Replying to a comment on:

Fading Love (Free verse) by hobojo

How can so few years pass The orchid blooms fade What I loved became What I so much despise So many places, so many toys Distractions buying time Avoidance may prolong But the top must sway Falling into now Anger before pain And new love eases grief But guilt will last forever This I've learned by now

INTRANSIT 9-Nov-07/6:43 AM
Change line 3/4 to a statement, drop the -how can-

Line 5. change items for unusual things
Cut line 7
Line 10 try -anger before pain-

Cut the buts, and instead of guilt lasting forever
make it hang around like a sad dog (cliche) or something else. Punch it up there.

HTH.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001