| regarding some deleted poem... |
13-May-07/9:26 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
13-May-07/9:28 AM |
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a poem that describes itself, except for the no purpose part...
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| Re: Yeah by Skamper |
20-May-07/11:40 AM |
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who owns God? interesting work, though your syllabic form is off. if the 5-7-5 were intact this would be senryu.
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| Re: Bookshop girls by Stephen Robins |
20-May-07/11:43 AM |
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the first half is funny. the second half is just gratuitous, doesn't really add anything.
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| Re: Portrait of the artist as [insert adjective] by Nicholas Jones |
20-May-07/11:46 AM |
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good idea but this could be a lot more concise.
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| Re: Snow by MacFrantic |
20-May-07/11:50 AM |
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the first two stanzas i like. the word loneliness stands out a bit as telling, not showing, in an otherwise pretty good third stanza. the last three lines really aren't necessary, and the poem would be much better were they omitted.
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| Re: Final Moon by Caducus |
20-May-07/11:51 AM |
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| Re: The Editor by Dovina |
20-May-07/11:58 AM |
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this is very prosey. I feel like the first four lines are not really necessary at all, and the last four don't connect very well with the imagery in-between. That said, the middle 8 lines are very nice.
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| Re: Worn Ruse by drnick |
20-May-07/12:01 PM |
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the middle stanza is completely unnecessary. remove it and this piece will be much stronger.
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| Re: The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina |
22-May-07/4:41 AM |
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pleasant. i like the starting tone, almost a storytelling type of voice. but as the image develops the tone gets much more formal. the two stanzas that start with 'rebuke arose' switch from present tense to past, as well as from concrete imagery to abstract. they interrupt the story's flow more than they add.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-May-07/4:46 AM |
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nice interplay of past, present, future. certain lines, like "the wide horizon of history" are a bit too melodramatic for the sort of feel i think you're going for, but overall a very agreeable piece.
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| Re: surgical spite by calliope |
26-May-07/11:50 AM |
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i'd be curious to hear the music to this.
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| Re: C. by skaskowski |
26-May-07/11:54 AM |
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i liked, "A spider-web like music staff/ crawled across your safety glass." I'm not sure how this all relates to a central theme, though it seems to be describing some aspect of an automobile accident. i don't like "a raving hypocrite" or "a rampart of regrets" - i understand why they're there, but i'd say those moments of reflection interrupt the flow you've developed in the rest of the poem.
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| Re: hopscotch rocks by FreeFormFixation |
26-May-07/11:57 AM |
breath of fresh air is cliche. so is live in the now.
other than those blips, this is an evocative series of images.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-May-07/11:59 AM |
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is the misspelling of whoopie and condalezza intentional? funny and fun to read.
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| Re: Fighting For Peace (is like) by Skamper |
26-May-07/12:01 PM |
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Fire starter/ Oil for barter - great line!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-May-07/12:02 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-May-07/12:07 PM |
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| Re: Glossary without an index by daniella |
26-May-07/12:16 PM |
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you have some beautiful imagery in this, but there are also some atrocious phrasing choices and grammatical errors that interrupt your flow. final stanza is superb. this could be SO much better with a little proofreading.
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| Re: Ode to Jack by Skamper |
26-May-07/12:48 PM |
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chained in their vanity? i don't think that phrase works where it is. otherwise clever and thought-provoking. I like the rhythm.
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