Poemranker [Replying] Sat May 18 23:38:53 PDT 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Did you have any idea, How happy I was when you asked for a dance? My spirits were soaring, And it only took your two strong arms to bring me back, Your warm embrace melted my cold icy guard, The world just passed me by, As I look into your eyes, And you drew me closer, The moment was just like a dream, A dance I will never forget.

Quarton

9-Jan-03/4:32 PM

Hi purplestain....
This has definite potential but needs some
work IMO. One example: (line 9)

"Melted my cold icy quard..."

Delete "cold"....The reader knows it is cold
because it is icy. Redundancy is a tough one,
for who knows when it becomes, as an example,
merely more descriptive... and meriting inclusion.

Brevity is a good thought and certainly has
merit though I don't mean length but rather,
an economy of words that is pertinent to the
poem's intention or meaning, whether only 14
lines as is yours or 140. Basically, cut away
the fat whenever feasible.

Hope you don't mind my crit and pleassse, don't
read any more of my poems. Everything I mention
to be avoided... I still do only less often than
I used to:) Really a feel good poem, the type I
should write more often though I doubt I could make
one of mime as warm and romantic as yours.

Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry

An internet tradition since June 9, 2001