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20 most recent comments by ecargo (281-300)

Re: Curse fait by Freethinker1602 10-Jan-03/12:35 PM
You sure I'm a baffoon? Not a bassoon or a buffoon? A buffet maybe? No--a bouquet!

Sorry to disillusion you JoyfulySlotterdKitty, but I gave you a two because your poem was juvenile, trite, and completely uninteresting both in content and execution. Nowhere did I "jest at your longing"--I did poke fun at a couple of the comments on it, but so? Get over it.
Re: From the Ashes of Descartes by Quarton 10-Jan-03/1:03 PM
This is really good. I agree with Vulcan re: the third stanza--it really is the best--the images are great. Could you somehow sustain the imagery throughout? S2--"crumbling foundation" really is a cliche--might want to work something else in there.
regarding some deleted poem... 10-Jan-03/1:11 PM
Wow! Your work often reminds me of Sylvia Plath--you have similarly startling images and a unique way of putting everything together. I have trouble following you sometimes--this seems more coherent than some of your others. Don't get too locked into your own patterns.
Re: Halves by impert&ent 23-Jul-03/7:41 AM
Some really nice lines and the overall idea is poignant and handled pretty well. I'm not sure who you're talking to in the first stanza--the daughter, I assume? yourself?--or how it ties into the rest--releasing words and "releasing" a child? Needs a clearer connection. I think your ending would be stronger if you lopped off the last line and ended on 'world'. Minor stuff--use what you can. Well done!
Re: Truckin' by INTRANSIT 23-Jul-03/7:49 AM
Clean and sharp. "Three bullracks (?) [exchanging] lines over the two way" is great. Plural kings? Quibble, quibble, nit, pick (hey, it's what I do). I like the haiku-like approach you took here.
Re: Middleman by INTRANSIT 23-Jul-03/7:59 AM
Wow, Intransit! Lots to like here! Love the dirty feet that tell tales of wandering; the fields of sage (connotations of purification) and the hills described as hips--love the yearning and the pained refusal to fall. Why "in triplicate?" Maybe "on my own" instead of "with my own?" Also, modifiers tend to dilute images--consider dropping "gently," "whispered," "ever blueing" (this last I'd replace with something stronger--heck, even plain old "blue" skies would work better here, I think. YMMV. ;) Terrific work.
Re: education by richa 23-Jul-03/8:34 AM
As usual, your images and language are striking and original, but this seems ambiguous to me. I don't get the ending.
regarding some deleted poem... 24-Jul-03/6:59 AM
Swank, z!
Re: Feasting Ouroboros by <~> 24-Jul-03/9:33 AM
So, I've been thinking on this, carrying it around with me and waiting for it to bite. Even with your usual alchemy, z, I think it's too abstruse--you're asking the reader to work to hard to connect title to text. The secret code's too impenetrable; you've hidden the keys.

Some quick thoughts, and some of these are just stylistic differences, I'm sure. The usual YMMVs and Dowhatthouwiltsometeitbe's apply:

What's unwhetted? The mountains? Nice pun, but carries no context.

While the metaphors of sculpting and alchemy have parallels (creating something of beauty and value from a base material), having both weakens both, I think. Is the sculpting metaphor a distraction? Maybe that's it.

What's with the blood and alchemy stanza? I don't know how it fits in (I mean structually/grammatically rather than metaphorically--I think the metaphor works here, particularly in light of the title and its alchemical context). Is the "blood and satisfaction" the niche?

If it's unsmelted, where's the chemistry?

I liked Bangladesh--it conveyed what you've rephrased, somehow, but more subtly. Like the ending a lot--you appropriately come full circle with it.

This version gained weight but missed--what?--balance? A core? I'm not sure. There's great stuff embedded (that word may have been permanently ruined for me--ack), but it needs clarity and focus.

regarding some deleted poem... 30-Jul-03/10:19 PM
Wowzer--truly excellent.
Re: Eight thousand clay tiles by abecedarian 4-Aug-03/4:12 PM
There's a lot to like here, but your strong central image is overwhelmed. The gist of it seems to be (and if you're annoyed by editing, then disregard):

We made eight thousand
clay squares and triangles
glazed black and white
and fired each one,

arranged a tesselation
of perfect dimensions
and proper proportions:

an attempted Metamorphoses,
an insect become a fish.

