| Re: The Ascent by somemorepoetry |
26-May-07/12:50 PM |
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don't ditch your language use, just add a few more specific details to complete the image.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-May-07/12:53 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-May-07/12:58 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-May-07/7:21 AM |
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| Re: Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew |
28-May-07/7:25 AM |
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the first line is completely unnecessary. the rest needs tightening of language.
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| Re: garden spite by skaskowski |
28-May-07/7:43 AM |
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for awhile i thought this was about new jersey - the garden state... but yes, the first two lines seem unnecessary.
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| Re: Altitude by half.italian |
28-May-07/7:49 AM |
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the last stanza should be split into two lines. i like the ending, but for it to have the impact i think you want, you have to introduce the coil image earlier. 'intricate architecture' could be improved upon to tie the beginning and end together.
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| Re: The Wingman by John Rambo |
28-May-07/7:50 AM |
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does this contain a note of regret?
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| Re: The boomerang holiday by INTRANSIT |
28-May-07/7:53 AM |
as if were?
erstwhile kelp?
some of these choices of phrase need rethinking.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-Jun-07/1:03 AM |
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i kind-of like the internal rhyme and the blunt insight of the last two lines. the first line is grammatically a bit strange.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-Jun-07/1:06 AM |
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first two lines are superb. last breath is a bit cliche. excellent overall effort.
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| Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears |
30-Jun-07/12:10 AM |
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this reads like a Gaelic folk song. Now for the music...
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| Re: Deeper by Skamper |
30-Jun-07/12:10 AM |
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| Re: light [edited] by lmp |
30-Jun-07/12:15 AM |
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i'd like to see something juxtaposing the skin of the grapefruit with the skin of the lover. the conceit seems to want it.
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| Re: courtyard by lmp |
30-Jun-07/12:21 AM |
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the word today is not needed.
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| Re: Consider the Grass by Dovina |
30-Jun-07/12:24 AM |
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there's only so much excitement you can inject into a poem about grass growing, but i applaud the effort. adding the "I" in the last stanza seems not to fit very well.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Aug-07/10:30 PM |
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i love the last two lines. the first is okay but... thumping what? this might benefit from the "show, don't tell" paradigm.
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| Re: Alfredo by Caducus |
18-Aug-07/10:40 PM |
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I'm guessing this is a WWII poem, but that's just a guess. This feels like an incomplete story. As such, it's okay to force your readers to infer some things, but I would like some more sensory detail to give a better clue as to the identities of the participants.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Aug-07/10:47 PM |
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I want some liner notes to this. T.S. Eliot? Beuller?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
7-Nov-07/4:58 PM |
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well-woven rhyme, both endrhyme and internal. line 8 is a little weak, i think you could easily tighten it up. i know what you were going for with the phrase "corporal punishment," but it still seems out of place. by the last stanza i think you've lost some momentum, but overall i like the images.
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