Re: A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	24-Jan-06/1:44 AM
This is more like a struggling mood. I've been struggling to understand a schiz - and its portrayed in how I wrote it. :-)
Re: a comment on A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	24-Jan-06/1:42 AM
Alchemy, I think I know what your getting at - more about showing or expressing the schizo mood in scizo terms. But then, correct me if I am wrong, its not necessary that one should be able to write something happy when one is always negative or moody, or a happy person could do vice versa. A lot comes from what's within you, and I find it difficult to express otherwise. I'm terrible at faking... have been caught redhanded many times....ha ha ha.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	24-Jan-06/1:33 AM
And to you drnick, I'm tempted to say that there's no such thing as live peacefully without religion. These days, man does not rely on God but on his (man's)own capabilities and "brains", all in the name of religion. Put God into the scene and give Him total control and then we'll know the difference. "Take your breath, you return to clay And your plans today come to nothing." Think about this.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	24-Jan-06/1:30 AM
Alchemy,something quite different but good. I've been reading the comments and must agree that its a bit preachy. But thats how it goes on and off....so no second thoughts to that. I did get the last four lines and thats what gave the punch to the poem when I first read it. I reread the last half to my husband- the part from 'Now children you have grown.....' as that's what gave me the comparisons. I might as well give you a ten... you've given me something to think about.
Re: Topper Fey by ALChemy	24-Jan-06/12:57 AM
Al, isn't it supposed to spell Fay rather than Fey? Or is this unconnected to Oh Merry Fay. This piece is pretty good, though i should agree with cyan9 that towards the end it does stand out a bit. Also, punctuating the end of each verse might be needed.
Re: a comment on A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	24-Jan-06/12:38 AM
Dovina thanks a ton for the positive response. I admit there are a lot of spelling mistakes. I noticed them only today when I wanted to show this piece to my husband. Mistakes regretted. As for "Mood, not his best, he lives his life a real test" - well, as I pictured it.... if anyone was to give him a little more attention and love, probably his mood could be better than when he's shunned away from human company. He lives his life a real test - indicates that he doesn't understand his life, why its not 'normal' like everybody else, why others don't want to have anything to do with him or why does he have such things as hallucinations and abnormal behaviors. Also, does he have anything to look forward to in living his life. Nobody believes in his dreams. I hope this satisfies your question regarding that sentence.
Re: a comment on A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	24-Jan-06/12:27 AM
Alchemy, thanks for your review. As for writing it in a schizo way, I have had no personal experience with a schiz. I have merely been trying to understand them, in general, and this is what I understood. Its difficult knowing one when you don't know one, and this is how I am right now. Still, I gave it a try and am happy I did. Your ref. will definitely be to my advantage.
Re: a comment on Jailbird by zodiac	22-Jan-06/9:56 PM
Chat?
Re: My Reason by PoeticXTC	22-Jan-06/9:44 PM
A bit of an odd piece. Seems like love has been a disappointment, and that you are either angry at yourself or with him. Maybe it could have been more clearer.
Re: Jailbird by zodiac	22-Jan-06/8:52 PM
Tell me, was she( or is it he) really Inside. or was it that she was away and you waited anxiously to reunite, causing you to go off track, like, doing something different.....redecorating, smoking, etc. I might be going totally off-track myself, but I'm trying to reason it out metaphorically. The piece is good, though.
Re: Temporary moments by Prince of Void	22-Jan-06/8:42 PM
A beautiful piece, although I think the last few lines could be rephrased a bit.
Re: Three Skinheads by Caducus	22-Jan-06/8:34 PM
I think I get the idea of what you're trying to present, but its too elaborately written. Putting it in as few words as possible could also be effective. The theme behind it is good.
Re: May I Help by Dovina	22-Jan-06/8:15 PM
Good work. Seems to be better than the last couple of piece you've posted here.
Re: A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta	22-Jan-06/8:07 PM
Dovina, correct me if i'm wrong. I stated that I've posted it unedited since having written it last year. This was so that you could read the original piece that was written. This was what I wrote spontaneously for her and had done nothing about it since then. But, all the same, I've said that critique's views are welcome. I agree, I wrote it in a time of deep sorrow, but then, that doesn't mean you can't tell me what portions need editing or what you feel about the poem. When I wrote this and the many other pieces of mine, I had no one to actually guide me, and there was no feed back. I rely on you guys to give me a frank opinion. So be free (and unsympathetic) to air your opinion, especially when asked for. I would really appreciate this.
Re: Reckoning by <~>	16-Jan-06/9:54 AM
Good work! Keep it up.
Re: A SURREAL DEPREDATION! by anushree	16-Jan-06/9:42 AM
Sorry, but I am unable to connect with this poem. Phrases are good, but somehow it doesn't balance on the whole.
Re: THE NIGHT STAGE by anushree	16-Jan-06/9:36 AM
Not quite specific and structured as your previous piece. Somehow the punch is missing.
Re: A LOVER’S TORMENT by anushree	16-Jan-06/9:32 AM
Very beautifully worded. may be a bit forced, but on the whole you could justify your choice of words. Your presentation of the theme is what stands out. Good work.
Re: a comment on A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta	16-Jan-06/9:26 AM
Alchemy, thanks a ton. Somehow, each time I think about her I feel I could go on writing and writing about her. She is the inspiration behind my dream as a poet, and probably someday she would probably smile her full smile when she sees my book published.
Re: A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta	16-Jan-06/1:33 AM
This is a poem I wrote last year (21st Jan), while on the train, on my way to my Grandma's funeral. Her name is Pearl Heldt, and she was such a wonderful person to me and my family, and it was with deep sorrow and gratitude that I wrote this. You might find a lot of portions need editing, but I have kept it this way, unedited, due to the fact that I wrote it spontaneously, within 15 - 20 min. for her. All the same, critiques view is welcome. We will be celebrating her 1st death anniversary on the 20th Jan. May her soul rest in peace.