replying on Empty Chronicles by Scarlett
20 Apr 2006, 2:03 PM
oh, i also like "crayon peace of mind". colorful, if you will...
on Empty Chronicles by Scarlett
20 Apr 2006, 2:02 PM
interesting and nicely written.
i get the impression that the meaning is that you are expecting (spiritual? intellectual?) growth from having read the writings within the mulberry binder?
talk about food for thought!
all in all, very nice. please do write more...
i get the impression that the meaning is that you are expecting (spiritual? intellectual?) growth from having read the writings within the mulberry binder?
talk about food for thought!
all in all, very nice. please do write more...
on A Country Anecdote by Dovina
20 Apr 2006, 1:46 PM
poignant.
line 19 seems a tad too long, had to read it a few times and stick the "our feet" on the next line. i know it is an unnatural break in th line, but line 20 is a little short too, so i guess it helps. other than reworking both lines....
line 19 seems a tad too long, had to read it a few times and stick the "our feet" on the next line. i know it is an unnatural break in th line, but line 20 is a little short too, so i guess it helps. other than reworking both lines....
perhaps i will work on rewriting this line throughout; it will change verse 1 if i do since i followed the villanelle rhyme format...
the idea is that the grim task is a rather bland one as well, very much devoid of life, if you will. in that case, i guess it is successful, eh? :P
the idea is that the grim task is a rather bland one as well, very much devoid of life, if you will. in that case, i guess it is successful, eh? :P
Thanks, Ranger. i do hope you get a chance to re-read, as i have tried to work in a few double meanings here.
the line is supposed to be "he cares to say". i will work on painting the "wake and pray" line a bit; didn't sit perfectly with me either.
thanks.
the line is supposed to be "he cares to say". i will work on painting the "wake and pray" line a bit; didn't sit perfectly with me either.
thanks.
on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger
19 Apr 2006, 4:12 PM
this is so great....
question about line 8: "The flash of early column light"... would this be a little clearer as "The early flash of columnar light"? as in the column of light flashed too early, or it happens early, and beware the flash in general?
still amazing, and i know you want to refine it more to carry more meanings...
bravo, encore.
question about line 8: "The flash of early column light"... would this be a little clearer as "The early flash of columnar light"? as in the column of light flashed too early, or it happens early, and beware the flash in general?
still amazing, and i know you want to refine it more to carry more meanings...
bravo, encore.
replying on slice of moonlight by lmp
18 Apr 2006, 3:22 PM
actually, i looked at some of those rhyming dictionaries. but what i got back were words that would be so far flung from the feeling that they would seem very forced. stabile was bad enough. i will keep looking as i would like to polish this a bit.
thanks.
thanks.
wow. this reminds me of a sappy yet somehow tearjerkish poem i read once about the dog as the ever willing servant to the master, licking the hand that beats him, and so on.
but, the last line clinches it. the plot twist. leading us along a stray thread only to tie it all in at the end. very nice.
however, maybe your master *does* run fingers through your hair, but not literally (oh that's good, since we speak on the written word!).
very good.
but, the last line clinches it. the plot twist. leading us along a stray thread only to tie it all in at the end. very nice.
however, maybe your master *does* run fingers through your hair, but not literally (oh that's good, since we speak on the written word!).
very good.
replying on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp
18 Apr 2006, 2:25 PM
thank you. have been reading some of your latest. wow~!
on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger
18 Apr 2006, 2:21 PM
it works as complexedly as ever, to be sure. i did read this through once and had to cogitate on it a bit and come back again for a second read before commenting. in fact, after reading this i went to work on a villanelle myself, but i cannot publish until tomorrow evening. rrrgh!
at first i was suspecting the traditional phoenix myth, which you have captured, but throughout and especially in the last verse led me to believe i was witnessing a successful morning hunt. i am not sure what metaphor the arrow and the cedar bow play in either of the stories. the "swift dart from lava flow" works well for the space shuttle... perhaps the "arrow feathered, hewn from bone" may work to describe the misfortunate end of the astronauts (as well as rhyming a bit more precisely, but i am not picking on the "stone - bow" rhyme, either).
a very complex work, and wonderfully chosen words. the images are tangible, yet still morphing into the next line just as they are grasped.
also, i took the spelling of "fayre" to be archaic for "fire", or is it - as Dovina noted - for "fair"?
at first i was suspecting the traditional phoenix myth, which you have captured, but throughout and especially in the last verse led me to believe i was witnessing a successful morning hunt. i am not sure what metaphor the arrow and the cedar bow play in either of the stories. the "swift dart from lava flow" works well for the space shuttle... perhaps the "arrow feathered, hewn from bone" may work to describe the misfortunate end of the astronauts (as well as rhyming a bit more precisely, but i am not picking on the "stone - bow" rhyme, either).
a very complex work, and wonderfully chosen words. the images are tangible, yet still morphing into the next line just as they are grasped.
also, i took the spelling of "fayre" to be archaic for "fire", or is it - as Dovina noted - for "fair"?
on A South London Lullaby by Caducus
18 Apr 2006, 7:59 AM
a torrid subject, to be sure! i feel awful after reading about it; it is like bad news in the papers.
i like how the second verse nicely foretells of daddy's exploits in the third verse. and then it leads me to think that maybe she is fulfilling her own destiny?
if the second verse is what Mummy sings, i think quotes may help.
also, i don't think the last two lines are required. perhaps try changing "Princess" to another word that would convey his infidelity by definition [hint: ends with "-ess"]. the fact that he is buying the flowers means he will do this again, hence the last two lines become superfluous.
well written...
i like how the second verse nicely foretells of daddy's exploits in the third verse. and then it leads me to think that maybe she is fulfilling her own destiny?
if the second verse is what Mummy sings, i think quotes may help.
also, i don't think the last two lines are required. perhaps try changing "Princess" to another word that would convey his infidelity by definition [hint: ends with "-ess"]. the fact that he is buying the flowers means he will do this again, hence the last two lines become superfluous.
well written...
on Sunlighting by ALChemy
18 Apr 2006, 7:42 AM
i don't see my vote showing up on this one in my favorites anymore. did you edit? if so, i still love it!
on A Kiss Beneath The Blossom Tree by Caducus
18 Apr 2006, 7:34 AM
a wonderful tribute, beautifully crafted. i echo many comments of those before mine. this is bittersweet without being sappy, poignant in just the right doses.
very very very well done. a favorite, now.
very very very well done. a favorite, now.
replying on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina
18 Apr 2006, 7:18 AM
i think this fits in here:
"Donsen's Law:
The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything."
Always liked that one... :P
"Donsen's Law:
The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything."
Always liked that one... :P
replying on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp
18 Apr 2006, 6:23 AM
oh, and thanks for the comment on the shadow bit. i thought it worked well to convey the time of day... [see, for that one you *suggested* working with the time of day and did not give the actual phrase. a nudge, if you will, i prefer...]
replying on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp
18 Apr 2006, 6:21 AM
excellent suggestions, although i cannot [in good conscience] use "watercolor laugh" now that you outrightly suggested it. i will work on that idea of duality some more to tighten it up.
and FIE! those syllables. i *will* correct that blatant oversight.
and FIE! those syllables. i *will* correct that blatant oversight.