on some deleted poem
28 May 2007, 7:21 AM
flat.
on The Wingman by John Rambo
28 May 2007, 7:50 AM
does this contain a note of regret?
on Close your eyes but keep your mind wide open by darylchew
28 May 2007, 7:25 AM
the first line is completely unnecessary. the rest needs tightening of language.
on The boomerang holiday by INTRANSIT
28 May 2007, 7:53 AM
as if were?
erstwhile kelp?
some of these choices of phrase need rethinking.
erstwhile kelp?
some of these choices of phrase need rethinking.
on garden spite by skaskowski
28 May 2007, 7:43 AM
for awhile i thought this was about new jersey - the garden state... but yes, the first two lines seem unnecessary.
on Altitude by half.italian
28 May 2007, 7:49 AM
the last stanza should be split into two lines. i like the ending, but for it to have the impact i think you want, you have to introduce the coil image earlier. 'intricate architecture' could be improved upon to tie the beginning and end together.
on The Ascent by somemorepoetry
26 May 2007, 12:50 PM
don't ditch your language use, just add a few more specific details to complete the image.
on some deleted poem
26 May 2007, 12:53 PM
crap.
on some deleted poem
26 May 2007, 12:58 PM
eep!
on some deleted poem
28 Jun 2007, 1:03 AM
i kind-of like the internal rhyme and the blunt insight of the last two lines. the first line is grammatically a bit strange.
on some deleted poem
28 Jun 2007, 1:06 AM
first two lines are superb. last breath is a bit cliche. excellent overall effort.
on A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears
30 Jun 2007, 12:10 AM
this reads like a Gaelic folk song. Now for the music...
on light [edited] by lmp
30 Jun 2007, 12:15 AM
i'd like to see something juxtaposing the skin of the grapefruit with the skin of the lover. the conceit seems to want it.
on Consider the Grass by Dovina
30 Jun 2007, 12:24 AM
there's only so much excitement you can inject into a poem about grass growing, but i applaud the effort. adding the "I" in the last stanza seems not to fit very well.
on some deleted poem
18 Aug 2007, 10:30 PM
i love the last two lines. the first is okay but... thumping what? this might benefit from the "show, don't tell" paradigm.
I'm guessing this is a WWII poem, but that's just a guess. This feels like an incomplete story. As such, it's okay to force your readers to infer some things, but I would like some more sensory detail to give a better clue as to the identities of the participants.
on some deleted poem
18 Aug 2007, 10:47 PM
I want some liner notes to this. T.S. Eliot? Beuller?
on some deleted poem
7 Nov 2007, 4:58 PM
well-woven rhyme, both endrhyme and internal. line 8 is a little weak, i think you could easily tighten it up. i know what you were going for with the phrase "corporal punishment," but it still seems out of place. by the last stanza i think you've lost some momentum, but overall i like the images.