regarding some deleted poem...	27-Oct-07/3:15 PM
This needs a little more, or a little less. Perhaps lose the >Remember.
Re: _______ by Dovina	27-Oct-07/3:22 PM
I likes.
Re: Bullfrog Night by Musicman	27-Oct-07/3:34 PM
Ha! I almost didn't like the word > chant. boo on me.
Re: Table for Two Please by Musicman	27-Oct-07/3:41 PM
Sorry. Even broken up, rest of the best, bugs me.
Re: Dark Matter by Musicman	27-Oct-07/3:45 PM
Could you explain the term "movement" to me ? Using this piece as a for instance, if you like.
regarding some deleted poem...	27-Oct-07/3:45 PM
Yes, I like it better.
Re: Nomad's Oasis by Caducus	27-Oct-07/3:52 PM
Play with the line breaks, would be my suggestion. From stanza two: drank from sweat and tears devoured refusal to stop searching for the promised land. no vote. yet.
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Oct-07/8:19 AM
Any one that says metered/lyrical poetry is dead can go to the deep for all I care.
Re: homer simpson by malpaso	2-Nov-07/5:54 AM
I see a lyric. The first two lines being the refrain. Add to it. Really.
Re: Voice of the World by Dovina	2-Nov-07/6:01 AM
My gut says, this is a jump off point for what you really want to say. Sit on it.
Re: Flat by Skamper	4-Nov-07/5:38 AM
Part of me likes the incongruity. The other part doesn't, 'natch. Hmmm. I know cardboard burns hella fast, and burning gasoline and fire in the second-- The more I look at it the more I like it as is. Is the cardboard only there to describe you ?
Re: Why I took my ears off by INTRANSIT	6-Nov-07/6:45 PM
wow. that bad huh?
Re: Behind closed offices by lukehanney	6-Nov-07/6:47 PM
perhaps I should k.i.s.s. my pomes too.
Re: Stroke It! by Skamper	7-Nov-07/6:53 AM
The word -could- gives the bards the option of doing so. "We could sing this. Nah, lets play Jarts." There may be an even better/more active/forceful word than -will or -want to. (not the first line) Give me more details about s-1-3. (Everything) is too broad a specrum, I think. Try to narrow it. Like I said to dovina, It'sa jumping off point.
Re: Fading Love by hobojo	9-Nov-07/6:43 AM
Change line 3/4 to a statement, drop the -how can- Line 5. change items for unusual things Cut line 7 Line 10 try -anger before pain- Cut the buts, and instead of guilt lasting forever make it hang around like a sad dog (cliche) or something else. Punch it up there. HTH.
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Nov-07/5:59 AM
Sorry for your loss, Paul. Let this simmer for a week or two and see what else comes to mind.
Re: INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT	11-Nov-07/8:06 AM
So I dropped the Ibex and some of the punctuation, cut some excess words so I hope it reads better, at least. But what I need to persue is that opening line.
Re: INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT	11-Nov-07/8:11 AM
And line 8 needs more help. Bleh.
Re: INTELLIGENCIA by INTRANSIT	12-Nov-07/5:14 PM
I can't see your comment, Mage. The counter is off.
Re: It's about truckin' by INTRANSIT	12-Nov-07/7:01 PM
Meh. Just edited for better sound.