Replying to a comment on:

Feasting Ouroboros (Other) by <~>

removed 5/8/04 due to impending publication. the book is still open for submissions: http://www.sirruspoe.com/mindmutations.html

ecargo 24-Jul-03/9:33 AM
So, I've been thinking on this, carrying it around with me and waiting for it to bite. Even with your usual alchemy, z, I think it's too abstruse--you're asking the reader to work to hard to connect title to text. The secret code's too impenetrable; you've hidden the keys.

Some quick thoughts, and some of these are just stylistic differences, I'm sure. The usual YMMVs and Dowhatthouwiltsometeitbe's apply:

What's unwhetted? The mountains? Nice pun, but carries no context.

While the metaphors of sculpting and alchemy have parallels (creating something of beauty and value from a base material), having both weakens both, I think. Is the sculpting metaphor a distraction? Maybe that's it.

What's with the blood and alchemy stanza? I don't know how it fits in (I mean structually/grammatically rather than metaphorically--I think the metaphor works here, particularly in light of the title and its alchemical context). Is the "blood and satisfaction" the niche?

If it's unsmelted, where's the chemistry?

I liked Bangladesh--it conveyed what you've rephrased, somehow, but more subtly. Like the ending a lot--you appropriately come full circle with it.

This version gained weight but missed--what?--balance? A core? I'm not sure. There's great stuff embedded (that word may have been permanently ruined for me--ack), but it needs clarity and focus.





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