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Fading Love (Free verse) by hobojo
How can so few years pass The orchid blooms fade What I loved became What I so much despise So many places, so many toys Distractions buying time Avoidance may prolong But the top must sway Falling into now Anger before pain And new love eases grief But guilt will last forever This I've learned by now

Down the ladder: My Stigmata: "Psychotica"

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.3333335
Weighted score: 5.1589375
Overall Rank: 5107
Posted: November 9, 2007 2:48 AM PST; Last modified: November 18, 2007 2:04 AM PST
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Comments:
[8] INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197 | 9-Nov-07/6:43 AM | Reply
Change line 3/4 to a statement, drop the -how can-

Line 5. change items for unusual things
Cut line 7
Line 10 try -anger before pain-

Cut the buts, and instead of guilt lasting forever
make it hang around like a sad dog (cliche) or something else. Punch it up there.

HTH.
[n/a] hobojo @ 71.198.25.165 > INTRANSIT | 18-Nov-07/2:01 AM | Reply
Thanks
[8] Skamper @ 58.171.133.207 | 19-Nov-07/7:41 PM | Reply
line 4 first stanza - all that I despise - that which I despise...something like that to rid the repitition of 'what I'

just an observation...like this a lot though, the inevitibility of it. :)
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