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Nomad's Oasis (Free verse) by Caducus
A man got lost in a desert Yet learned to love its landscape and soon became a nomad. He tried to make a shelter, but sand is a weak foundation. So he burned from the sun froze from the moon, drank from sweat and tears devoured refusal to stop searching for the promised land. He collapsed by an oasis upon a bleached sea of bones’ all laid facing west reaching out from times savage breast hollow eyed and all seeing from hells cataract where heaven is a mirage unreachable as a woman. Water filled the valleys Of his cracked hands, Hope filled his heart Amongst the void. He screamed out a name and a message And the echo spat back just the name. His words had reached her And he said them again before he died ‘I love you’. When he said it she awoke And she whispered: ‘He has found me’ ‘He is not gone’ ‘But all around me’ 'we are one'. When she died she found him On the sands of New Mexico His tears had turned to jewels And they made love on a grave By a headstone which read: ‘There is no dead here’ ‘Just love which lives eternal’.

Down the ladder: Historical Epic

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.4
Weighted score: 5.0476813
Overall Rank: 6888
Posted: May 30, 2005 5:54 AM PDT; Last modified: October 24, 2007 9:00 AM PDT
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Comments:
[6] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 30-May-05/8:17 AM | Reply
I like this and would have loved to see parts of it approached different:

<< where heaven is a mirage
unreachable as a woman >>

'where heaven is a mirage
as unreachable as a woman'

the repeted 'as' is not elegant, but the sentence makes more sense this way. You could also opt for this:

'where heaven is like a woman,
a mirage',



The last stanza:

In wandering through the afterlife
she found him on the sands of New Mexico
His tears had turned to jewels
and jewels turned to tears
when they made love on a grave
in the shade of a headstone which read
'Eternal love
for the dead'








[9] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 | 30-May-05/6:22 PM | Reply
Some good prose, but the theme is too far fetched to compel.

What on earth do you mean by, "heaven is a mirage unreachable as a woman."
[9] Dovina @ 75.82.86.162 > Dovina | 25-Oct-07/8:43 AM | Reply
Either I was a dunce 2-1/2 years ago or you have changed it a lot; I suspect the former. "devoured refusal to stop searching" - it matches the previous line, but can go too many directions. Otherwise good.
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 69.23.157.197 | 27-Oct-07/3:52 PM | Reply
Play with the line breaks, would be my suggestion.

From stanza two:

drank from sweat and tears devoured refusal
to stop searching for the promised land.

no vote. yet.
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