-gaunts.
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| Re: a comment on Little Johnie's Jihad by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
26-Dec-02/1:10 PM |
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I did not cook, but my brother did--baked ziti because he's considerate and a killer cook, and he even made me my own gravy without meat and sent me home with leftovers and a bottle of homemade wine--he's a good brother. Lots of hearty red wine and macaroni--yum. Tons of snow, but it was great; we haven't had a white Christmas in years and it was blizzardy and wonderful, a real barnstorming New England holidolly. Skidded and slipped up the road to hang out with friends and watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail--the SO was with his kid in PA, but it was otherwise a great, mellow holiday. Hope yours was too! bleesies to you to, Baba Yaga, and by the way, here's a belated 9 for your jihad jubilee. Hee.
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| Re: a comment on Brackish by <~> |
26-Dec-02/12:59 PM |
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Talismans--I love talismans. Longer doesn't mean not tighter here--I like the added lines a lot, the playing with sounds, the internal near-rhymes. Regarding lacy crunchings--the image works, and that's the main thing; you're right to keep it. The last line still doesn't seem quite there, but I'm not sure why--that's not especially helpful I know, but there you have it. Nonetheless, this is excellent.
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| Re: Things by Quarton |
26-Dec-02/9:02 AM |
Bravo--good for you, Quarton! I like that you didn't make of this an abstraction--it's almost as graphic as it should be. Of course some will classify you as one of the "nuts on the fringe" for it, because that, after all, is the standard unthinking response to anything morally inconvenient. Take an ethical stance on anything, especially here in A-Murka where everything's a commodity, and you must be some kind of whack-job ('Oh, but the bibble gave man dominion over the animals, so who are you to say we shouldn't bludgeon, shock, bleed, slice, torture, slit, and anyway, I don't want to think about it . . .")
Gandhi was right--"You can judge a society by the way it treats its animals."
Fix your typos.
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| Re: a comment on Little Johnie's Jihad by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
26-Dec-02/8:28 AM |
Hee--yes, that's one of my favorites too; it is tacked on the wall right in front of me along with some other gems like:
"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses,"
""If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be townhall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country."
OH, so many (and these are pre-selection ones; hardly grazed the iceberg).
Oh, that Wacky Bush & Dick. Little Georgie's got a jihad. Making the pie higher for everyone.
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| Re: Brackish by <~> |
26-Dec-02/8:01 AM |
I looked at this last night quickly (but won't score or comment when sauced and saucy) and it seemed cleaner. Did you repost?
S1: If you see, aren't you taking notice? (Do you really have yews? Not a tree I see a lot.) Is it really a slither you hear? Not a scurry or a scamper or something less "slitherous"? That's such a reptilian word, not one of furry beasts on cold, dry nights.
S3--what is the suffering unseen in daylight? I don't think a crunch can be lacy, though the dirt can be. Love honeycombed.
S4: s/b "bouquet." Like the oatgrass. Don't think "ethereally" works--actually, I'd drop the line and leave the stalks standing unaugmented. Also, "another night" seems to cry for a "but not this night." Dancing in the drought--meh.
Blue-lit labyrinths draws me in, but I don't think it needs the center so explicitly. Pare, prune, tighten.
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| Re: a comment on The Coming Light by poetandknowit |
24-Dec-02/2:50 PM |
This is quite good. By far not your best, to toss your words back at you with good humor, but still clean and beautiful in its way. Your strength, I think, lies in your ability to strip images down; to discard the clutter. It probably helps that, having to live with, in, winter, I relate to this on a visceral level (although I don't necessarily see winter as something to be endured--countless shades of gray have their own beauty, especially in stony, stark, wintry New England).
The "state of American poetry"? Hmmm. What would that be, other than utter decline? Can the Internet and its accompanying "pimple poetry," as you like to call it, save the art form? Maybe! Have you read Dana Gioia's "Can Poetry Matter?" resurrected since his ascension? Interesting, if nothing new and perhaps more depressing than not. No doubt you have, but to be found here: http://www.theatlantic.com/unbound/poetry/gioia/gioia.htm.
Fa la la la la.
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| Re: March by <~> |
19-Dec-02/10:10 AM |
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| Re: before I forget by moonUnit |
19-Dec-02/9:59 AM |
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"glorious red umbrella"--nice. I like this a lot--you've managed to be wistful without falling into sticky sentimentality.
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