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The dance (Free verse) by purplestain Did you have any idea,
How happy I was
when you asked for a dance?
My spirits were soaring,
And it only took
your two strong arms
to bring me back,
Your warm embrace
melted my cold icy guard,
The world just passed me by,
As I look into your eyes,
And you drew me closer,
The moment was just like a dream,
A dance I will never forget.
Up the ladder:
Ode to the unwanted chip
Down the ladder:
Is it just a word
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.75
Posted: January 3, 2003 12:36 AM PST; Last modified: January 3, 2003 12:36 AM PSTWeighted score: 4.9327645 Overall Rank: 9132 Comments:
[6]
wOrnella Mutiw @ 198.81.26.167
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3-Jan-03/12:39 AM
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Reply
last line...and then the song was over.
yes, i remember..this just popped up in front of me, suprised the hell out of me, is this you ang?
sorry, i thought you were a girl i new from butterfield, minn. if you can believe that....strong poem, simple, and see how well it worked! a universal theme and feel to it, i wouldn't be suprised if more people responded to this the way i did. have an eight.
Show me the dance, don't just tell me about it. Lose the soaring spirits and dreamy dream dreaming. See how Roethke does it? http://gawow.com/roethke/poems/43.html
wow, this is by far the most overwhelming response i've ever received for posting a poem. i actually got a rating of 10! that really caught me by surprise. thank you for all your comments, i appreciate it. and by the way, i don't think i know anyone of you here as i'm from malaysia, and if you're wondering where is that, it's somewhere in south east asia
Hi purplestain....
This has definite potential but needs some work IMO. One example: (line 9) "Melted my cold icy quard..." Delete "cold"....The reader knows it is cold because it is icy. Redundancy is a tough one, for who knows when it becomes, as an example, merely more descriptive... and meriting inclusion. Brevity is a good thought and certainly has merit though I don't mean length but rather, an economy of words that is pertinent to the poem's intention or meaning, whether only 14 lines as is yours or 140. Basically, cut away the fat whenever feasible. Hope you don't mind my crit and pleassse, don't read any more of my poems. Everything I mention to be avoided... I still do only less often than I used to:) Really a feel good poem, the type I should write more often though I doubt I could make one of mime as warm and romantic as yours.
thank you for your word of advice. i will definitely take it into account in my next attempt at writing.
but why would you not want me to read any more of your poems?
Actually, I would be happy if you did read more of mine. In posting on this forum, we all wish for more readers. I was
kind of kidding as I still do the opposite of what I said a poet should not do. But, not as often as I used to:) 152 view(s)
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