Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	9-Jun-06/11:43 AM
and here i went thinking that it maybe was a reference to a viole fabric (copy-paste the whole link): http://images.google.com/images?;rls=en&q=voile%20fabric and maybe something similar to this one: http://www.bobbydene.com/w32.jpg was a part of a costume she (the dancer) may have been wearing. so there still is the "mystery of the frenchness"... or no?
Re: a comment on Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	9-Jun-06/9:50 AM
interesting response. for the record, i guess my "bottles" would be soda or seltzer, but more likely cups of coffee. (i don't partake of alcohol, if that was your implication.) as an aside, i think it not very civil of you to suggest that i would be come a drunken sot; you really know nothing of me and my life not to mention my spiritual fortitude in the face of adversity. the other interesting part of your response is that i do, in fact, the very thing you suggest. i do acknowledge folks "on the street". i do not offer words of cheer; those sentiments are usually the last thing a person on the skids wants to hear; it comes off callous on the cheermaker's part. instead, if i don't merely catch their eye and nod in acknowledgement, i listen to their plea (or more often their con line) and reply simply, "i cannot help you". The meaning behind my words is that the best person to help them is themselves, especially so the further down they have fallen. it is a credo i live by myself, and i have accepted very little help getting to where i am, and what help i have received has almost always been repaid as best as i am able. i do not believe in handouts. all that being said, the intent of my original comment was not as much to do with the subject or even the content, but more in the way in which you have presented it. if, as you have said in the response above, you are relating this tale so that readers will feel the needs of others, perhaps you could make more of a point addressing those who do not feel your subject's needs. perhaps write about those who do not take notice. it starts to remind me of the song by the Pet Shop Boys, "the Theatre". Not much in the way of peotry, but: http://www.lyricsdepot.com/pet-shop-boys/the-theatre.html in parting, i would like to point out another line in your comment above. "Not having material wealth is one thing, but having a feeling of lon[e]liness with no one to share your suffering is an agony in itself." Basically, you are sayiong that misery loves company. I always found that to be a selfish sentiment to harbor. if i am miserable why would i want anyone else to suffer the same? just so they can feel my pain? to what end? so they will help me? PAH!
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	2-Jun-06/3:40 PM
i have to agree with Cadacus on this one. as i read the last few stanzas, i felt little pity. after all, what *did* you leave behind? in fact, other than getting married and having family as a child, what did you do for other people at all? what ways did you make anyone's life better on this earth? the story seems to keep asking for handouts, at first for basic food shelter and clothing, then for employment, and then for unconditional friendship. the story is anything but inspiring. there is nothing that tells how you overcame adversity, how you persevered when times were tough, just that you did, somehow. also the part about just "getting a wife" seems a bit too glossed over. she just felt bad for you and married you and took you into her life? i appreciate what you are trying to do here, but it lacks substance, soul, and compassion of its own. it comes across as only a self-pitying plea.
Re: A Sleepless Night by EJHW	2-Jun-06/3:26 PM
nice sentiment. not sure the world is all at peace if the wind is rustling and you are sleepless... but it is a minor point. a couple of (mostly rhythmic) refinements: S2L4 needs -> need. S4L2 "somewhere yet undiscovered". as written, the "still not" stumbled the rhythm. S2L1 one too many syllables, mucks up the rhythm. lose "vast" maybe. S2L4 reverse not & yet. somehow, my mouth wants to pronounce the "y" after "peace" moreso than the "n". the strongest two stanzas are the last two. i do like the rhyme of "discovered" and "beloved" nice; a bit of tweaking will help.
Re: a comment on Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	2-Jun-06/3:05 PM
revised. good suggestion, irregardless of bad spirits.
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	2-Jun-06/2:58 PM
the it is the reference to "viole", then? i looked it up and it referenced Chaucer, with a definition of a "vial": n. A vial. [Obs.] --Chaucer. This puzzled me before, so I guess that is the last bit. perhaps you had been drinking as you played, the vial empty, and therefore the music was great in your buzzed state? at the end of Friday of a harrowing week, I am afraid my brain is now mush... besides, i don't even pretend to speak/read/understand French. did i get the part about the blazing lune correct in my first post?
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	2-Jun-06/9:25 AM
the last hidden part, it must be in S5, right? maybe you were playing at the eve of a stormy night? i cannot find anything else in there.... otherwise, it must be the girl remembered, smiling in spain in June... glad i got it somewhat right. this is a great work.
Re: Numbers add to nothing by Caducus	2-Jun-06/9:19 AM
still bothered by the sixteen smiles. perhaps sixteens sighs of relief, or sixteen easier souls, or something. the half closed eyes that you suiggested would convey either boredom or sleepiness... the title still does not work for me; i feel as Dovina mentioned. still, the rewrite helped a bit. <8>
Re: a comment on Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	2-Jun-06/8:37 AM
thanks, Cadacus. could you elucidate further? i would like to polish this because it feels a little rough to me, but i cannot put my finger on exactly what it is...
