Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	18-Apr-06/6:17 AM
thaks. it actually was tougher than i anticipated. it is tricky to make some of the rhymes not seem forced. as it is, i had to play with line structure a bit in that sixth verse, line two. other than the obscure word choice that Ranger indicated, i think it works fairly well.
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	18-Apr-06/6:15 AM
oh, thank you. your comment is appreciated.
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	18-Apr-06/6:14 AM
yeah, that word i always pronounced "stay-beel", but "stay-bile" is also correct. i had a hard time finding a word rhyming with "while" that was not way out of contect with the rest of the verse. when i began this form, i thought it would be easier than it is. i guess i am not overly familiar writing tercet verses. and the rhyme scheme actually makes it a bit tricky, but i like it. it really does link the verses nicely.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	17-Apr-06/7:18 AM
ah yes. well sometimes i do wonder myself. so i guess the duality is real. don't believe that she does knows about knights yet, so that one *is* a stretch... thanks for the comments.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	14-Apr-06/11:02 AM
at the risk of spoiling your comment, i am curious about which duality you see.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	14-Apr-06/10:51 AM
yeah i did post a suggestion asking to space them a bit further apart. maybe a "are you sure?" pop-up whose yes-button will pop up a "are you really, really sure?" and so on is a better idea. thanks for the additional commentary on the poem.
Re: Maybe I Wasn’t Born on a Fool’s Day by Dovina	14-Apr-06/10:22 AM
self fulfilling prophecy or invented story as the subject of this work? i guess karma at any rate.
Re: 7 Days of Suicide by dragonfly	14-Apr-06/9:20 AM
i think to make this more powerful, you could go all the way through six days. leaving the seventh out would allude to success, maybe. especially with the title talking about 7 days, stopping after only three is selling the idea way short, less than halfway. besides, i want to see what other ideas you come up with... besides bjork's "hyperballad" (a favorite of mine, BTW), there is peter greenaway's film "Drowning by Numbers" which would be a great resource to consider if you want to continue this poem. besides, michael nyman;s music is fantastic to listen to when being creative, like writing and painting, etc. here's the imdb link to the film: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092929/ i really would like to see more work on this; i hope i do get the chance before i die. ;P
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	14-Apr-06/9:01 AM
reworked the second verse, though it seems a bit rough yet. awaiting your review.
Re: a comment on The world's shortest poem by ALChemy	14-Apr-06/8:45 AM
i like it.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	14-Apr-06/8:32 AM
i know. sets a melancholic mood, too. gazing at the moon while lying on a barrow. how wistful and romantic, eh? :D
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	14-Apr-06/8:30 AM
Dovina, i am sensing a theme her in your comments (with reference to yours on my latest): why does a poem need to reflect what actually does happen? can no fantasy or bending of truth to fit an image exist? i do not know you so i cannot say, but i find that it is limiting to work within those sorts of confines. maybe it offends your sensibilities, but this is art, and art is expression of a person's throughts, feelings, observations. if they choose to - or cannot - express themselves with ideas that are factually and scientifically true, does it invalidate their expression? i think not. i find the creative points of view to be enlightening and even more revealing to the true meaning of what is said. but that's me and you are you, so i'm just spouting off at the keyboard, i guess. just an observation...
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	14-Apr-06/8:22 AM
ok at the risk of being nitpicky: 1st line: maybe a comma after "Oh", as in "Oh, morning girl..." you may want to set off this line from the rest of the following 5 lines as it is a complete sentence of its own at the very opening. or not. 3rd line: i would choose "tumultous" instead or turbulent. i realize that you are perhaps making weather references and turbulence fits, but tumultuous i think has a better ring to it. and maybe they are not a single fight, but many: "...engagged in such tumultuous fights" 4th line: lose "by". a little smoother rhythm. and maybe "day AND night". 6th line. "fates" [plural] - to me - needs to be "the Fates". or, you could say "fate befalls." i think "squall" (singular) will still rhyme enough with "befalls". 7th line: comma before "Sunshine". 10th line: needs another syllable? "the pain" or "your pain" would do it. this is another very lovely and touching poem; i like its bittersweet quality. very nicely done. i also realize that my comments are not everyone's taste, so "take what ya want and leave the rest", as it is said in some circles.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	14-Apr-06/7:41 AM
let's try that last line again: this poem is an expression and not meant to be sold as truth. darned floating "e" cut its way in line from the "meant" to the "poem" in the post above.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	14-Apr-06/7:23 AM
Dovina - why does a poem need to be more than a simple flight of fancy? is it not a poem if it does not conform to the generally accepted "truth" of the day it was written? i hereby claim poetic license! :D i guess it is akin to seeing a colorfully marked animal, vegetable, or mineral and saying how beautifully "painted" it is. as if there are little gnomes running around with brushes and actually painting the world we live in. this peoem is an expression and not mant to be sold as truth. thanks for your comments; they are always welcome.
Re: a dream by lmp	14-Apr-06/7:08 AM
oops... looke like i clicked the little "X" instead of the "reply" ro Dovina's comment. here it is: Comments: Dovina 70.38.78.229 [7] 12-Apr-06/6:53 PM As good as any creation myth, except that it goes against knowledge. Myths generally do not contradict sound understanding at the time of their writing. That's why this on falls a bit flat. Still it's nicely written. Reply X ALChemy 24.74.100.11 [9] 12-Apr-06/10:34 PM It's a fable, not a myth. Reply X Dovina 70.38.78.229 [7] 12-Apr-06/10:38 PM Little difference. A fable is intended as untruth, where a myth is usually said to be true. Okay - fable. Picky, picky! Reply X ALChemy 24.74.100.11 [9] 12-Apr-06/11:29 PM It could have been a myth once. Yeah I know I'm picking on you but it's a freindly picking rest assured. :D
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	14-Apr-06/6:56 AM
why must a poem be more than just a flight of fancy? must it comply with the "sound understanding" of the time of it's writing in order for it to be valid? it is likened to looking at a colorful bird of butterfly and remarking on how it is "painted". i claim poetic license, damnit! :D thanks for the comment.
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	14-Apr-06/6:51 AM
this is in fact based upon one of a series of stories i invented for and tell my 2 1/2 year old daughter. and yes, it should be HER arm... knolls - to me - always instill a sense of "long ago" or a small hill that has been around for a very very long time. i don't think JFK's assassination should own the phrase for eternity, either. the word "mounds" always reminds me of dark chocolate over coconut, dirt, or baseball. ;P i do agree with the comment about "looked" vs. "seemed". at first, i like the ambiguity - "looked about.... to cry" or "looked as if to cry". your note about causing the thought pattern to stumble is a good one; i will take it into advisement. feel free to share this with your neice; in fact, i would be honored if you did. i hope she is doing better than your latest writing alluded to...
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	12-Apr-06/11:12 AM
pish, posh, a lot of noise on this one, wot? (had to put in a stuff line so my post won't be out of place...) as you know, ALChemy, i love the Sunshine poem. I do agree that this one needs a bit of tweaking, but what doesn't? i agree that the line about wine is a bit out of place. and that the moon reference is not barely there and i would not have known it but for your explanation. however, the sunshine does ride on the shoulders of the moon, else we would scarecely see the moon from our earthbound station. keep working on this one, please. as for the comments, take what you want and leave the rest, i say. if someone bashes your work, whatever. if they have something useful, great, otherwise ignore it.
Re: Piano by Dovina	6-Mar-06/2:37 PM
pretty interesting. i think the allegory could be pushed a bit more, with all the references to scales, much they way you "played" on the teeth (double entendre intended). overall, sounds like a traumatic experience....