| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Halves (Free verse) by impert&ent Give up some words, petal.
Let them drift casually through your fingers.
Let them go.
On the palm of slight breezes.
Iâve witnessed a few births
But not my own.
Imago mundi
Your face in the sun.
A crown of rays
The flower of creation.
Who knows what a mother feels
As she watches a daughter
Some part of herself
Slipping casually
Into the world
and through her fingers.
Up the ladder:
The Park Bench
Down the ladder:
maternal-infant bonding (rejection)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.5555553
Posted: July 22, 2003 10:28 AM PDT; Last modified: July 22, 2003 10:46 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.2777777 Overall Rank: 900 Comments:
[10]
Free2Rhyme15 @ 209.214.109.116
|
22-Jul-03/1:07 PM
|
Reply
that is very pretty! good work!
beautiful. Nice juxtaposition of the coming and going at the end.
Decent, and powerful.
Some really nice lines and the overall idea is poignant and handled pretty well. I'm not sure who you're talking to in the first stanza--the daughter, I assume? yourself?--or how it ties into the rest--releasing words and "releasing" a child? Needs a clearer connection. I think your ending would be stronger if you lopped off the last line and ended on 'world'. Minor stuff--use what you can. Well done!
i see a little world reflecting in your eyes here.. welling up a desire to see the other halves.
halves severs it. but maybe you meant to?
other than that, no beef from me. 261 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
