Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	23-May-06/3:48 PM
interesting. i can see how this is quickly sketched together and that it is the result of a conversation. tough material to work with, but pretty clever and funny. i'm really torn between an -8- and -9-, but since you had the guts to post this, i will round up. ;)
Re: a comment on 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	23-May-06/3:45 PM
now THAT is a concept worth some thought and maybe some writing.... imagine, a heaven that is *not* a bunch of goody 2 shoes(es). saavy sould, souls with panache, politcial agendas, style, vanity, and flair. sounds a lot more interesting to me than the "peraly gates" version. maybe i'm describing purgatory?
Re: a comment on A Prayer For God's Soldiers As They Kill For Him by Edna Sweetlove	23-May-06/3:31 PM
i suppose you would know, eh? wot?
Re: a comment on Descartes' Immortal Truth by Edna Sweetlove	23-May-06/11:51 AM
well, to be truthful, when the dead shit, they are. they are dead.
Re: A Prayer For God's Soldiers As They Kill For Him by Edna Sweetlove	23-May-06/11:47 AM
your satire is about as sharp as the unwashed bum.
Re: a comment on Numbers add to nothing by Caducus	19-May-06/11:58 AM
also, in re-reading, i think making more of aconnection in the last verse: connect the priest to the bible, for certainly he would be holding one. his hands would not be limp, as he would most likely be standing and maybe even reading from it (another thought for numbers is to select an actual biblical passage the priest is reading, one that would include numbers). if the limp hands belong to a seated witness, then the bible could be laying on them, i suppose. as i read this last part, i felt it should lead off: one bible in two calm hands, one priest, reading Exodus 21:23-25 incidentally, I Wikipedia-ed the "eye for an eye" biblical passages: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_eye_for_an_eye which coughed up Exodus, Leviticus, and Dueterotomy. since my biblical knowledge is minimal, i scanned the related wikipedia liks and decided that Exodus seems the most appropriate since it introduces the code of Hammurabi. Deuterotomy could be a second choice as it also includes passages about Moses' reaffirmation of his covenant with god before his death. but that's my 15 cents...
Re: Numbers add to nothing by Caducus	19-May-06/11:22 AM
i like this; my vote now is not set in stone. i think this has more potential... some thoughts: the purist in me would arrange so each time a number is mentioned it is the beginning of a new line. i would count the "nothing" as a number... i am not sure what the intent is, but there is potential for it to have a more powerful impact. not sure exactly how... maybe with more of the "four tears, sixteen smiles" sort of imagery that tells us of the emotion. "four tears" could all be from one eye otr two, no? maybe "thirty-two dry eyes" instead of sixteen smiles; i cannot imagine that many people smiling at an execution, even if they do want to see the guy dead. i like the concept of the title, but it may be a little to literal. maybe drop out "numbers" or try "sum of nothing", "nothing totalled" , etc. AH! "empty tally", that's my choice.
Re: a comment on grim task by lmp	17-May-06/11:42 AM
if you dont like the content, fine. but to put a poem in so poor a place purely on personal punctuation preferences is pretty petty. (how's that for alliteration?) to be honest, i do like the British spelling of some words, but it is not intuitive to me. if they were to be changed, how would that affect your impression of the poem? addressing the use of "ev'ry": some may pronounce the word "every" as "ev-er-y", which would have thrown off the rhythm of the reading. to ensure that a two syllable pronunciation was used, thereby preserving the rhythm, i used "ev'ry". which, in actuality, is not archaic at all; to this day, do not ommitted letters in a word call for that punctuation called an apostrophe? whereas punctuation will also help with the phrasing and rhythm of the piece, capitalisation (British spelling for your pleasure) does not - in my opinion - have any bearing. i tend to write without the use of capitals because i prefer to, and this is not without precedent(e e cummings). however, punctuation i do not forgo as it also helps collect certain parts of the written content together. so if you read the poem and have some actual reasons why it is rated with a 2, i would be appreciative should you care to share your thoughts with the rest of us.
Re: Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	12-May-06/2:52 PM
huh... maybe it is fitting that the structure is set up like it is: fairly lucid, then almost frenetic and disjointed, until a rather slow "crash" to a more lucid state. ever listen to skinny puppy? go read some of their lyrics... there's a trip for ya: http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-addiction-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-last-call-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-spasmolytic-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-worlock-lyrics.html much of their stuff doesn't seem to make sense, and other stuff is all dubbed clips. and it all seems much better heard than it does read. anyway... hey, i caught your trademark leaf image... i also like the title bit: "temporally uncertain" . a play on "temporarily uncertain"? so i'm gonna vote a 7 for now; i know you mean to tighten this up. it will be very interesting to read as it develops.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	9-May-06/7:06 AM
methinks the Zeus appearance is fairly appropriate. we are talking about Roman times, after all, so maybe a Jupiter reference would be better: "he, a Jove of nature" or something... not sure if it makes your phonetic work or not... but isn't there another biblical reference to Jove? also of interest, i found this definition of tree: [Archaic.] A gallows. The cross on which Jesus was crucified. was that intended? if so, mega points!
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	3-May-06/3:08 PM
i will need to come back to re-read and cogitate further before voting. i do like this, and the images of a tree hewn down always is painful to me, even if it is hollow inside.
Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	28-Apr-06/3:28 PM
hmmm, well. this is another complex read. alas, being friday afternoon and i am on my way home for the weekend, i cannot sit tight enough to think nor read clearly. i will try to get back and comment on this. holding off the vote for now as well. musn't be hasty, now!
Re: a comment on slice of moonlight by lmp	28-Apr-06/3:24 PM
right. a single comma should do the trick, eh? glad you liked the edit.
Re: a comment on light [edited] by lmp	28-Apr-06/7:43 AM
well, it is complete in my mind because i was there. i remeber the morning still, and that was over 10, no 11, years ago. so maybe it is a little obscure. so, what?
Re: a comment on light [edited] by lmp	28-Apr-06/7:41 AM
glad someone here does...
Re: a comment on grim task by lmp	25-Apr-06/6:32 AM
thank you for your insightful comments. truly, i appreciate them. you are correct on the gravedigger, although i had not intended the preacher. i have intended a less corporeal character as well, albeit this portrayal makes the character rather sinister in a way. also, pay is not always cold, hard cash. another double meaning is in verse 4. i won't spoil; see if you can find the pun. i am not sure how you mean that every verse is geared toward "weak". unless you mean that the subject appears as a passive bystander, not a "mover & shaker", if you will. which is true, at least in the verses i have written. i appreciate your reading, and yes, you have done very well. thanks again.
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	24-Apr-06/8:39 AM
fair enough. done.
Re: a comment on Watercolor Fairy by Scarlett	20-Apr-06/2:20 PM
i also agree with Ranger's suggestions; jostle is better...
Re: Watercolor Fairy by Scarlett	20-Apr-06/2:11 PM
like this on a lot. then again, i have done a bit of watercolor and acryllic painting, so i guess i can feel the flow. nice use of color choices and fanciful imagery. you captured the little sprite at work quite nicely.
Re: a comment on Watercolor Fairy by Scarlett	20-Apr-06/2:09 PM
no offense, zodiac, but the rhytm worked better (for me anyway) with the "odd" word order as originally written. i like when i come across that in a work; the subtle difference is a nice word play. in this case, the enjambing (thanks for the terminology) disrupts the flow, and since she is writing about watercolor here...