Re: Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	1-Jun-06/3:39 PM
oops.... saw a mistake in the last line: i left out the word "little". i guess i will edit and lose the vote. feel free to re-vote, Ranger! heh
Re: a comment on Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	1-Jun-06/3:38 PM
as you may or may not know, this is a song, and i guess it kinda bluesy, but it really is faster paced. on an album entitled "Murder Ballads". yeah, that "flow" line was tough, because the following line starts with "Like" and ends with "yellow". as you said, tough to rhyme with yellow, but i found the real challeng was to make something out of th phrase from the original quatrain. i guess the way i saw it was that you could replace "Like" with "As if" to get a sarcastic meaning and the two lines sort of work together. so: just take it all in stride as if you aren't pretty and getting all sorts of unwanted attention. i will have to check out "Sniper". thanks for the comment, glad you liked.
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	1-Jun-06/3:29 PM
"for you voted for my second term." did we now? he lost the popular vote, i thought. so really, the electoral college got him his second term. like the satire. and the repeated line in () reminds me of a song on a german tecno album: http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/music/pid/1389536/a/Das+Boot.htm if you can get hold of it, the song is track 6 "I Wanna Be A Kennedy". take a listen... love anything that takes a shot at Dubya. just work a bit on the rhythm; it reads a little choppy to me.
Re: Whispers to Isabelle by Caducus	1-Jun-06/3:21 PM
please pardon me, but isn't the ottoman an exceptional place for lovemaking? mm! seriously, this is one of those owrks that really hits home with its simplicity, or rather its spartan nature. by using a few choice workds, you convey the sorrow wonderfully. it is interesting that you remember her both happy at you and unhappy with you - and then in ecstasy with you (make up sex?) - in that order. my only suggestion for this is to use a different verb for the last line in S3; you already used "screaming" for the angry image, so maybe a different one for the ecstatic one... otherwise, top notch... and my condolences.
Re: a comment on Herencia Latina by Ranger	1-Jun-06/3:05 PM
aha! looked up "parole" to see any other meanings, and LO! : "[Linguistics]. The act of speaking; a particular utterance or word." so her stomach rises as she takes a breath to sing, and that makes sense. now looking back, were you playing the guitar for her maybe? that would be her heritage (latin music) beneath your fingertips, as they cajole soft murmurings from the instrument. yes that must be it.... your sliding touch on the "slender (guitar) neck so toned", the white scars are the fretmarks, the body of the guitar trembling on your hips (seated player, typical for flamenco). so you accompanied her song on guitar on the last day of a vacation.... and you didnt want it to end. who would? also, perhaps a Hemingway allusion with the setting sun in Spain? "The Sun Also Rises"? i know, i know, i am reaching with that one....
Re: Herencia Latina by Ranger	1-Jun-06/2:54 PM
i think maybe this is about a girl you met once that may have been a bit too much your junior (hence the parole whispering). the red light i took to be the setting sun, and the lune (a cresent shape) is made from the curve of the horizon against the arc of the sun. what you cannot control is the passing of the day (marked by the setting sun) and maybe you had to say goodbye at that point... i am guessing that her heritage upon your fingertips may represent some heavy petting going on... or maybe you two were just dancing a sultry flamenco (or other latin dance): "strong lines beneath my sliding touch" we also know that there is some singing going on (latin again), not only by S6L1, but also from the reference to silence broken by staves and the curving cries - ululations - that i would relate specifically to flamenco. now, this is lovely. very colorful, and a hint of bittersweet current beneath the memory of a remarkable experience. the mystery to me is the mention of "white scars hewn"...
Re: as you are by Adriaan	31-May-06/11:57 AM
this is a lot deeper than it appears at first; it is not merely about a mirror image. the depth of a person is what he portrays succintly here, that there is more to love than the beauty by itself. clever and poignant.
Re: Drinking Knowledge by gregsamsa222	31-May-06/10:28 AM
i suppose you intend to quench the thirst for knowledge, eh? cleverly done, and i noticed progession of the various beverages throughout the day. but there are so many areas of study, where next and what beverage/food will be appropriate? perhaps dietary sciences could have a shot of wheatgrass, and so on... the options are limitless. so much so, you could make several sequels...
Re: Writers' Block by wilco	26-May-06/3:39 PM
perhaps using the word "write" instead would be more appropriate. clever, nonetheless.
Re: Censor by nentwined	26-May-06/3:38 PM
cute. sorry, i know that may sound like a comment best left unsaid, but i do like it. i think you could do more with it, maybe editing a poem you have already written so there are no adjectives? and still convey the message...
Re: A Fart For All Mankind by Edna Sweetlove	26-May-06/3:33 PM
trite, but one of you better works. you may find an audience with 8 year old boys or perhaps employment as a writer for the next Austin Powers movie.