Re: My No-Good Graces by D. $ Fontera	10-Sep-07/7:17 PM
The end goes cheesy.
Re: Harmony by MacFrantic	10-Sep-07/7:21 PM
I'd drop the first two lines. And both -is- in s-4. Love the sport of spring.
Re: Plug my Phone In by jessicazee	11-Sep-07/6:47 AM
Possible changes : replace -chemistry- it's understood in the previous line. I think you can move -sacred- between ten and morning, and do no harm. the parking ticket is clunky BUT interesting. Odd is good. Can you soften it a little? The plug line bugs me. Too forward, I think. Overall, I really like what you've built.
Re: Plug my Phone In by jessicazee	11-Sep-07/6:53 AM
I also think you're under appreciated around here. I hope you are not relegating yourself to this site only.
Re: The rift by MacFrantic	12-Sep-07/2:13 PM
Starting at line 3: Whiplashed, convulsive, her eyes are a cheap matinee moans fall from her carpet tongue She arches; a rigid turnpike Playing magic on myself ? try tying it back to the polecat or the movie theatre. Still I likes.
Re: He Became William Tristan a 9/11 story by sonawrote	12-Sep-07/2:21 PM
Sorry sona. Rhyming couplets does not a poem make. If you drop half these lines and throw the rhyme out, it would improve. Your choice.
Re: Rooster Rape by Dovina	26-Sep-07/2:20 PM
Did you rape a truck driver, Dovina ? Shame on you. I like this but it's too heavy. I'll get back to it though. first read/8
Re: Rooster Rape by Dovina	29-Sep-07/9:22 AM
Maybe it's not so heavy as clunky. Shiney feathers, eye on intruder, pomp of sound and strut, Keep those. The house /henhouse thing is confusing. Forgot and abandoned are the same,I prefer abandoned. Read mmy gender for my man? Huh? Boldly militant as angels- I prefer over mission. The rest is just too wordy, I think. Keep the Copernicus stuff. I think it gives just the right amount of ambiguity. Not sure you need the last line. I'm a little strained for time, sorry. Next time, when the rooster attacks, use a nine-iron. ;)
Re: Death of a Drug Addict by SupremeDreamer	29-Sep-07/9:24 AM
Rose blossom of a bullet as it opens while travelling ! Awesome. Just awesome.
Re: The daughter of heels by Caducus	1-Oct-07/5:37 PM
Caducus, I think you're looking at a piece of art. But I haven't seen this piece so i can't tell you if you've captured the moment. This may work at another site that works these kind of poems. I'm sorry I can't help.
Re: A Patch of Time by Skamper	1-Oct-07/5:42 PM
Needs only the slightest trimming.
Re: back o' the fridge by nypoet22	1-Oct-07/5:45 PM
More, more !
Re: Alice to Slumber by Skamper	16-Oct-07/2:56 PM
zoiks.
Re: Never Let Go by x0lovelylarnx0	19-Oct-07/1:53 PM
Ok, Larry. I can call you that , right? I think i know what the problem is. It was your training. I'm betting that somewhere in grade school your teachers introduced you to poetry with childrens books and such.Innocent as it may seem (and it was), they failed to continue your education in poetry, leaving you singing "jingle bells" in a world that sings O-Tannenbaum. I think there are an incredible amount of us that had that happen. I know I did. And as such, I'm relatively "tone deaf" to poetry. The good news is, it's fixable. We just need to be reprogrammed so to speak. This isn't going to happen overnight, so be patient with yourself, the media (books), and your teachers, however they may come to you. Or at you, as may be the case occasionally. Let's get started. First, Let's talk about end-rhyme. If you read a poem out loud, ACCORDING TO THE PUNCTUATION, you'll see, or hear rather, that the rhyme almost disappears. Again, your teachers put unnecessary emphasis on the line ends, when they read. Like if every time you read a line and then banged a pot before going on to the next line, eventually you'd think that pot-banging was part of poetry. Now, Lets lighten up with sounds. Look at the ends of lines 1 and 3 in this piece of yours. Serene sunset/ human existence, kind of echo each other a bit. THAT is how I want you to reprogram yourself. No stress. Don't force the rhyme, just listen for it. No need to put it at the end of your lines either. Keep them close to each other, but let them wander a bit. Try free rhyming. This is fun. Watch El Bandolero Tell benny, you lose Kill bunny shoes Fell the low sand The sounds of the words don't have to be in the same order either. As long as there's some replay of sound, you're rhyming. It just takes practice. Forms are another animal altogether. We'll talk later about those. Hope that helps. P.S. One more thing. If you're serious about learning this art, you're going to have to like pain, and, revise revise revise. Later dude.
regarding some deleted poem...	19-Oct-07/2:15 PM
Small things. (to) in line 2 can go. and young dude. wet behind the ears implies that he's young. A little more after vlh maybe?
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Oct-07/1:08 PM
Oh, snap!
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Oct-07/1:11 PM
The mirror hints at not loving onesself, love that. Duress- still fels forced after 3 reads.
Re: On Any Given Day... by Skamper	23-Oct-07/1:15 PM
Gonna chew on this a while.
Re: Her name was Marjorie Harper by Caducus	23-Oct-07/1:25 PM
Polythene and aplologies. But you friggen nailed it!
Re: Parasite by Christof	23-Oct-07/1:27 PM
A fluke. Really? I did not know that.