| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
I Retry My Resolve (Free verse) by Nicholas Jones I retried my resolve
By the broken down train -
And I could only
Shout to the tracks
That I am reviled
And myself
Is divided to the roots.
I retried my resolve
In streets that are not mine
I retried my resolve
And found it sabotaged.
Therefore I shall distrusted
And myself
Divided to the dogs.
I retry my resolve
And find I have none,
The routes shall not
Be used again
And I am divded against all else.
Up the ladder:
Wrong
Down the ladder:
She asked for it.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: January 3, 2003 3:37 PM PST; Last modified: January 3, 2003 3:37 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7653 Comments:
[9]
INTRANSIT @ 64.12.96.46
|
3-Jan-03/3:53 PM
|
Reply
Is there a way to lose (1) "resolve line. preferably S-2 L-3. Other than that I wouldn't touch it.
[n/a]
Nicholas Jones @ 62.7.11.72
> INTRANSIT
|
3-Jan-03/4:29 PM
|
Reply
I like the repetition, but I can see it might be a bit much. I think there's a lot that needs changing.....it's something I wrote years ago that came into my head today, and this is all I remember.
dogs -> dongs, and give it more of a punch at the end. Trust me I'm an expert.??
Abort, retry, fail? "Therefore I shall distrusted" doesn't make sense. Typo in last line. But that's minor stuff--overall, this just doesn't do enough or show enough. What's the story, the moment, the message?
Should be I shall be distrusted. It's a shapshot, a moment in time. Why should there be a message or a story? It can just be a feeling.
Absolutely. That's why I had "a moment" in my first comment. But I think there should still be some sort of context, even in poems that are "snapshots" and "feelings". Your resolve about what? Why'd you fail the first time? See what I mean? It could be done subtly. I'm just sayin'.
177 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
