| Re: scene by Dental Panic |
7-Jul-07/7:33 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
7-Jul-07/7:34 PM |
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Change insulin to sugar, perhaps?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
9-Jul-07/2:06 PM |
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This is very good. What will you practice once you feel confident in this form of poetry?
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| Re: Crotchety Old Geezer by Dovina |
14-Aug-07/8:03 AM |
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That he does. That he does.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Aug-07/8:05 AM |
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Better than the other boss/employee poem.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
17-Aug-07/5:39 AM |
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Honestly, you're not even funny.
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| Re: Sylvania Wilderness by jessicazee |
24-Aug-07/6:35 AM |
YES ! Two small nits. J-flits, and Old spice... oh wait
no, well, shoot. The old spice itself is cliche but it steers me away from boyfriend/girlfriend and into father/daughter, so.... Anyway, it's ace. if you revise it any, please post. I'd like to add it to my faves.
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| Re: Passive Birth Control by http://mulberryfairy |
24-Aug-07/6:39 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-Aug-07/6:43 AM |
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I've been to this poem twice now. I'll give it a third in a few days.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-Aug-07/6:45 AM |
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I think you could lose the comma. I know you can do better.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-Aug-07/6:48 AM |
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Curveball. A little too forward, I think. I like the ingredients
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| Re: The Raw Vegan Potluck by peaceseeker |
24-Aug-07/7:00 AM |
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I get to use my favorite suggestion. Put it in the blender and hit frappe. It comes across a little too list-like. Blend the people with the foods a bit. There's much to work with here. Please revise.
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| Re: Some things marinate, others poison by MacFrantic |
24-Aug-07/7:02 AM |
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chaos is much too good for me? ok then.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-Aug-07/8:22 AM |
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I almost missed this. It's a bit list-like.( I have the same problem) If you go through and cut as many, well, look at the left column of words and then blend the sentences more. Man, theres so much here to work with and I wanna rewrite it to help(I won't). I don't know where to begin. 6. I really want to see a revision.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:06 AM |
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The last line tells us. How about if the park were too quiet, or some intimation of.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:07 AM |
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I'm assuming there's barf involved here. I'd invert lines one and three.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:08 AM |
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way too forward. turn the volume down.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:12 AM |
Again, this tells us. Tone it down, put some camoflage in it. Just a little can work wonders.
Last minute suggestion. Use the coloration of the birds themselves more.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:14 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Aug-07/6:15 AM |
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You could have made the cat your "ruling planet" to spice it up a bit. Try again.
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