I never have went anywhere, for myself. And soon, since I've been getting offers to be the next Michael Hutchinson, I believe it'll get worse than better.
But for the poem and the moment I will sell it all.
And wake up dead in a hotel.
you and i, and the devil inside.
watch for it to get better, much better, both the poem (rough draft) and the adulation. you know the screams will come. who'se to be the lucky band, and when? watch yourself--
you don't need the rope, you need the oxygen. whoever thought they would tie you?
pink bunny. you are maybe studying accounting? thanks for the complement, but if you don't know what it is, how can you know if it's "nice" or "interesting" or one of those other face-value words that people save for commenting on things they don't understand, but on't want to look like they're out of the loop on? ha. there's your first clue, col. mustard.
Lack of understanding of your true meaning doesn't Mean that I can't like what you wrote(My interpretation is just more than likely Horribly wrong). Apparently your going to make me look it up. Fine, but I've have you know I'm proffesor plum.
okay, i sit corrected. but it will help you put all kinds of wrong meanings into it, once you understand the concept. thanks for playing along at home, pbd.
Ouroboros is a serpant eating its own tail. A paradox, and a sorta reborn from the ashes, type story. Which really confuses me, as to your choice of that symbol for a title. I admit it. I failed. I have no clue what the hell this poem is about.
you want to look for clues in context, pbd. you want to srretch your understanding, until your brain hurts. or you want to be an accountant. it's really up to you.
Yeah, your right that does hurt, Still not a clear picture, but I see the Tail in Mouth, context this is taking on. I'm sure I still don't get it like you intended but what I originally thought is completely blown out of the water.
A poem that beckons and warns, a talisman charged. A lighthouse bed with thin sheets and emberring fire gone red,
conserving itself for death in the morning after hot tea.
Yes, but the damn commies have me in witness protection, ever since they found miss scarlet, in the study with a piano wire(Which by the way is entirely against the rules), trying to preform a James Bond on me.
Do you know what that bastard did? He stopped off to pick up his laundry, knock back a couple of beers, and grab a bit to eat before he accidently ran into them(I'm serious he totaled my pino). Which of course might not have been so bad if he hadn't forgotten his licence in Living room.
So, I've been thinking on this, carrying it around with me and waiting for it to bite. Even with your usual alchemy, z, I think it's too abstruse--you're asking the reader to work to hard to connect title to text. The secret code's too impenetrable; you've hidden the keys.
Some quick thoughts, and some of these are just stylistic differences, I'm sure. The usual YMMVs and Dowhatthouwiltsometeitbe's apply:
What's unwhetted? The mountains? Nice pun, but carries no context.
While the metaphors of sculpting and alchemy have parallels (creating something of beauty and value from a base material), having both weakens both, I think. Is the sculpting metaphor a distraction? Maybe that's it.
What's with the blood and alchemy stanza? I don't know how it fits in (I mean structually/grammatically rather than metaphorically--I think the metaphor works here, particularly in light of the title and its alchemical context). Is the "blood and satisfaction" the niche?
If it's unsmelted, where's the chemistry?
I liked Bangladesh--it conveyed what you've rephrased, somehow, but more subtly. Like the ending a lot--you appropriately come full circle with it.
This version gained weight but missed--what?--balance? A core? I'm not sure. There's great stuff embedded (that word may have been permanently ruined for me--ack), but it needs clarity and focus.
blood and satisfaction is the niche; there is no consummation, here--the metaphor is a distraction, yes--but i think that Bangladesh gives too much away, although i agree that i spelled it out, and weakened it. shit. i didn't save v2. did you?
29 comments
But for the poem and the moment I will sell it all.
And wake up dead in a hotel.
watch for it to get better, much better, both the poem (rough draft) and the adulation. you know the screams will come. who'se to be the lucky band, and when? watch yourself--
you don't need the rope, you need the oxygen. whoever thought they would tie you?
conserving itself for death in the morning after hot tea.
ha! if you google shen ring, the first hit is, "Now at Wal-Mart: Keepsake Fine Jewelry."
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Some quick thoughts, and some of these are just stylistic differences, I'm sure. The usual YMMVs and Dowhatthouwiltsometeitbe's apply:
What's unwhetted? The mountains? Nice pun, but carries no context.
While the metaphors of sculpting and alchemy have parallels (creating something of beauty and value from a base material), having both weakens both, I think. Is the sculpting metaphor a distraction? Maybe that's it.
What's with the blood and alchemy stanza? I don't know how it fits in (I mean structually/grammatically rather than metaphorically--I think the metaphor works here, particularly in light of the title and its alchemical context). Is the "blood and satisfaction" the niche?
If it's unsmelted, where's the chemistry?
I liked Bangladesh--it conveyed what you've rephrased, somehow, but more subtly. Like the ending a lot--you appropriately come full circle with it.
This version gained weight but missed--what?--balance? A core? I'm not sure. There's great stuff embedded (that word may have been permanently ruined for me--ack), but it needs clarity and focus.
be consumed by my own desires.
Log in to add a comment.