Re: hate by ts	28-Dec-05/11:55 AM
Was this a parody of poetry? Because if it isn't, you are not serious about your craft. I have but one suggestion, toss it and try again.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Dec-05/11:58 AM
HHHHHHHmmmmmmm - all my comments are offered as sincere and to be of help. Hypothermia doesn't occur due to rain of a normal nature. There is a good base here- maybe, He died by morning left lifeless It rained in the night just suggestions - but there is a kernal here I really like.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Dec-05/12:01 PM
First thing I thought of was Audrey 2 in "Little Shop of Horrors"... I was disconcerted by how a green gleaming occasioned a blue flash - but I saw talent buried in there somewhere.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Dec-05/12:03 PM
Very clever - yet I felt it needed more words to build a foundation.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Dec-05/12:05 PM
Note: artifact not artefact I see something here that could be pounded and molded into a quite good poem - but it seems scattered. Maybe a rewrite would give you further ideas.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Dec-05/12:12 PM
This has real promise - drop the capital letters, we will still know who a boss is... obsequious doesn't seem to fit there - maybe, hard-sell vendors vendor - not vender Actually if you could end line a bit more smoothly that would really help. Sure is worth a working over!
Re: hah by xanthippe	28-Dec-05/12:15 PM
I have no legs because I am a superb example of frog-ness, and my legs really are my best feature. I wish I had something constructive to offer - but shock value poetry doesn't do it for me. No barbed comment back, please, I really care.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Dec-05/12:18 PM
I offer critiques in all sincerity, so, I think you could rework this a bit - 3rd line: shortening it or The trick is in darting between the teeth. . . as a suggestion. Tapping them on the tongue is great
Re: Regime Change by Nicholas Jones	28-Dec-05/12:23 PM
Your absolutes rock. This would be better as an essay, in my opinion. Needs a cleanup of punctuation and spelling, and you need a space between until and when. I think you have a good piece to trim and mold into a really nice essay.
Re: Follow The Rainbow by forestchild7	28-Dec-05/6:56 PM
Lots of love here. I think it would do well with some pruning and tightening up, endline repair, and pruning. It is jagged to read, needs a smoother flow to do justice to your thoughts.
Re: youre there... by PhSbLoNdE569	28-Dec-05/6:58 PM
Such angst. This really needs tightening and endline cohesion of some kind - as is it rambles all over the page. Take it from me, add punctuation, it gives edges and smoothes out the bumps.
Re: lip balm by FreeFormFixation	28-Dec-05/7:01 PM
Cute. Maybe a stretch for rhyme though, my friend. line 6 is out of synch... could omit 'trapped and'. Cheese wigs is not a familiar term to me, so am supposing it is a bug??
Re: Artificial Reality by PK	28-Dec-05/7:06 PM
There are a lot of good basics here, but it yaws in order to make certain statements. Line two of verse 2 should be 'has opened' - don't sacrifice good grammer to achieve an end.
Re: Grieving by d35	28-Dec-05/7:09 PM
Some deep emotions here. Line 7 should say 'ground' instead of grown. The odd spacing tears up your cohesiveness. When you have good stuff to say, it doesn't need a lot of odd punctuation . . . A rewrite would be my suggestion. I would love to read it if you do one.
Re: Virgin by MacFrantic	28-Dec-05/7:12 PM
Second verse, lines 2 and 3 don't make a clear statement, at least to me. Good basics here - needs spit and polish.
Re: order of events by skaskowski	28-Dec-05/7:14 PM
Just a first thought I had... numbering detracts from the power of your words. Need a capital S in first line. Repetitive she lends it a rhythm.
Re: Death's Cold Eyes by forestchild7	28-Dec-05/7:19 PM
In my opinion, using thine and thys is risky. Those are usually used in reference to a deity. None of the tone of the rest of your work uses formal English to match. Hateness is not a word. There is an incongruity with soldiers out of breath...smacks of reaching for a rhyme. Next to last line -thine is not proper - thy is correct. Last line, there is no need for an apostrophe with see's... the apostrophe makes a possessive. Same on fourth line from bottom - no apostrophe.
Re: Old Friends by sliver	28-Dec-05/7:22 PM
I know poetry used to have all first line capitals, but I feel it lends to the flow if second lines are in small case.
Re: Old Friends by sliver	28-Dec-05/7:26 PM
Intranet, may I point out that I got scolded for having made no useful criticism - ie, great work, etal. This poem has no constructive criticism at all. No big deal, but I thought about what you said and have been critiquing to help because I thought praise was not acceptable comment. Peace!
Re: Night Work by forestchild7	29-Dec-05/1:08 PM
I do see one thing that might help you - don't use and anymore than you have to. As in line 12, the first and could easily be eliminated - another thing you can do is use commas instead of and, you will convey your meaning and it's much smoother. I really do like this very much.