But a week was not long enough.

I returned to the task
ten years later.
Red paint obscures the image,
but it is still intact.

This weekend I will clean it with a wire brush
and try to find a way
to find you
and let you know that it is safe.

Re: blue lilac and I (edit) by richa 7-Aug-03/6:33 AM
As it is written now, the blue lilac and berry plant (bush? ewww, even typing the word makes me cringe--but I digress) are, syntactically, sitting by the stream, so, yup, needs some work there. Maybe get rid of "hid" for starters, so it's
sitting by the silvered stream of mackeral and pike (lotta fish in that thar stream--btw, it's mackerel, with an e, and I think they're salt water fish)
[and]picking from the still air . . .
. . . fields
the blue lilac and berry (maybe make it a specific type of berry and lose plant altogether?)
[lose "hid?" After all, you can see them, right?] under the trees
could be seen to crane . . .

Something like that? Or not. Not sure I get "put" their life and mine in this context--or, at least, not sure "put" delivers here.

regarding some deleted poem... 7-Aug-03/6:46 AM
Not sure I get how "sexual appetite['s] bulimic" either--it binges and purges? Abstinence and surfeit? Don't see the connection, since you're in the moment. Something other than the cliched "double edged sword"? Also, not sure the religious imagery works in a poem that seems to be striving for sensuality. I like the three last lines.
Re: blue lilac and I (edit) by richa 7-Aug-03/9:56 AM
Nice edit--I like how you pared it down to the essential image. Some nits?

Pike are generally solitary (they're very aggressive) and they tend to hide, waiting for prey, so I don't think you would see a stream "silvered in pike." Maybe another freshwater fish--something that shoals?--would work better here.

The trombone is disconnected from the rest of the poem now, without the band playing nearby [in our view]. Might something other than a trombone work here--something that works within the scene you've rendered?

The devil's in the details! But that's not to take away from what is, at its core, really fine work.
Re: Portsmouth belle 3 by Garrett S Sexton 8-Aug-03/5:43 PM
Ha--Garrett, there's some funny shit here. Might be even more effective if you carried the meter from the first stanza into each stanza--some of the changes would be pretty easy (o flat chested Annie, she'd take anyone's money/and anyone's honey she'd be . . . and always worked best [in] a crowd, etc.), some would take a little more work, but it'd read more like the ballad it seems to want to be. "Her arse was her fanny"--meh.

Liked this.
Re: Dialogism by Nicholas Jones 11-Aug-03/3:13 PM
Good sonnet--love how the rhymes are not obvious because you didn't make the mistake of end-stopping each line. You seem to gain an extra beat in lines 5 and 9 (9 is easily fixed if you make it deep instead of deeper). How come you didn't rhyme the couplet?

Re: Arkansas, I was only there once, backpacking--it's a beautiful state (they call it the Natural State), so if you like hiking, there are some great trails (both for dayhiking and extended treks). Other than that, I'm not sure. I think you'll find that Southerners are generally pretty friendly--that's been my experience, at least.
Re: Molecular Parasitology Nerdcore Rap by Retaliate 13-Aug-03/8:16 AM
fucking hilarious
Re: whilst the bells ring by richa 14-Aug-03/8:00 AM
Richa, this is lovely--very Emily Dickinson in its deceptive simplicity. Stalks spear the sun, maybe, to make it more active? Gallows, with the s, is the singular, btw.

One of my absolute favorites.
Re: drought on talkin river by richa 14-Aug-03/8:00 PM
You have great sounds in this, long and slow, and good unobtrusive alliteration. Z's right, though; this is a river mouth--the meandering, the salt. Great images--really fresh and accessible.
Re: Procession by Fear of Garbage 18-Aug-03/5:28 PM
This is great--amazing lines and flow; really lyrical and creative. Most excellent first line. Burial and ritual and dust and history--you just weave this incredibly. I think it'd be even better if you ended on "engines"--the last line is too "here's my point!" and it's almost generic in contrast to the rest of this. This is terrific.


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