on some deleted poem
28 Dec 2005, 12:03 PM
Very clever - yet I felt it needed more words to
build a foundation.
build a foundation.
on some deleted poem
28 Dec 2005, 12:05 PM
Note: artifact not artefact
I see something here that could be pounded
and molded into a quite good poem - but it
seems scattered. Maybe a rewrite would
give you further ideas.
I see something here that could be pounded
and molded into a quite good poem - but it
seems scattered. Maybe a rewrite would
give you further ideas.
on Night Work by forestchild7
29 Dec 2005, 1:08 PM
I do see one thing that might help you - don't
use and anymore than you have to. As in line 12, the first and could easily be eliminated - another thing you can do is use commas instead of and, you will convey your meaning and it's much smoother. I really do like this very much.
use and anymore than you have to. As in line 12, the first and could easily be eliminated - another thing you can do is use commas instead of and, you will convey your meaning and it's much smoother. I really do like this very much.
on some deleted poem
28 Dec 2005, 12:18 PM
I offer critiques in all sincerity, so, I think you
could rework this a bit - 3rd line: shortening it or
The trick is in darting
between the teeth. . . as a suggestion.
Tapping them on the tongue is great
could rework this a bit - 3rd line: shortening it or
The trick is in darting
between the teeth. . . as a suggestion.
Tapping them on the tongue is great
on Artificial Reality by PK
28 Dec 2005, 7:06 PM
There are a lot of good basics here, but it yaws
in order to make certain statements.
Line two of verse 2 should be 'has opened' - don't sacrifice good grammer to achieve an end.
in order to make certain statements.
Line two of verse 2 should be 'has opened' - don't sacrifice good grammer to achieve an end.
Some deep emotions here. Line 7 should say 'ground' instead of grown. The odd spacing tears up your cohesiveness. When you have good stuff to say, it
doesn't need a lot of odd punctuation . . .
A rewrite would be my suggestion. I would love to
read it if you do one.
doesn't need a lot of odd punctuation . . .
A rewrite would be my suggestion. I would love to
read it if you do one.
on order of events by skaskowski
28 Dec 2005, 7:14 PM
Just a first thought I had... numbering detracts from
the power of your words. Need a capital S in first line. Repetitive she lends it a rhythm.
the power of your words. Need a capital S in first line. Repetitive she lends it a rhythm.
on Death's Cold Eyes by forestchild7
28 Dec 2005, 7:19 PM
In my opinion, using thine and thys is risky. Those are usually used in reference to a deity. None of the tone of the rest of your work uses formal English to match. Hateness is not a word. There is an incongruity with soldiers out of breath...smacks of reaching for a rhyme. Next to last line -thine is not proper - thy is
correct. Last line, there is no need for an apostrophe with see's... the apostrophe makes a
possessive. Same on fourth line from bottom - no apostrophe.
correct. Last line, there is no need for an apostrophe with see's... the apostrophe makes a
possessive. Same on fourth line from bottom - no apostrophe.
on Old Friends by sliver
28 Dec 2005, 7:22 PM
I know poetry used to have all first line capitals, but
I feel it lends to the flow if second lines are in
small case.
I feel it lends to the flow if second lines are in
small case.
on Old Friends by sliver
28 Dec 2005, 7:26 PM
Intranet, may I point out that I got scolded for having made no useful criticism - ie, great work, etal.
This poem has no constructive criticism at all.
No big deal, but I thought about what you said and
have been critiquing to help because I thought praise
was not acceptable comment. Peace!
This poem has no constructive criticism at all.
No big deal, but I thought about what you said and
have been critiquing to help because I thought praise
was not acceptable comment. Peace!
on some deleted poem
28 Dec 2005, 11:58 AM
HHHHHHHmmmmmmm - all my comments are offered as sincere
and to be of help.
Hypothermia doesn't occur due to rain of a normal nature.
There is a good base here- maybe,
He died by morning
left lifeless
It rained in the night
just suggestions - but there is a kernal here I really like.
and to be of help.
Hypothermia doesn't occur due to rain of a normal nature.
There is a good base here- maybe,
He died by morning
left lifeless
It rained in the night
just suggestions - but there is a kernal here I really like.
on Virgin by MacFrantic
28 Dec 2005, 7:12 PM
Second verse, lines 2 and 3 don't make a clear
statement, at least to me. Good basics here - needs spit and polish.
statement, at least to me. Good basics here - needs spit and polish.
on some deleted poem
28 Dec 2005, 12:12 PM
This has real promise - drop the capital letters, we will still know who a boss is...
obsequious doesn't seem to fit there -
maybe, hard-sell vendors
vendor - not vender
Actually if you could end line a bit more
smoothly that would really help. Sure is worth
a working over!
obsequious doesn't seem to fit there -
maybe, hard-sell vendors
vendor - not vender
Actually if you could end line a bit more
smoothly that would really help. Sure is worth
a working over!
on Regime Change by Nicholas Jones
28 Dec 2005, 12:23 PM
Your absolutes rock. This would be better as an essay, in my opinion. Needs a cleanup of punctuation and spelling, and you need a space between until and when.
I think you have a good piece to trim and mold into
a really nice essay.
I think you have a good piece to trim and mold into
a really nice essay.
on Follow The Rainbow by forestchild7
28 Dec 2005, 6:56 PM
Lots of love here. I think it would do well with
some pruning and tightening up, endline repair,
and pruning. It is jagged to read, needs a smoother flow to do justice to your thoughts.
some pruning and tightening up, endline repair,
and pruning. It is jagged to read, needs a smoother flow to do justice to your thoughts.
on youre there... by PhSbLoNdE569
28 Dec 2005, 6:58 PM
Such angst. This really needs tightening and endline
cohesion of some kind - as is it rambles all over the page. Take it from me, add punctuation, it gives
edges and smoothes out the bumps.
cohesion of some kind - as is it rambles all over the page. Take it from me, add punctuation, it gives
edges and smoothes out the bumps.
on lip balm by FreeFormFixation
28 Dec 2005, 7:01 PM
Cute. Maybe a stretch for rhyme though, my friend.
line 6 is out of synch... could omit 'trapped and'.
Cheese wigs is not a familiar term to me, so am supposing it is a bug??
line 6 is out of synch... could omit 'trapped and'.
Cheese wigs is not a familiar term to me, so am supposing it is a bug??
I was disconcerted by how a green gleaming occasioned a blue flash -
but I saw talent buried in there somewhere.