| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:18 AM |
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Over technical. Becomes bean shaped. I'm sure there's more to work with here. Lose the ass. it's just childish. I like that you chose a tick.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:20 AM |
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Gang members don't do this all the time. Did you fix the second line? Seems not. How do you know they don't like the lashings?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:21 AM |
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Again, invert the first and the third. Or start over entirely.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:23 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:25 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:27 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:28 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:30 AM |
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If this is true, Explain all the college grads in our government. Meh.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:31 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:36 AM |
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Too blatant. Are you writing poetry or ranting. For the artistic rant, See: Pound or Ginsberg.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:44 AM |
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I don't know what to think of the mouse hole.
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| Re: The Buiness Card by abecedarian |
25-Aug-07/6:53 AM |
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| Re: The Dark Poet by Dovina |
27-Aug-07/6:50 AM |
More about the "happy peril in a runaway colt"- please.
I also think it's too straight/technical/cold.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
27-Aug-07/9:23 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Aug-07/5:44 AM |
What has gone bland? Poetry? a relationship ? You refer to "the music", are you speaking literally ?
I like " mosaic grey". But " harder than you realize" has nothing to back it up. Rain thumping? Clicking might be better. The poem is salvageable, it just needs more attention. Good sounds though.
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| Re: Confetti by Caducus |
1-Sep-07/5:41 AM |
Thanks for your patience, C. I'm glad I waited because originally i thought you'd overshot your target. After coming back I see " a little bit of history repeating".
I like this and I think it's all there.
My nits would be: unfurled- bugs me, but I see the rhyme. Could you merge lines 7 and 9?
And -loom. again I see the rhyme but it just sounds awkward to me. Three generations?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Sep-07/7:05 AM |
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Ya know mage, if you added a vein somehow, it would deepen the poem I think.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Sep-07/7:13 AM |
Paul, I really like -white walls of hope and salvation-
There's a little trimming, not much, but some change in the line breaks could help. Would you like me to show you ?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Sep-07/4:29 PM |
Try these cuts. the weight, of bones,
the second -where- and change the third to an -and.
Use the line break as a type of comma, for instance:
Surrounded by apple faced children swinging
lunch pails bent like the aged under heavy backpacks,
So you're still speaking the poem but misdirecting, slightly, each line. Line breaks make for a kind of two-fer for the reader. Not that I have l/bs all worked out, but i've found it's something to play with, if you will.
Remember, You have the final say. Thanks for listening.
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| Re: Eye's Upon Tomorrow's Night by Enkidu |
10-Sep-07/7:15 PM |
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S-2 is where it begins to roll.
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